Trying2live-Post #4

[AllW8SBF]

I'm in So cali! Look up the Ronald Regan Library.......

I've been to the RRL - bought H a t-shirt last time I was there. I love SCal. Maybe sometime I can go back. I was going to take a road trip from Nov 21-Nov 26th as I have like a month of vacation to take b4 end of year. And the 26th is my birthday - what a wonderful/horrible day that will be. H now does not want to go to Thanksgiving and wants to tell his p's so they don't go either.
He wants my answer and I just want him to go - plain and simple but well we know what he wants.
I think he may not want to go because I said something that would make him really uncomfortable in front of my p's - I said I told my p's I could accept him back if he had a PA but not an EA. He said at that time how could you say that, what does that say about me, how can I look at your parents. And now he asked his C and she said how do I think he can step foot in my p's house after I said that? Well I told him I lied and hadn't said that but at the time I told him I said that I was so distraught I was saying anything to get him to stay.
Now I'm not sure but he may be a little less disgusted about going now that I hadn't said that.
But I'm sure he still doesn't want to go.

[faithrunner]

T2L and Hope, thank you for your support. It is hard sometimes to see the positives until someone points them out to you.
And, on the plus side, he went to a ceremony for Vet's day at the base today and then a service at the chapel. That's church, people!! So unlike him! I know God is speaking to his heart, I hope he will listen and let Him guide his steps. NO EXPECTATIONS...

He offered to watch the kids so I'm going to the mall for a bit tonight.

T2L, my biggest roadblock with meeting his conversation need is I now have such a fear of asking him questions! I don't want him to think I'm pursuing and I was afraid in the past that it would lead to him saying something negative about me. So, I'm trying to combine that one with saying something for admiration first. So much to remember!

[AllW8SBF]

Well ladies, and gentleman, I went through and caught up on 6 pages of posts, boy you've been busy.
I am so glad there are some more and more positive steps being made. Even the ones that seem not so positive, I've learned that a baby step is better than nothing. So Marisol, TXMom don't give up hope.
As usual no expectations and we'll make it through.

Me too, I've been GAL and mostly PRAYING. I know GOD is listening and he's there, sometimes I can feel the magic other times not so much but I know he will beat away the evil.

So we had a pretty good weekend, except Sunday he made some football bets and they were going great, then it went south and he got angry. I tried to be supportive and rub his shoulders and he said don't do that. It hurt.
Then last night he was happy and talking to me. I was on the phone when he came home and he changed and ended up telling me he was going to get his hairs cut and to the gym. Well this Saturday he has planned for 2 weeks now to meet someone (must be a girl or something) in Indianapolis, that is like 4 or 5 hours away. He's leaving right after work on Friday. Well Sunday he did his teeth whitening (has not done that in like a year), last night haircut, and then gym. Trying to impress he I guess.
As I said he was very friendly to me last night and said that it's hard for him to go to the gym cause he needs a purpose and now he has one - I was waiting for him to say a girl, but he said he's starting baseball again.
He bought a bed this weekend for the other room.

He's pushing me on the whole spending holidays together thing. So what do you think I should do? My DB coach says I don't need to answer yet. And now well, his Aunt sent me and his SIL an email asking for Christmas lists - it's just to me and her so not him or his brother, so I'm not sure what to do with that either.

Thursday he cancelled his show to talk to me and help me as I asked for help with my feelings on this whole R thing. I really really didn't ask him to talk about R but he pushed me to discuss it and let my feelings out.
So we did, and he told me I'm not reacting like a normal woman in this sitch would. I just told him that I do want this marriage but that I need to work on getting back to who I was, and you know what he says to me, MORE THAN ONCE at different times in convo. I'm not going to wait around for you to figure out if you want this marriage or not. He said that to me!

So what does that mean - I called him on it and said you know you are giving me mixed messages saying every 30 seconds how you want out and then 10 minutes later, He's not going to wait around to see if I want this marriage.
Am I wrong in thinking there is a bit of him upset that I don't know, and that he wants me to just say yeh I want it.

See I'm trying to avoid begging and pleading and saying I want the relationship, but he keeps trying to pull out what I want and well that is what I want. So what do I do, say when he does that?

I have more questions but I have to get home - doing the whole leave and get home for my family bit.

Got to go.
Take care everyone.

[hope3343]

Hi Faith,glad we can support. It is always a 2 way street. we really help each other. Your H went to church. Some kind of light is starting to come on. baby steps. Try to carry a conversation but only ask leading questions that will not think you are pursuing him. Don't they have high opinions of themselves.

T2L, I have not been sending any texts or anything. I have not seen H since Friday - 4 days with nc. I have been trying to detach since I find it hard not to get emotional around him. Also it is hard to make light conversation with D15 not speaking to him. Do you think I should try and open up the lines of communication with him or just keep back and see what happens?

All, glad you are reading books and going to DB coach. I agree with the coach about you do not have to decide today what to do with the holidays. One day at a time. I still do not know if H is coming for thanksgiving and I am not going to worry about it. You need to stop the R talk, your H cannot force you to talk about it. detach from it. You are still basing all of your thoughts and actions on what says. Make yourself less available. As for H saying he can't wait for you to figure yourself out and that he didn't think you want the M, just say once you know my feelings on the M and then change the subject. You need to step back from his feelings and work on yours. I know that when my H speaks to me I am always looking for signs and I know for now I have to step back otherwise I get too caught up in his craziness. Does that make sense?
take care

[Trying2live]

Hope,
Ya know I say the 4 days is really good, I'm proud of you. I know its hard but growth is happening in you as well, its also helping you to release and trust God if that makes sense. Your going to get to a great place of growth where yeah things might hurt and be frustrating as all crap but your going to not be as moved by them, but instead be ruled by the peace of God in the midst of it. I'm sure whether you see it or not he's feeling it. The time is good for him to think about things and sometimes that can only happen when no one is around for you to blame.

This can go to everyone who has pulled back and is considering re-establishing communication again with their spouse. I really would base that decision on how you feel you can handle it. Ask your self these questions, If I open up the lines of communication can I have NO EXPECTATIONS? Can I NOT talk about the R or the OW. Can I remain neutral and cheerful despite what is going on? Will I be able to NOT be his conscience or try to bring reasoning? Will I be able to state that DD17(or children) is really hurting and quickly move on to another subject and let him deal with that relationship? And when the communication is done can I walk away feeling ok.

I know it sounds like a lot, but the object is not to create further removal of Love Bank Deposits(SAA book) when you have interactions with spouse. If you think you can't handle the above wait a little longer. you have absolutely to be in a place of personal strength and neutrality, really mastery over our own souls-and mouths LOL, to be able to do what is necessary.

You need to get to a place where you are NOT ruled by your emotions, I know that sounds crazy but what we are doing(fighting for our marriages) is tactical and all out war. You have to look at it from this perspective. In a war things are done strategically and not from emotion. We all have to get to this place so we can execute the best battle plans to achieve the best results. I know this sounds really crazy but I am not kidding.

The bible says 1 Peter 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Devour what? How about your marriage?

SAA and DR are tactical plans to help you win or at least have a fighting chance(along with much prayer) to have our marriages back. They must be held, in my humble opinion, In high regard and utilized. Both of these books and prayer together are your weapons. Use your weapons efficiently. I have no clue why I am saying this stuff, maybe someone needs this info. Gosh I sure hope so LOLOLOLOL

[AllW8SBF]

Thanks hope, ok, that's my goal this week, to change subject and not care what his responses are.
I do think about it, and just usually come here and discuss or vent about it, but that last convo I turned the comment on it's ear - to him so I need not do that.

Now Like I've said, I've got the SAA book 2 things - I didn't take the test because well, I don't know the answers. I don't think I can answer those questions AS/FOR H. Sometimes I think his mood is one way and he wants one thing and the next I'm not so sure what is important to him.
I know he gets mad or irritated annoyed when I act like a little girl. But then the next minute he complains I don't act like a girl/woman.

His family seems to be affectionate physically so I think he needs that, where as mine is verbally affectionate, and I tend to give that more.

So how do I answer the questions if I'm not really sure what he wants/needs? I mean I think it would be pretty easy yes or no questions but they want level of measurement.

And next question - T2L your in Plan A and you set it at I think you said 6 mos and that would be different for different sitch, did you decide that based on your ability to detach while in presence or was the time frame based on something else. Sorry I've just started reading and I'm only to page 63 but that's pretty good and really like that this book and the Prayer book are not really big so I should be able to get through it really quick.

I was thinking I could get through it if I sat in bed, Fri, Sat, and Sun and just read all 3 these books (SAA, TPOAPW, DB) all this weekend because H would be gone and don't need to leave the house (GAL) then, but now I'm being told he may be home cancelling Indianapolis trip - GOD is at work.

Oh guess what I'm doing? Fri night a new meetup started in my area Sex in the City Friends. Now I've NEVER watched that show/movie, not much into it, but they are having their first gathering at Cheeseburger in Paradise, and I'm going!

Oh and I've been doing my dance class and was so Proud, first day and I was picking up the dance soooo much better than I have the past few times. And so I'm going to mention at this gathering if anyone is a part of my gym come on out we can go to class Friday nights and then meet for dinner. It would be a blast.

AND I'm spreading the joys of the Lord. One of the girls I am friends with at work and have been setting up at least a outing for us 1 time a month, (this weekend we are going bowling - they bring their kids - but their good kids) Anyway, her and her husband have a huge rift between them and it's only getting bigger and bigger. I've known her for years and it really is only getting worse. SO before it gets worse I'm praying for her and her marriage, and I did that for all of you last night also. But I'm also getting her to pray and do some of the little things Michelle Weiner Davis says in "A Woman's Guide to Changing her Man", and I'm going to download that book for her for her MP3 player.
I want to help people and prevent them from feeling the pain I have, and like I said she has 2 children and they are adorable. I don't want them to feel the pain your children have.
She's stubborn, and she knows she could live on her own. But we all deserve to be a happy family so hopefully everyones marriage can start anew and be happier than ever imagined on our wedding day.

