BTW, Jay, I meant to say something about those "dreams" you said you wife was placings so much stock into the meaning behind them. Do you believe in dreams like that as well? B/c some pshysics or people like that may try to put meaning to them, but they don't mean anything like they did back before the Bible was written and that was the only way God had of communicating with some people. But He doesn't do that now b/c we had the complete cannon of scripture. She should not base anything on a dream she had. I know old timers use to believe if you drea,es certain things then it meant somebody would die or somebody would have a baby.....but it was just old wives tales. We've all had dreams that made no sense and would wake up and wonder what on earth made us dream something like that.......for instance. being back in high school and not having clothes on and trying to hide....or something stupid like that. I'm not trying of be offensive, but you just can't plan your life around a dream b/c actually our mind is in a state of insanity when we are dreaming. Has she always done this before?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
However, you can certainly detach and even drop the rope......and there is a difference in those two terms also.
I do realize that I need to detach. Thanks for the explanation about the difference.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Do you believe in dreams like that as well?
No I really do not. I think it may be an old German tradition/wives tell. She and her mother have talked about them before.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Hi Jay, how are things going now?
I am having many up and down days. My W left to go out of town for several weeks. Last Friday I did not want to come home to an empty house and one that if we D I will not have to come home to. When I got home I sat on the couch and cried out loud for ten minutes and was sad the rest of the night.
The next day I went and met my parents and a brother for breakfast and felt much better. I am now working extra hours while my W is out of town. While at home I am reviewing our finances or spending time with a hobby.
Whenever we talk on the phone it seems to me that its like old times. She called me today to ask some electrical questions and I got home too late to call her tonight.
She listened to the first half of the Marriage Breakthrough video over two nights. I feel it would have been better if she had not. I wished she could listen with an open heart to the last part of the video. Maybe some day she will be able to.
I spent over an hour with my IC just before I met my W on her way to the airport to get the car back. She asked me what the IC thought about her. I told her that I spent most of the time talking to the IC. My W was amazed that I could talk that long. My IC says I am in a catch 22. When faced with a choice between doing or not doing something my W will react badly to either.
I told my W that there is a MC in our time that is available through my work. She quickly replied that she really did not want one in our town. I got the impression that she may be willing to meet with a MC with me. I wish we could spend a day with Michele to see if she could help us. I do not believe my W is ready to yet.
My current plan is just to be a good friend with my W and see what we can do together to have fun. No touching, no M/R talk, no talk about the past or future. No intimacy phys or emotional is the plan. I hope I can do the above while detaching.
She heard about the DB forums from the video. I not sure if she has tried to find me here. I not sure how much and at what level I should journal here from now on. Any Ideas? I am not sure how she will react to my first post.
I asked her what her purpose was in sleeping in a different room. Her reply was so she could separate from me. She asked me what my purpose was to mention it before she said she was going to do it. I know I asked the question here in a post and I do not remember doing it in bed with her.
I wish she would come back even if it is on the condition I do not touch her or start any conversations in the morning. I not sure I should ask her.
Wheee, I am so relieved you replied. Listen, I didn't mean to sound ugly about the dreams, but when you said what you did about the other, well, it really concerned me b/c that is some bad stuff to get into. Anyway, my grandmother used to tell me "old wives tales" about the meaning behind certain dreams (I may have told you....)anyway, that is all it is, just old tales. But if she puts a lot of stock into them, she will allow that to guide her life just as some people depend on their daily "readings" to guide them. I know everyone has the freedom to believe as they see fit and I don't mean to step on that if it sounds that way, I just was concerned.
I am kind of sorry that she heard about the board also b/c that seems to be happening with some of our folks lately. Well, you could get another email address and register under a different nickname where she would not know who you were, if you needed to do that, but the old posts would still be here. Anyway, if she reads them, it is what it is and can't be undone. I just don't want to see you leave us.
The problem about trying to get a spouse that is wanting to leave the M is they can't read a book or see a M video or even talk to a M counselor with a real open mind like they need to b/c they are not going to hear what they "want" to hear, so they will tune it out. I have been there, sweetie, I know! I tried to read a book about how Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley and I hated it b/c I was not "ready" for it. My heart was closed to anything he said.
Quote:
My current plan is just to be a good friend with my W and see what we can do together to have fun. No touching, no M/R talk, no talk about the past or future. No intimacy phys or emotional is the plan. I hope I can do the above while detaching.
You know what? I think that is a very good plan! When she does not feel pressure or threaten in any way, she will begin to relax and enjoy just being friends. When she trusts you not to try to jump her bones , and can just feel "free" to be herself around you, then so much of that tension will leave her. It will be awfully hard on you, though. I noticed in my H in years past that he could not reframe from using some type of sexual induendo (sp?) and it would spoil everything for me b/c I knew that was what he really was leading up to by being "nice" to me. So, it will be a huge test for you. I suppose it could not be any worse than this, right?
Just want to add one thing about the "detachment". I have decided to start using the term to "pull back" more than detachment. It means the same in the DB principles, but I fear that so many are allowing it to go too far to the place that it backfires on them. Know what I mean? So, while you are being friends, be sensitive to her feelings and emotions and moods and conversation, to know when to "pull back" some. You will probably know if you start smothering her again, b/c she will pull away from you. Whenever you feel her pulling away.....that's your sign for YOU to back off. Maybe that is the term to use....."back off"
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I sure do not want the marriage my parents have. Its nice to be with them separate but when they are together I can not stand how my dad treats my mother.
My W is out of town still and will return in several days. I wonder if I should meet her in the airport or tell her to call me when she arrives so I can pick her up at the curb? I work just a few minutes away from the airport.
Still having ups and down but when I saw a couple holding hands in a 55 yr and old community it was hard not to cry.
My W called me one day to ask some questions about electrical circuits. I skipped another day calling her. Wish I knew what I should be doing. I do try to keep the calls short but sometimes they turn awkward just before I say goodbye.
This morning we had to take her car into be fixed. After she dropped off the car I picked her up and drove to work. Just before she got into the drivers seat she put her arm around me. I responded by briefly holding her hand. She did not seem to mind.
I thought I would log it here and I do not think it means much.
Once again she is busy playing on the computer and watching TV.
Tonight we talked a little about the book just before she retired to bed. She said someone recommended the book to her. I ask if I should read it. She said it was up to me.
, and can just feel "free" to be herself around you, then so much of that tension will leave her. It will be awfully hard on you, though. I noticed in my H in years past that he could not reframe from using some type of sexual induendo (sp?) and it would spoil everything for me b/c I knew that was what he really was leading up to by being "nice" to me. So, it will be a huge test for you. I suppose it could not be any worse than this, right? 