Whether or not to check-in with H

[ThinkingItThru]

Something has been bothering me lately. Several weeks ago I told H that I was giving him his freedom and I would leave him alone, but I would be here to talk when/if he was ready.

Since then I've been doing my own thing and I haven't been pursuing him at all. My question is, if we don't speak about these things, how will he know that I still want to be married? That I'm not angry with him. He's coming up with all the wrong ideas by interpreting my actions. Last weekend I told him I was going out for a hike and I didn't know when I'd be back. A couple hours later my MIL called to asked if I was OK. "Of course, why?" Because he told her that I was angry, that I was slamming things around, and that I stormed out of the house saying that I didn't know when I'd be back. This doesn't jive with my feelings or attitude at the time at all. I fear that if he's interpreting my wishes and desires through his internal filters and he's getting them all wrong.

But I don't want to initiate a R discussion with him. And he's not exactly jumping into conversations with me about his feelings about the R or the future.

I'm leaving him alone right? I don't want to give him a mixed message that I'm leaving him alone and then start up with saying that we should do more things together. I just don't see how we're going to be friends again if we don't do things together as a couple.

Confused...

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((ThinkingItThru)))))
It's a tough call. I'd be tempted to stay quiet a while longer, since I am kind of afraid that anything else would lead to the R talk you'd like to avoid. I think you are right, he is interpreting you through his internal filters, but even if you talked to him, those filters are still in place! Right now, he already knows the answer (in his mind) so anything you say WILL support what he already knows.

How long have you been dark?

[BSC]

Thinking it Thru, this is a tough one. I am not a long time poster but I can tell you that I beleive your H knows that you want to be married still. I agree that you should probably avoid any R talk still and let him bring it up.

I know this is very hard. It has been a month since I told my W that I will give her space and time. (really she asked for it, but I like to tell myself it was my decision to give her this) We have not talked R at all. But she made it very clear that she knows that I love her and I am willing to wait for her to work it out if possible. She said she just doesn't want to hear it because she knows it.

My point is that your H probably knows by you saying that you will give him his freedom where you stand. Trust me I know that several weeks feels like years but stick it out and take care of you and stay strong.

[WCW]

Hi Thinking, congrats on your 180 of doing your own thing and not pursuing. He must be noticing if he is talking to MIL about it.

He will have his own version of whatever you do, so just try and make sure you are aware of your body language. Also go the extra mile to make eye contact and smile when you are talking about anything.

About slamming things - brings back memories of when H told me how mean I was for slamming the door in his face ALL of the time. I asked what he was talking about, I don't slam doors. He said yes, that every night when we walked in the house he would stop to feed the dogs and when I went in the house I slammed the door in his face. I didn't, all I did was latch it so it wouldn't swing open before he came in! But, the fact is that was his interpretation of my actions.

My question is, if we don't speak about these things, how will he know that I still want to be married?

Try thinking about the saying that actions speak louder than words. Then be very aware that your actions show love and kindness from a distance for now.

[MrsJJJ]

<Try thinking about the saying that actions speak louder than words. Then be very aware that your actions show love and kindness from a distance for now.>

I, too have done a 180 and have not seen or heard from my H for weeks. In fact, our anniversary was last Monday and as most of you said...the day was totally ignored. Although I cried when I came home from work...I did not acknowledge him at all either. The first piece of mail came from him a few days ago...but all it was...was a copy of a money order for the car payment he said he would pay. Nothing else. No..hope you are okay, how are the kids, nothing. In turn, I have not even emailed him a thank you.

Going back to the quote above....how are our actions being seen or heard if they are not even looking? How is my H going to know if I have been changing if he fails to remember I even exist? It is obvious that I feel like I have to compete with the OW to keep my H...but how will he be able to compare if the OW is all he sees?

[Dawn of Hope]

Wow, Trusting, I had to kind of blink when I read your post about slamming things, because for a while (mostly pre-bomb, but I didn't know about MLC then) my H would periodically comment about me slamming cabinet doors and such when I was doing stuff in the kitchen. Once in a while I did that, but it was much more rare than his comments, and mostly I couldn't figure out what would trigger him saying that! I just thought I was going about my business, putting away dishes, and I wasn't angry at all! And WCW had a similar experience too! <shakes head>

Don't know exactly what to tell you about your dilemma, Trusting, but I would just let him flap in the breeze and think whatever his warped MLC brain tells him to think. Just check and make sure that if viewed objectively, your actions send the message YOU want to send. If he misinterprets them due to his brain being held hostage by the MLC virus, you are not responsible for that.

I think that even if we think they are not looking at what we are doing, GAL, etc. is excellent practice for the time (and it will come sooner or later) when they DO start looking.... Besides, DBing is for the LBS more than it is for the WA, remember. If it results in rejuvenation of the M, that is a bonus, but it is actually for YOU. Make YOURSELF closer to what you want to be, and you will benefit, whether your S wises up and rejoins you or not.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[KarenR]

Hi,
The feelings you are having are natural and the answers are not simple. You are doing some things wonderfully, but you have to be sure that what you do does not push him further away. If you haven't spoken to a DB coach, I highly recommend that you do asap. They will help you really fine tune the techniques you are using and teach you new ones that have been very successful for their clients. I wish you all the best...