PM Thread #2

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Davidswife,

I am so sorry to hear about your D proceedings. I will check on your thread to see the latest news and why you made this decision at this time. Not for me to judge but I am just wondering why now.

I would highly, highly recommend DB coaching if you want to save your marriage. But I'm confused, if you want to save your M, why did you proceed with D?

[hope3343]

Hi PM,
Are you putting your Plan A together yet? Check out Trying2Live stich, she put on a brilliant Plan A and has now gone to Plan B and has been into it for at least a few weeks. It is tough with the Plan B but she is sticking to it. She might be able to give you some good tips.

Take care and keep in touch

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi hope3343. I will check out Trying2Live. thanks for pointing me in the right direction!

[hope3343]

PM you can also find out about Plan A/Plan B on another website marriagebuilders. It is really from Surviving an Affair book.
Your words encouraged me the other day and I am really trying to be consistent, confident, and peaceful. It is a struggle but I know every time I blow up it makes things 100% worse. Thanks

Has your H asked for a D? I think mine might after the new year which he mentioned when all of this started. Guess he thinks he is being a "nice guy" to wait till after the holidays. take care and God bless.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM - how are you??? you are giving and giving to all of us... fill me in on how you feel today??

You hit it on the nail for my H.. yesterday he wanted to go to lunch with us (whole family after D4s doctors check up) and he was in a good mood, I was in a great place too so it was a nice lunch .... I text him - thanks for meeting us and lunch that was sweet of you" and he texted backed "Your welcome and thank you ladies... I had a great time"

Today - I had sent an email on schedules for next month and he seemed short and on edge... I asked him that I'm just trying to figure our schedules out for watching the kids.. "we had a conflict this Sat night he had plans and I have plans" so he seems short... I was about to feed off him but I kept it closed mouthed.. said lets talk after girls are in bed (i'm traveling he is with girls at our house)

anyhow.. glad I read some of my post b/c when we talk later I can be calm and not feed into his mood.

So enough about me.... fill me in on you? how are you honestly!!!

[sandi2]

Sandi,

I have been following your post for the last few months. You are one of those wonderful, wise people on this BB who, not only speaks the truth, but genuinely care about all of us WAS on this board. As a silent observer of your wisdom, I have admired your guts and attitude and even your 2x4's.

I am so sorry to hear about your Fibro and only want to just say one thing. I hope it will be useful. During my last session with my DB coach, she helped me extract my first emotions from my secondary emotions. When something terrible happens, she asked me, what was my first reaction/emotion. When you found out you couldn't decorate your home, church, how did you feel? Was it disappointment in yourself? Frustration at your illness? She said to acknowledge that emotion. She said, once you validate your FIRST emotion then there will be no need to go to a secondary emotion (e.g. anger at your spouse for not helping you out {just an example here, I know he has been patient}, or feeling sorry for yourself, or thinking that the holiday is all ruined because the decorations aren't up) and generally getting MORE and MORE upset.

You have plenty to deal with without getting upset with yourself. Spending your time worrying about your boss getting upset at you, will get you even more down and upset. That's TWICE the burden of what you already have to deal with.

Sandi, half your burden now. Try to minimize your frustrations by acknowledging your first emotions. Good luck.

Hi, you posted this to me over on AmyM's thread and then it seemed all heck broke lose there for her, so I thought I would just look you up on your thread. First, may I say that your timing is something b/c I had just left a thread where I bombed out rather poorly. So, what you said was medicine for this old soul and very sweet of you. I don't see myself as wise or certainly not "sweet" (lol), but I do care for the people here on this board. That part I will say is true b/c if I see that it is a person that I need to just stay away from....I just won't post anything and slide right back out the way I came in (lol). But, all in all, there have been maybe three people in all the time I've been here that we just didn't click or they did not like me or understand me (I'm sure it had nothing to do with any 2X4's I may have used) Anyway, I do appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness very much.

I especially appreciate it when people show true concern for my Fibromyalgia and I know it is more than them just trying to be nice (which is okay, too, but you know what I mean). I have not heard anyone explain what the DB coach said to you. I found that interesting and I am going to be much more aware of this from now on. For so long, it seems that all my emotions ran together until it is hard to know which came first, second or third. I told my boss (not the big boss I was worried about, but the other one that is sweet...lol) that as of last month, I gave up my last job/position in my church. It is the first time in over 50 years that I have not had a job or position in the church and I don't know what to think or how to feel. I have always had serveral jobs all the time b/c that was my love and my life. I loved doing what I did. But, one by one, I had to step down, give another one up.....until I finally realized when I was trying to get ready for our special occassion last month that I could no longer do it. It isn't fair to the church and it puts pressure on me....or rather, I put stress on myself about it. The frustration and anger is probably the strongest emotions. Depression is so heavy that it is hard to tell where that falls, but I feel such a sad loss of everything. I missed my grandbaby's birthday last Saturday. I have missed every holiday and birthday that has come around. I told my boss today that I have never believed in putting anything before God and the church, but I have had to do that with my job b/c I have to keep the insurance. I haven't done that in my heart....but I have to put my job first as far as any activity that gets done. So, I appreciate your concern and for telling me about that information. It helps so much to just be able to talk about this to people. I don't know why so many people do not recognize it as a disease when it robs you of everything....eventually. Makes dealing with it that much harder. So, thanks for listening. Maybe I can do something to help you some day.

