From sex starved to sex dead

[Garius]

My wife Danielle and I have been having issues for awhile, and back in May of this year I picked up the SSM book after hearing about it. The book was like it was saying exactly what I was feeling and I managed to connect well with it on a lot of areas. My wife and I had been doing marriage counseling for a bit as the physical, affection and intimate side of our relationship had pretty much gone down to near nothing. After being married for ten years, having two daughters and plenty of work to do along with maintaining a house, it all came down to....

She just doesn't care for sex. Nor is she really an affectionate person. I've come to realize that I really do need these things, which is why I'm glad we're in a poly relationship since I can get the needs met elsewhere. But I still want these things with her and it's getting to an area where it's difficult to be around her because all I can think of is what we're going through. And all she can say is that things are fine and that she's happy, even knowing how unhappy I am...

Just at a loss as to how to deal with a sex dead marriage at this point and getting past this point to accepting it I guess.

[Bagheera]

Good morning, Garius;

In order to make any suggestions, we really need some more information. Can you give is a brief history of your relationship with your W (I would avoid using any actual names on these forums)-- from dating until now -- and include something about the 'poly relationship' aspect as well?

The fact that you are in a poly relationship by itself raises red flags with me, but I'll reserve further comment until you tell us more about the situation.

Best regards,

Bagheera

[Garius]

No red flags about the poly side, we both went into it very much aware of it all.

I'll definitely add a bit more, but one of the lengthier pieces I wrote about it back in February is out there and covers a lot of it: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index.php?topic=2100.0

And no real names are used. I simply have a hard time with the W, H, etc abbreviations since it doesn't "read" well to me.

[Cinco]

Hi Garius - From my experience, whenever you bring another person into your relationship, whether it is out in the open (as is your case) or it is done in secret (as I have done in the past), no matter how hard you try it is very difficult to separate a purely sexual relationship from a relationship with connection. The two affairs that I had *started* as a purely sexual thing. As time would go on though I would find myself emotionally involved in the affairs as well. It's like playing with fire. Eventually you fall for that other person and then you are torn in two and it's not a good feeling either.

If you both go outside of your marriage to try to satisfy your needs, eventually one or both of you will find attachment outside as well. At least you are counseling and maybe there you two may be able to work things out.

I wish you luck.

Cinco

[Bagheera]

Greetings Garius,

I took the time to read through your polyamoryonline thread, and I will have admit to being a bit flummoxed.

Obviously, your wife is in a long-term relationship with another man, one with whom your wife can maintain an indefinite romantic- or fantasy-only relationship with. With him there is none of the messy day-to-day errands, house clean-up, bill-paying, kid wrangling, space-sharing interactions and compromises that go along with an actual spouse. He's the romantic get-away and the confidential friend ONLY --> a win-win for him, as there's less chance of any *negatives* being attached to him as long as he romances her and maintains the emotional connection with her.

Based upon this statement:

"I'm glad we're in a poly relationship since I can get the needs met elsewhere."

You've gone outside of the relationship with your wife as well, and can enjoy the same advantage I've mentioned above. Your wife can be your practical, kid-raising partner, while your other woman can be your romance and fantasy girl. It's all out in the open, agreed to by both you and your spouse, and you each have each other's blessings.

I'm not really surprised to see a poly relationship devolve into the above his and hers respective OW and OM. In my observation, human beings tend to be serially MONOGAMOUS, in that we tend to form one romantic attachment at a time -- and your wife has found her current romantic interest in the other man. Women, in particular, tend NOT to separate emotional closeness and intimacy with physical closeness and intimacy: the two occur as a package deal (men are a little more successful at achieving this separation, but once we fall in love, the package deal is there for us as well).

So where does that leave you? In direct romantic competition with the other man. And YOU come with a load of past baggage and practical compromises that HE doesn't have to navigate. You even have your past physical appearance to contend with in her mind (she may wonder if you'll go back to your previous unfit state at some point). You've got the odds stacked against you for winning back her attentions. I hate to say this, but you opened the 'open marriage' can of worms in the first place, and in so doing, set yourself up for this.

I honestly don't know what to advise here, because my own relationship philosophy, experience, and studying has involved only exclusively monogamous relationships (one man, one woman). You might take a read through Michele's The Sex-Starved Marrage and look over her articles and books that cover affairs and the feelings / complications that go with them. Otherwise, see what advice the poly-amorous, open marriage, or swinging discussion groups can give you --> I'm sure yours is a not uncommon situation.

Good luck,

-- B.