I'm interested in hearing about people's experiences with going no contact with their unfaithful and unrepentant spouses and particuarly when there are children involved.
I have been DB'ing for close to eight months now, first two months post bomb did the usual, but wrong, stuff.
I am not certain yet I want to go no contact with my wife but I often think of it and wonder how others have done that have followed this route with children involved.
I have not actually had much contact with my wife over the past few months, other than child related activities. Things have been very civil, almost "normal" friendly at times but I feel this is because I have done such a good job at stuffing down my emotions and always being civil, nice and friendly.
I'm far from certain that my wife is reconsidering things, she is maybe just relieved that I am not making life difficult for her.
I often find interactions with her draining and still find myself to be angry, resentful and distrustful due to her affair, bailing on our marriage and family, taking my child away from me half the time as well as the usual unfaithful "script" of blameshifting, gaslighting, and "I'm sorry but you made me do it" type bs. It really shocks me that she never asks how I am doing with it, how I am coping with her affair and her subsequent emotional and physical abandonment.
Again, I often find myself asking, why do I want this woman back? Someone who did such a terrible selfish thing and does not show me remorse or concern? Everyday I work on forgiveness but it is hard when she is not looking for forgiveness.
So, I am considering total no contact, other than essential emails to do with our daughter. No face to face or phone contact unless absolutely necessary and no interaction from me if I do see her. I feel this may be a good option for me in terms of healing and moving on but I do not want to damage my daughter or come across as a mean bitter guy who is only doing this to punish his ex.
I am not proposing this for ever, just for an adequate period of time.
I am not totally at this stage yet but feel I might be soon and would really appreciate in support or evidence that people may have.
Well, I need to properly read up on your sitch for an in-depth answer.
I will offer you this. My W has had multiple A's in the last three years. I have done the same thing as you, stuff my emotions to keep the peace.
Right now, I'm cordial to my W when we're together. She hasn't "officially" left the marital residence; though she's here less than she's not. When we're not together; I do not contact her at all except in matters of the kids or finances. I prefer it that way; because it keeps my emotions and anger in check.
The big difference though is that I have the kids. She doesn't care enough to even wake up in the morning to see them most times. So my W is a WAW and a WAMom. It certainly makes the no contact easier for me, I believe.
Have you ever read the book Surviving An Affair By Dr. Willard Harley? It has a great case in it that he runs through the book that has the wife as the betraying spouse. This book is amazing and has a great deal of information on the infidelity. I really would consider getting it if you haven't and it also deals with no contact as well. I highly recommend you get this as soon as possible if you plan to do a period of no contact there are some things in the book that will show you how to get to that point. By the way I don't always view a hole lot of posts you can find me at Trying2live #3, but I'll try to remember to find your.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
thanks so very much for your advice and insight, I really appreciate it.
Trying2Live, I have heard of the book but I haven't read it. I will obtain a copy. I will read up on your situation and I hope I am also able to offer you some support.
MarriedCrazy, I read up a little on your situation, you sound like a man of huge patience and understanding, I commend you.
Take care, Scotsman
Me - LBS 47yrs old Her - WAW 34yrs old DD - 10yrs old Together - 15 months Bomb - 28/07/15 "I still love you but can't deal with situation"
I wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread and offering your support. I wish I could offer up some sage advice on your situation. While I don't have any sage advice to offer, I will lend you my support in what ever way possible to help see you through this time in your life.
I wish you the best and will watch your thread for updates.
Dash
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
