the mlc files--I want to believe

[hoosiermama]

~yet another thread~

My last thread hasn't yet locked, but I'm thinking any time now so I'm starting another.

Not much is new. Unfortunately it doesn't take much to throw me in a tailspin. Today it was D12 going to spend the night with H--those are still difficult for me. He's been in touch with family. There's a 50th Anniversary celebration this weekend for his aunt and uncle (I love these guys), he wants to take D. And Thanksgiving plans are getting ironed out; H's out-of-town brother and sil are having the whole family over. H has to work that day, so he won't be going. But the brother's family asked if D could drive over with grandma and grandpa and ride back with the other aunt and uncle so she can be there with the family. Clearly I'm not invited. I didn't have any firm plans, certainly didn't plan to be with them--but it still burns when I find out what's happening. I've been invited, with D, to some friends' house, but I haven't yet confirmed, and I had anticipated just having a quiet holiday with the 2 of us. Now I hate to keep her from a fun time with her cousins. But I don't want to spend this holiday alone---it will be hard enough without that. I don't have to decide yet.

Is there any end to this? Just when I think I've gotten past the worst of it, along comes another sneak attack.

[NNP1965]

(((hoosiermama)))

[BeingMe]

Hi Hmama! Just a thought, but perhaps now is the time when you should set down some ground rules about holidays, even if you don't have anything legally in place with other visitation. How about D12 only go to holidays like Thanksgiving/Christmas/4th July if H will also be there. After all, perhaps she would rather be with you if her dad isn't going to be around? I really think one of her parents should be present at this kind of holiday. Of course, there should be no issue if it's a birthday or anniversary on their side of the family. And, I hope that they won't be so small not to come to a birthday party that you might give for D12.

It's this time in the process that things can be sticky, so it might be a good idea to have the boundaries clear. Make sure they know that you have no issues with D12 spending time with her dad's family, other than these particular times.

Just a thought.

[hoosiermama]

Our school secretary told me this afternoon that she and her husband have split. He's been threatening divorce since March, there's an OW, and she'd just had enough. She has 4 kids--a 1st grader, a kindergartner, and 18 month old twins. Her H is a fairly prominent pastor; the OW was a member of their church. I think I had mentioned this before, but this weekend was the split. Please keep her in your prayers--we all know what the road ahead is like.

[hoosiermama]

Not a bad thought. Just to clarify, no one is pushing anything, it's just an offer at this point. And I did ask for them to keep her connected with their family. It just bites that it has to be them or me on holidays. No, they wouldn't come to a birthday party for her at this point; they won't even return calls or emails from me. A couple of weeks ago was grandparents' day at school--I didn't know whether or not they were coming because they wouldn't contact me. But you're right, this is the time to set those boundaries.

To be really honest, I don't want to go through these holidays alone. I know that's selfish, and I should just want D to have a good holiday because it will be hard for her too.

[BeingMe]

She may also feel guilty leaving you on your own, so it might be a good idea to pre-empt that (she does sound like a sensitive child), and just make it a direct family affair. She may also feel bad not having her mom around on such days.

We were shocked to hear that my b-i-l and his W are also splitting. In fact, his W has already moved out with the children. We are trying very hard to not take sides, and to keep the line of communication open to her and our niece and nephew. We don't know if there is any OW or OM. B-i-l does work long hours as a doc, so he probably doesn't have time. Not our business anyway. He is in shock though.

So many people taking the easy way out, or what they think is the easy way. Anyone who can go off with OW and leave a W with 4 children that includes 18 month old twins should be stripped of any access to a congregation in a leadership role.

Enough wingeing now. Have a good evening.

[hoosiermama]

Yes, that's the thing with D, she's trying to protect us. I don't usually know how she really feels because she doesn't want to burden me. She hasn't said that, of course, but I know that's how she responds. I imagine she's also protecting H, altho there might be more of an "earning his love" aspect there since he's the one who left. That's why I try not to show a lot of sadness unless I absolutely can't help it--and there have been those times. Yeah, I do think it's appropriate to let your kids know you're sad, but there's that fine line I try not to cross that would make her feel she has to take care of me. This is all just so hard.

The thing is, I kinda gave his family a little more credit than this--most of them, anyway. I'm sure they don't know the whole story, and who knows what they've been told, but then they should also know there are two sides to each story and even a brief note to express concern for my well-being and Clare's would have made all the difference in the world to me. At this point, in the very unlikely situation that we ever end up back together, that extended family relationship is ruptured. I'm just so tired of being punished for something that isn't my fault. How much more do I have to lose??

[Andabelle]

I do not think you should have to spend Thanksgiving alone.

[hoosiermama]

OK, here's a new dilemma. H emailed me today that our SIL's father passed away this morning. He has had leukemia for awhile, but last I knew (several months ago) he was stable. H was just letting me know. These are the BIL and SIL who have been less than friendly--the others have simply ignored me. Ordinarily I would go to the wake and/or the funeral. As well as call and offer my condolences. And we'd send flowers as a family. I don't want to do anything that would make them more uncomfortable, but I also don't want to seem unconcerned. So--any suggestions?

H mentioned the potential Thanksgiving plan to D. What a dumb thing to do. Now she feels responsible for making a decision that won't hurt anyone's feelings. I emailed and asked him not to do this in the future, that it needs to be our decision. And we have both agreed she doesn't need to be away from us this Thanksgiving. So I'll have her in the daytime, he'll have her that evening/night.

Had an IC session yesterday late afternoon. She still thinks I'm doing well. Good lord, what does not doing well look like? When do you begin to feel like you're living again and not just surviving? I'm so tired of just feeling like I'm putting one foot in front of the other and dragging myself through life. I no longer have hope for my marriage, but I need to have hope for something. But I can't make any firm plans until I know what my financial situation will look like.

[hoosiermama]

Oh--this is even better. Guess who's doing the funeral for SIL's father? You guessed it--H.

Yeah, they're not taking sides, they're being supportive but not involved in our lives. Except they don't want to hear from me and H is doing a funeral for them.

I'm sorry, I know that's not what all this is about, but puh-leeze. He's torn apart the family but they want him burying their dad.

And I'm just so grateful for the support I get--both from OW and from my BIL and SIL--please don't send emails to our home.

Thanks for letting me vent. I need it!!!