My other thread didn't lock up, but today H and I start MC "for real" today. I think we are at a real pivotal point. H seems to having at least somewhat of an "awakening", but I need to keep strong, but open. Patience and NO EXPECTATIONS! I'm soooo scared! But, I think I am slowly coming to really believe that I will be OK no matter what. I sincerely want my marriage, but not at the cost of my soul. Today, I plan to not lead the conversation, as I usually do, but to listen and learn.
Sending you positives.....i hope your session goes well...be thankful that he is going....mine told me he doesn't want to go anywhere with me....He doesn't know how good he actually had it...some day he will and i willhave moved on....
Good Luck today....Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I believe that your H really will wake up one day and it will be his loss and he'll know it. I know that for good women like you, that doesn't help because we take no pleasure from the idea of their pain, and (at least for me) if feel like in many ways that would just make it seem all the more sad! All this pain soooo unneccessary.
I just got a call from my H. He is on the way to the Dr to get the STD tests. Yesterday we found out S17 is behind in school again. This is not so surprising given the revelations last week to the burdens he has been carrying emotionally/mentally for the last several months. This weekend I had invited by Step-bro and his daughter up to our "dream house", with my D24, S17 and I. I had told H he was welcome to still go up there too, but he had balked at that (since he knows that Step-bro knows about our sitch). Well, H just told me that he had thougth about what I said and he in fact would be going up to the house this weekend too. H said he knows he does need to "get over it" (his wanting to run and hide), and it will give H opportuninty to talk to S17 and discuss what is happening with him "other than watching his Dad 'mess' his whole life up over the last several months." (H's words, not mine!!).
Afraid to hope! Still mentally chanting the mantra "no expectations"........
Last edited by Silent Chrleader; 11/13/0804:47 PM.
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Thanks, trapt, for your good wishes. And you wouldn't have thought much of my attitude if you saw me on Monday night! They say it's always darkest before the dawn, so I hope MAYBE I've turned a corner! But, I know I've still got a LONG way to go.
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
SC, much good luck to you in MC. Good idea to mostly listen and validate if you can. Slow and steady now, you could do this. If your h is peeking out, any kind of pressure can push him back in. I hope all goes well.
S, Hope everything went well. Keep your expectations at zero!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, now I don't know what to think or feel. The following points were made in MC session today.
1. H wants a divorce. Doesn't want to "change". Doesn't want to "work on relationship". 2. C said very little. Basically just "mirrored" what each of us said. This was VERY frustrating because he doesn't "counsel" much. 3. I told H and C that I still thought that 25 years of marriage and building a life deserved a true effort and that I really felt that justice had not been done. We have been in "counseling" for years with D24, but NOT MC and IC for US! I still felt that our family deserved our effort to take what we've learned and the "new selves" we've begun to know and see if we can perhaps build a new marriage! Yes, the old one was gone, but I don't feel I have seen "the best H" and I know he did not see the "best me" and I felt we owed our children and family that! Yes, I was crying, and this is so not what I wanted to do during this session. So, I asked H if he really felt he had been his "best self" in our marriage, and he said "No." 4. So, C asked H if he would be willing to take some time together as "best selves", and H said "that depends on how it's done". H doesn't want pressure. He wants slow. We will spend at least a couple nights a week together (like for dinner) and at least 1 day on weekend together. No "R" talk except in session with C (I suggested that one). 5. C asked if H was doing this "placatingly" or if he truly wanted to see if we could perhaps build a new relationship and H said he thought he did want to see. 6. I voiced concern that with my feelings so fresh about OW, I might get "edgy" and H said he would try to be understanding and not judge that. 7. H agreed to not drink to excess when with me or S17. 8. H, I & S17 are going to "dream house" this weekend. H will spend time concentrating on re-building relationship with S17. 9. We will continue weekly MC. 10. Landlord for H agreed to go month-to-month on his apt, but we are not "under the gun" for him to move back home. 11. H will be spending time with group of guy friends he has made at least 1x per week (possibly more), but H will not be dating or pursuing other relationships with women. 12. H admitted that he made a BIG mistake in PA with OW, and is very sorry he hurt me in that way.
So, that's basically it. A lot of positives I know, but I guess I expected H to be more "contrite" in general, but he wasn't. That just goes to show what I get for expectations (which I tried not to have!) And I'm still afraid that H is just doing this to salve his conscience, but is still set on divorce. I know I can't help that if that's the case, and I could drive myself nuts with analyzing everything. But, I'm still scared and unsure, and will really have to work extra hard on PMA!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
SC, there were a lot of positives there. Not the ones you wanted perhaps, but some nonetheless. You need to try really hard not to put any pressure on h, tough as it might be. Expecting him to be contrite at this stage of the game is a huge expectation he is not ready for. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
Yes, I know there were a LOT of positives. I was just angry at myself for "melting down" again, so I didn't come away feeling very good about me and that was very disappointing. I did call H last night to let him know that I did see all the concessions he made and that I knew that that was very difficult for him and I did appreciate it, and I appologized for if I came off as "pushy" or "wanting more". I told him that was my fear and loss of trust issues coming out, and I knew that I had to work on that. I also told him that all I wanted was to take one day at a time and see what we could build. And H said that he too was good with one day at a time, so long as I understood that that did not mean every day. And I assured him that I absolutely agreed with that, and that I still needed space to work on me and keep my head clear too. I then asked him again if he was just doing this to "placate" me, and he said that he had answered that question in the session so I didn't need to ask it again. Then he said "Try to rest well tonight, Dear."
It's going to take some time I think to feel more compfortable in my skin when I'm around him. The OW is on my mind a lot, and I worry and analyze all the time! I really need to get past that, or I'm afraid it will submarine any chance we have at building a new R.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I am a wimp compared to so many of the strong people I have read about on these boards that have sitches much more difficult than my own! I'm sorry if I offend anyone with my whining!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd