Trying2live-Post #4

[Trying2live]

Ok were over 100 posts and it starts over each time.

[faithrunner]

T2L! I need you!!!

Please read my post with your name in the title!

Thanks

[Trying2live]

I read a little but can you be more detailed in what happened and what is going to happen, I know I'm one of those slow lame people who get confused a little, I'm so serious too. I read it but I'm lost a little. Tell again, hurry!!

[faithrunner]

Ok, so I had this strange feeling today he was having a hard time. He's been extra helpful and generous ($1200 lap top yesterday, didn't need it-mine is only one year old) since the whole weekend mess.

Today he sends me an email that says:
"I'm sorry. One of my former students came in and virtually collapsed on me. . .told me her husband was leaving her. It hit me pretty good. She's devastated. It's hard not to compare it to "us".

I never wanted to hurt you . . .
I really am sorry for this . . ."

I was really angry. What kind of lame apology was that? What is he sorry for? Leaving? Cheating? Telling me he doesn't love me a million times? Telling me he wants to marry OW? Bringing her around my kids? WHAT?

So I am asking for advice on how to respond. I don't know why I got a feeling he was having trouble today, but I did. I have prayed over and over for someone to come into his life and show him the way back to his family. Unsure if this is that person or not. I haven't responded to him yet. I feel like I should let him think this through until I see him at home tonight (he does bedtime with us every night).

What do you think? BG and Hope suggested I validate the student's feelings and stay away from his and any R talk.

[Trying2live]

Well this is the hard part, when something like this happens and it hits rally close to home yeah he may come out of the fog but then he can go back into the fog just as quick.

No I know that our spouses do have consciences its just the fog pushes it back and the selfishness comes to the forefront. I do believe he may be sorry for whatever it is he says as hard as that is to hear. Now that doesn't mean they are repentant but I do believe their conscience does speak to them and at times they hear it and feel remorseful, not repentant but remorseful. They know they shouldn't do all this crap they do, but the selfishness is at the forefront but believe me they know it.

Now have you read SAA? In SAA Dr. Harley explains Love Busters. These are things that rob and deplete the love bank.

I would not recommend saying things that may be love busting behavior. A few of these are disrespectful judgement, which could sound like, "you don't mean it or how could you feel that way by what you doing" etc etc. Go here to see a full description, I was guilty of this but would have NEVER thought so until I read the book. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html

And you also don't want to Love Bust by an angry out burst either, read here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html

I know your probably wondering why you have to be the one to do it, but unfortunately our spouses are not there yet so its us or nothing.

The bible says a soft answer turns away wrath. Can you give a soft answer.

If will be the goodness of God and not arguing that will break things at times. Now I by no means think anyone should be a doormat, but its not always force that changes things though at times it does.

I think waiting till he gets home is good. I think if you can maneuver through this conversation and NOT mentioning or asking the status of your R or tying yourself into her then go ahead and listen. If you feel you can't handle it change the subjects nonchalantly.

Do your best, I know you can do this cuz If I can look at a hickie on my H while have sex with him you can do this, ok.

I know it hurts but we gotta reduce the negative emotions and start at the friendship level. When talking about it, act as if you are a friend so the A that you are going through won't have any bearing make sense? Maybe just listen, seem interested, and try and find 1 thing positive to say if you can. I don't know if you can, you may not but you'll know if you can. Something lame as wow, that's really weird that, that happened to you, or wow she must have felt you were very trustworthy to have gone to you or I'm glad she was able to find a safe place to talk maybe you can find her a female she can relate to better. Get the idea?

If you haven't gotten SAA I would recommend getting it now taking the test in the back as if it was your H taking it so you can identify his needs its super important. If his #1 need is conversation and you think its domestic support your going to be missing the mark badly plus we all need to find out where our possible love busters are.

I'm not sure If I helped at all, but answer the door smelling great looking good, cheerful and confident.

[hope3343]

Faith, let us know how it goes. We are rooting for you.

T2L, thanks for opening the new thread. I give you credit looking at that hickie. You are doing great.

