I apologize to all that read my post about a month or so ago, I was so desperate for answers, I wanted a quick fix, I didn t take the time to properly introduce myself and my situation.
Im 46 W 45 married 21 yrs two children 18 and 13 .
Nine yrs ago I felt that my wife was distancing herself from me and our home: I started having the feeling that something was wrong but could not put my finger on it. I knew something was wrong because there was no intimacy, and we constantly fought about everything and any thing. I started having an affair with a couple of woman to sooth the pain, I felt that since she was not there for me I would go somewhere else. We started drifting apart even more, she and I would go out more frequently with out each other, than about nine months into my affairs, I felt that I wanted to get back with her, to my surprise she was not receptive, I question this and started snooping around looking for clues, after a month or so I found out that she was having an affair all along with her boss, after denying it she came clean and said that she wanted a divorce since she was no longer in love with me, well I went on a tail spin, I started drinking,presc-meds, and trying to do anything in my power to win her back, I called the boyfriend, call anyone in her family that would listen,made her feel afraid to the point where she got a restraining order on me. I felt that this was the end of my life, then I fount Divorce busting website and all of Michelles books. For the next six months I move in with my mother and took care of all my wifes finances at home. I decided that now was the time to go to work in saving my marriage. I dedicate myself to win her back by immersing myself in therapy, anti-depressant meds and tranforming myself using the Divorce Busting methods. It took about two yrs from the time I started to the point where she started talking about canceling the divorce procedures, to make a long story short, it worked, I could not be any happier, I was able to make this work thanks to my hard work, all the great friends I made on this site from all over the US and some from as far as Australia,and to the all those telephone consults from Michelles office, I felt I had to get all the help to save my marriage and it worked.
Its seven yrs later, Im getting restless again, the W is not appealing, the sex is almost non-existence, the fighting is constant, so I decide the best remedy is look for ways to end my marriage. I meet a woman that I felt walked out of a playboy magazine into my lap, I figure this is what I was looking for, I go crazy, my W noticing this change is now chasing me, I feel its too late, I have found my dream woman and Im gone. One yr later I find that playboy bunny is not the beauty inside that I saw on the outside, the only great thing we have in common is sex nothing else, I now decided that I no longer want this woman, I want my wife back: GUESS WHAT? My wife is now twenty pounds lighter looking like a million dollars, dating, and looking like she’s having a ball , the more I see her the more I want her back. I feel like the BIGGEST LOOSER in the world, I worked so hard to get my wife back, I just turned around and gave her away, to make things worse she served me with divorce papers 3 weeks ago.
I dont know how to come back here and ask for help, I feel ashamed, and scared at the same time, I think this time I have lost her for good.
Like Whitelight, as much as I would like to say something positive and inspiring, I just don't have it in me. At this point I would say, phone the DB coaches and get help from the trained people who aren't as emotionally "invested" as some of us on here are. Please don't take me as being judgmental, but for those of us who have had to experience D for doing nothing wrong, my empathy is not there for you.
Spend the money, make the call (DB coach), sit down with yourself and do some soul searching. Would your W even consider sitting with you and listening to your reasons, explanations or apologies? You better factor in how much you love your kids and how much they mean to you. I'll tell you from a father who has to enjoy his kids part time now, it sucks, your relationship with them will never be the same. I have a D18 that I see now less then I do the cashier at the grocery store. Perhaps it's time to get your eyes off of yourself and figure out how your going to do the right things.
I know this is not the Steven Covey pep talk you were looking for, but if I didn't care, I wouldn't have posted. It's time for you to man up, do what you should have done the first time and make sure you get whatever took you down that bad path out of your system. Check with your coach, see if you will commit to W to make change X, Y, Z, will she hold off and give you some time to prove yourself. Run it by the coach if they think this is a good idea. If they give you the green light, you better get it done and don't look back. Otherwise, I would say, screw this up and you will be done.
I am sorry for what you are going through, but I am going to be harsh here. I think gentle words would be pointless in your sitch because let's face it, you scr*wed up, BIG time.
I guess you had more issues than you realized when you had those affairs with the two women 9 years ago. You did the work, got your wife back, but I think there was more work to be done, 'eh. Because, this time, you should've realized that M has its ups and downs, it goes through periods of less sex, some fighting, etc. Which doesn't mean you rush out to have an A. I think the only reason you are looking back at your W is because your OW didn't work out, and your W is looking good and having fun. Perhaps if you had stuck with your W despite the problems, started treating her more romantically, etc. things might've been different. She chased you to get you back, and you said it was too late, and now I think it's too late for you to get your W back. I could, of course, be wrong.
I am sorry I'm being so harsh. But, I went through a little of this ... chasing my H, and him telling me it was too late. Then I dropped the rope, and he decided he wanted me back. In the end, we came back together, but he didn't have multiple affairs (just the one), and I had none. I can tell you now, I will never chase him again. The humiliation was too much ... when I had done nothing wrong (other than go through a particularly bad period in my life, and H wasn't there for me --- he checked out), and there I was competing with some other woman. I am trying to get into how your wife must be thinking and feeling and I can only do this by identifying with what happened to me.
How to help you .... not sure? I think Phoenix is right, that you should call a coach, and maybe you should also get yourself an IC. You need to find out why you have an affair as soon as things don't go your way or are unpleasant. Why you could not have sat your wife down, and asked for MC, or tried to figure out what's happening. You sure did forget the DBing 'rules'. Maybe she was depressed, or was going through personal issue, but didn't know how to share, but all you were worried about was how much sex you were having. (Okay, okay, I am transferring my earlier M problems onto yours --- sorry.)
Perhaps you need to go through with the D. Give your W some space and time away from this particular period. Then work on yourself and your issues, be her friend, and maybe down the road you can get back together again. You have been very honest here, and I do applaud you for that. BTW, did your W know about the two affairs 9 years ago? Or did you concentrate on hers? Just curious, so you don't have to answer, but it may speak to your true issues if you didn't tell her.
I wish you luck and hope things work out one way or another. This kinda pain really sucks!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