Have a great day ladies- it's cloudy but the Lord is near and the sun will melt the icky snow and spring will come again.

[hope3343]

Hi T2L, I have begun to feel the prayers that I have been praying and everyone praying for us.
Usually when I wake up either during the night or in the morning, my mental image is thinking about H and OW. But the past few days when I do wake up I can detach from them, and then this morning I had a vision of OW being wrapped up in branches (hedge of thorns?), strangest feeling but I feel God is truly working on this. Also, last week when I was going to bed I was thinking about them again and my mind was whirling around and I put my hand on the Bible and a song from church started to play in my head and when I laid down, I kept hearing it and was able to drift off to sleep immediately. I know it is God's work. I was never a Bible reader but I try to read some every night. I turned to Job last night and read how he had faith after God took away his family, good fortune etc and Job still kept his eyes to the Lord. What faith--

Good advice on how I am feeling. I want to re-establish communication but I think that it would be too soon. I see H at my afternoon meeting. I plan on getting there first and seeing where H sits. detach detach. Then maybe in a bit I will be ready to re-build Love Bank. But still working out and going to Yoga today. Need to keep working on myself physically (which is an outward change) and mentally (which I need to show H next by actions) and spirtually (which helps myself inward). As I always say this board and you are a God send. We support each other.

All, for taking test in the back you need to guess what his response would be. We don't get graded on it! A couple of things I answered I was unsure butI just did the best I could. Then you will have his top 5 drivers. I am impressed with all the GAL you are doing. That will build up your confidence. And helping your friend is good because we need to think of others and what they are experiencing. You are doing great.

[Trying2live]

All,
So awesome to hear you are GAL'ing still! About Plan A, My Plan A is only about 7 weeks. They recommend about that for women.

Hey recommend His Needs Her Needs to your bowling friend. Its by Willard Harley as well it just doesn't deal with Infidelity and she may be able to repair the riff in her marriage.

I am glad you are getting out there especially bowling with your friend who had kids. I like that. Kids are cool.

I think for now just get through the 2 books then when you are done and have grasped the concepts decide then your course. I think the most important things are GAL'ing and 180'ing and trying not to Love Bust. As long as you do that it'll give you time to read through the material.

I can hear your confidence building and its great your starting to live and get out there and do things that are fun. Bravo! Once the dance class gets to easy go find a more difficult one!

I think that the most important thing is for all of us to grow and make some minor changes in ourselves if that makes sense? Sometimes we put all this energy into our H's and we neglect ourselves. The part that scares me in this is what if H's come back hypothetically tomorrow and we didn't grow and make changes, it could happen all over again. That's why I have used this time also do the investigating as DR recommends and find out what was it that drew H to OW and what was it he complained about. As hard as it sound ya'll concentrate some of your energies on yourself. GAL, 180, self care etc. The whole darn world is revolving around our spouses so if we take some of that energy towards us they wont even miss it LOL.

[hope3343]

T2L, well said! It does make sense that the world is revolving around them and we are going crazy. We need to capture some of that gravity to us and make it stick!
Just talked to older D. H called her yesterday. She said it was weird -- he said a whole lot of nothing. She said it was like talking to an acquaintance (sound familiar). She never brought up OW. H said D15 was still not talking to him and he told her I lost weight and looked pretty! H wanted to make plans to see her when she flies in. D said he did not mention Thanksgiving. I told her I have not talked to him about it. If anything happens it will be last minute.
Will let you know what happens after meeting. take care.

[AllW8SBF]

Well I struggle with the whole world revolves around them thing because that is probably one of H's needs and if I don't do it then he's not going to get it from me.

Now the dance class will never get easy. It's not like some of these dances classes where you learn the specific moves, like "pie", "curtsy", we learn a new routine, like we could be the dancers at a Madonna concert. Where we learn a new routine every 2-3 weeks. She takes a song and breaks each step down. We are doing a dance to Bad Girl by Danity Kane, it's a 4 min song we only got through 1 min 30 the first day. So it takes a while before we learn the whole dance. It's really cool I love it. It kills several birds with one stone, I learn to get my moves on, I exercise, I learn a dance, and get sex appeal.

You know I know we are not supposed to dwell on what they say or do, but you know, sometimes the simplest things annoy my husband. Like yesterday he was annoyed that when he came around the corner I had my one foot turned under while I was standing, looking very unconfident. And then He bought a new bed and it was delivered yesterday. He says did you see the new bed, I'm like no I didn't get upstairs yet, so I go up and he's long ways behind me, I lay down on it. He got pissed, he's like that's my bed, you don't realize what you just did. I apologized but it's like he gets mad and I'm just supposed to know what made him mad.
And then he asked me to help with taking the frame apart to put the old one back so he could return the new one and get money back. So I did, well he needed me to pull the onside when he pulled this lever, I did, so then we got to the other side I did it again without him asking and he got mad. I'm like you asked me to do it on the other side, and he's like I didn't ask you this time.

It's like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't - do any of you feel this way ever?

Ok got to go. Chat later.