Well funny story today. We had a fire drill today and we all go outside. So you know how I take a walk around the building twice a day so I figure it is a good time to do it. I am crossing through the parking lot not really paying attention to too much and all of a sudden up ahead I see the OW turned around looking at me with the phone in her ear. She looks panicked. Now I am a pretty fast walker these days so I realize she thinks I am following her. The funny part is I had no idea she was ahead of me. So I continue to walk and at this point she is running and runs out into the street. I actually burst out laughing and turned around. I go back and call H. I leave him a TM saying just to let you know I had the best laugh today, watching Ow running thinking I am chasing her. I said you know I can't see far away and had no idea till she was practically running away trying to call you (for what backup). She ran in the street and could have been hit by a car...hmmmm smile. Amazing when you doing the wrong thing you are always watching behind you. It was like a comedy show...take care...

I could not have planned that if I tried. Funny thing, H sends me an e-mail later asking about mail but never mentions the text because that would be admitting. But I had to tell him how paranoid she is. Can't make this stuff up.

Talked to D15 today, asking how she is doing. She said I am fine, I said it must be hard with her Dad not home. she said I am happy just the way I am right now. I don't want to see Daddy. I am mad and it is peaceful without all of his drama. So I accept it for what it is for now.

How is everyone else doing?

[faithrunner]

Well, I'm not sure if I smelled great after work all day, but I was cheerful and confident!!

T2L, Hope, and BG, I can't thank you enough for the rally! I took to heart all your advice and here's what I did.

I usually let H know that I'm leaving work to get the kids, so I responded to the email 2 hrs after he sent it with a brief message: "sorry it took me so long to respond, we were swamped today! I hope your student is ok. I'm off to get the guys!"

So that was what I sent before I read T2L's response as I was driving to get the kids (I know, not the safest, but I was dying to read it). Three things resonated with me: reducing negative emotions, avoiding love busters, and a soft response. I was also praying as I was thinking about this and God directed me to be compassionate b/c he is hurting today. He knew this was a tall order, given the week we had. But, when I read your statement about a soft answer turning away wrath, I felt a peace come over me. I knew I could do it.

So, when I called him to tell him I picked up with the guys, I could tell he sounded a little wrung out. I told him something funny about the kids, he laughed and we joked around a little. Then I said, I'm sorry you had a rough afternoon. He said, well it wasn't that it was rough . . . I said, well it was really nice of you to let your student vent like that. She has no idea the kindness you showed her. He says you're probably right, we can talk more about it later. I say bye.

I have thought for a while that admiration is one of his top needs (I swear I'm getting that book this weekend!!!), and I felt like it was big for him to share his feelings with me - esp given that he said he can't open up to me, so that's why I felt I had to acknowledge that he was upset today. Plus it hit me that he never even had to email me about what happened in the first place! (even if the apology still irritates me)

My goal for when he got home was to keep everything light and really avoid talking about it anymore. We joked with the kids, I made a great dinner and we had a really good time. He even invited me to go with him and the kids for their plans on Sunday. I said thanks, but I have plans. He said, ok, great(looking down). I didn't give details, but was dying to join them! I had told him Monday that his plans with the kids sounded great and I wouldn't be going. I didn't think I'd get the second invite. When he left he said, call me if you or the kids need anything. I like when he says that b/c I figure he'll be alone. And he called right after he left, another common thing he does, to check on the kids (are they asleep yet? Well, it's been 2 seconds, so no:)

All in all, I think it went well. Agree?

You folks are priceless!

[faithrunner]

Oh yeah, and that hickie story will keep me laughing FOREVER!

[faithrunner]

Hope, way to get the OW to run into traffic! That is hilarious! I'm sure H laughed, even if he'll never admit it:)

[Trying2live]

Hey homies!!! LOL Here is some more stuff I found. I think everyone can use some of it(SAA book)enjoy.....

Its necessary to expose the existence of the adultery to everyone who can put pressure on the adultery and influence the partners in adultery to end their relationship. You need to begin work now to develop that list. The list may include some or all of the following. It may also include people not on this sample list.