Take care,
Sandi

[steve477]

Sandi,

I am here, I never left. I think about you and The others a lot. What you helped me to get back in my life I will never be able to repay you for. You are in my prayers now as you go through these struggles.

A small update on me then. Me and my new family are all well. Baby is 13lbs now, will be 3 months at the end of the week. ME and W are better than we ever were. She still quietly apologises to me every now and again.

I am still a bit run off my feet. So I cant write long replies yet. But please know that I am always here for you. If there was any way to show you my babys photos then I would as I know she would cheers you up! I have a small thread somewhere if you want to get back to me, I am sorry for hijacking this thread!

Thank you

Steve

[PositivelyMommy]

Dear Sandi2,

I read and reread your post. I am hearing that out of all the emotions that you are feeling, and correct me if I am wrong, your first emotion is a profound sadness for the loss of the life that you have enjoyed up till now. All the anger, frustration and depression, I think, stems from this profound sadness. I am no counsellor by any means. But I just want to validate your emotions here and perhaps alleviate your pain a little.

I imagine, because I don't know for sure, that when you become ill and have to face a great loss of your own lifestyle and activities which gave you your identity, you feel that you have lost part of yourself. That part which made you special and different from other people. The part which is the Essential YOU. I am so sorry if you feel this way. I don't know how to console you but just believe that you are you no matter what. That nothing and no one can take your parts away from you. That just because you cannot decorate the church or attend your loved one's special day, I know it's hard. I hope you can take it one step at a time. No one will fault you for keeping your job so that you can keep the insurance. You shouldn't blame yourself for that either. Just because you're not helping your church now after 50 years service DOES NOT mean that God is not in your heart or that you are selfish in any way. Please don't think that way. We all have times of need. You have a need right now. I hope your church and your job can be there to support you through all of this.

[PositivelyMommy]

I am feeling pretty good today. I have finished a job project so feeling proud of myself for the hard work I put in. So today I did some retail therapy. Bought some new things that look stunning and feeling very foxy recently. No one else to appreciate the foxiness but that's OK. I can just be foxy for me :-)

Still getting loads of exercise. Love those endorphins! They lift my mood right away.

Minimal contact with H, which is kinda good because then I don't think of my problems.

Lots of friends about so I get some human contact. Lots of social things planned for the holidays so am looking forward to that.

MIL is coming in and staying with me and kiddies, not H. We are close so I am looking forward to that. I think H might be sweating it as he has to work out time to see his Mom on top of the kiddies and the OW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

I am feeling pretty good, giving lots of unsolicited advice to people all over the BB. I figure, when I feel happy and up, I should share it. Then when I feel down, maybe someone who is happy can help lift me up a little.

I do feel like a different person. I look back on my M now and wonder why I didn't know I was miserable. How did I miss the fact that H was dragging me down? His perfectionism was making me frantic trying to adjust everything so that things were 'just so'. Well, scr*w that! Now I have many bags on the floor, messy desk etc. etc. He doesn't live here anymore so I don't need to worry about what he thinks. I am trying to be much more relaxed and feel much more relaxed mentally. Not worrying too much about how things 'should' be done. I think I am more fun to be around and am more lighthearted.

I think my baseline happiness is coming back. As long as there are no nasty surprises, I can live quite contentedly, I think. It's those surprises that we all have to watch out for. They sneak up on you when you least expect and then all hel* breaks lose.

Relax, relax.

Going to try my hand at yoga next week. I can't wait, never done it before and feeling excited. Trying something new always makes me happy!

[AlexEN]

PM (Actually, those are my initials in real life!),

Don't know why, but I never got to reading your entire sitch until now. It's very interesting to me, but as I read it, I found myself (the H!) asking myself alot of the same questions you've asked yourself and having some of the very same thoughts. It's amazing how consistent the "script" is despite the peculiarities of each individuals' situation. If you're really bored (or cannot sleep), you can read my original (VERY LENGTHY post) at:

Alex's Original Post

I didn't see anything you posted about what you have or have not told your kids. Is that in a prior thread? I asked the ring question that was bandied about here, too, and got some interesting (and thought-provoking) feedback at:

Whether, what & when to tell the kids

In any event, I'm happy to hear you are feeling pretty good today. I don't feel bad myself, but I'm feeling a little burned out. Maybe it's because I got up at 5:30 (very early for me) to workout...

Would welcome some of your unsolicited advice, too!

Sounds like you are doing very well. Keep it up!

-AlexEN