A. If the person your spouse is involved with is married, His or her spouse must be told of the adultery even if your spouse actually terminates the affair and enthusiastically begins to labor long and hard on your marriage the instant you find out about the adultery. The other persons spouse (OPS) has the right to address the problems in their own marriage.

B. Your spouses parents and sometimes your spouses siblings. Parents can place tremendous pressure on their adulterous offspring. On occasion, they take their childrens part and choose to ignore the adultery, but they often become strong allies in breaking it up.

C. Your children. Guess what? Kids as young as four see and hear…and understand…far more than you think they do. D r. Harley has stressed the importance of making sure children know mom or dad is behaving inappropriately but that mom and dad still love the child. The child must know he or she is NOT the cause of all the tension in the household.

D. Your family. You need allies who can put pressure on the adultery and your family members can do that. They may be able to add nothing more than disapproving glances, but that pressure mounts up.

E. Friends of the family. Same reason as above.

F. Your spouses co-workers if the adultery is an office affair. (I hate the word affair. It makes a slimy, squalid thing seem less offensive.) Co-workers can apply lots of pressure. They may have suspected before you exposed to them. Now they know for certain.

G. Again, if the adultery began in the office, expose to the spouses boss or Human Resources Director. The company may have a policy on inappropriate relationships. If one partner or the other is a supervisor, the company can directly influence the adultery and make it impossible for it to continue.

H. Your pastor or priest. These individuals have tremendous influence in your wayward spouses life. Make them your allies.

I. Officers and members of professional associations and social organizations your spouse is in. Few of these tolerate moral turpitude in their membership. Use that to your advantage.

J. Anyone else who can reasonably be expected to be able to put pressure on the adulterous relationship.

Exposure is THE strongest weapon you have at your disposal to smash the adultery. Adultery is part disrespect, part deceit, and part fantasy. It exists in the darkness under rocks. Turn the rock over, shine a brilliant spotlight on the seamy underside, and the roaches begin to scurry away. The lies that are a part of every adultery are revealed for what they are and the fantasy world that includes just the two adultery partners begins to shatter. USE exposure.

When you have your list ready, go to each person and sit down with him or her if you can. Its good for them to see you troubled, but very calm and steady. It’s very important to be under control. Many wayward spouses will immediately try to gaslight their betrayed spouses and will swear to everyone around the betrayed one is demented to even think the wayward spouse would actually sneak around behind your back. Take a deep breath and launch into a description of what has intruded into your marriage. Dont wait for the perfect time and place, or the magic words to use. Theyll never come. Dont tell your spouse youre going to do expose the obscene adultery to your prospective allies. Just do it.

Oh, by the way, your wayward spouse will be absolutely furious. He or she will shriek imprecations at you, swear he/she was going to work on the marriage but now...oh, boy...now they wouldnt have anything to do with you if you were the last person on the face of the planet, etc. It's all bluster, noise, and drama. They are pissed off because youve wrecked the perfect little fantasy world theyve been indulging themselves with. Let them rant and rave. It means nothing because you know where its coming from. Spouses sometimes do leave at this point for a while. If they do, you do NOT support their separate lifestyle in any way. If they leave, the almost invariably come back very quickly because their fantasy isnt supportable without your help.

Look, the purpose of exposure is to bust up the adultery. You are not doing this out of spite; you are not vengeful. Your spouse will see it as such, but it is not. Do not decline to expose because of the embarrassment you may feel about the adultery, and certainly don’t refuse to expose because it might embarrass your spouse.

Important Note: Do NOT shield your spouse from the consequences of his or her adultery. If you do, you give your spouse time and space to reignite the adultery and continue it better hidden than before. If you skip exposure, based on a misplaced respect or something that sounds equally noble, you will be condoning the disrespect your spouse has shown the marriage, your children, and you. Remember, adulteries thrive in the darkness. They are fed by lies and deceit. By shining the blinding light of exposure on the adultery, you force everything into sharp focus. The relationship begins to whither.