When W was leaving she smile and said "have a good dinner at my Dads house, better you than me". She still lives with this belief that they are judgmental jerks. They can't understand why she has so much anger. I can't either.
She came back a little later to drop off some medicine for D13 who has a sore throat. I asked her if her friend she's living with is making a dinner and she told me that she was over with her daughter at her ex husbands house. How weird.
So I said "So you're home alone" and she says in her pleasant voice that "Yeah, that's ok though I have a lot to do today."
OM's truck is there. I almost said "Yeah, right"
She has no remorse, she isn't in a fog. Maybe financially her life isn't do great and she is working harder than she ever has.
But she doesn't have to 'take care of frank' and she has a man-boy who in all likely hood worships her because he's lucky to have anybody.
This is Thanksgiving 2008. I really don't want to be nice to her. I really don't.
First off, Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Hope you managed rest and the comfort of family and/or friends. I hosted my two boys, just the three of us, and managed to swing a turkey with all the trimmings, including a few pecan and pumpkin pies. It's been a good day, only better if I could have had my wife and children by my side.
On to the reason (besides well wishes) that I am writing to you...
I think the desire to be loving in an unconditional way to your wife is a great goal. For all of us who have suffered great hurt through the betrayal or abandonment of another, finding our way back to the goodness inside of us is an important part of our healing.
But Frank, this takes time. And to be honest, I think you still are in the midst of great sadness and hurt because of your wife's choices. That makes it incredibly difficult for you to be "the good guy" to your wife without coming across as strained.
Do you want your wife to help decorate the house? Of course you do. But you want her to do it as a part of being PART of the family and marriage. And this part she has forsaken.
It's a tightrope, this balance between allowing reality in full bloom to be the order of the day, and showing her some measures of grace in the midst of the crisis.
I guess if we're going to err, we should err on the side of grace, eh Frank? Just keep in mind that YOUR health and well being are considerations here as well. Your situation right now is one of determining what life apart is going to look like. I hope you will not make decisions based upon their potential positive impact on the future between the two of you, but instead on doing what is right and what leads you and your daughters to a more stable and emotionally healthy life together.
You have picked up so many of the pieces and seem to grow stronger by the day. I will just tell you that the absolute best thing for me in my situation was that my ex chose to leave me alone. She did NOT attempt to continue living her life in our home. She did NOT involve herself in the daily situations of life here with my son and I. It was ultimately that space and the opportunity to breathe it brought that set my feet on solid ground and helped me to realize that "I will be fine" was not just words but a soon coming reality.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I think the desire to be loving in an unconditional way to your wife is a great goal. For all of us who have suffered great hurt through the betrayal or abandonment of another, finding our way back to the goodness inside of us is an important part of our healing.
But Frank, this takes time. And to be honest, I think you still are in the midst of great sadness and hurt because of your wife's choices. That makes it incredibly difficult for you to be "the good guy" to your wife without coming across as strained.
Yes, after a lot of thinking about it I realize that I do need to distance myself for now. I can be friendly, but being any more than that is toxic to my attitude.
Quote:
Do you want your wife to help decorate the house? Of course you do. But you want her to do it as a part of being PART of the family and marriage. And this part she has forsaken.
agreed. I talked to her stepmom who said 'Absolutely not, she gave up those privileges when she left the house'. What was more annoying to me was that W ASSUMED she could just do this.
So, I am planning to decorate the house with the Girls on Sunday night. My house.
Quote:
I guess if we're going to err, we should err on the side of grace, eh Frank? Just keep in mind that YOUR health and well being are considerations here as well. Your situation right now is one of determining what life apart is going to look like. I hope you will not make decisions based upon their potential positive impact on the future between the two of you, but instead on doing what is right and what leads you and your daughters to a more stable and emotionally healthy life together.
I came to the same conclusion today. I need to 'act as if'. Which means 'act as if she is getting the divorce she says she needs'. The thing is that I feel bad that she doesn't have her own place to 'decorate'. But the reason for that is because she had 3 affairs in the past 3 years, she forced me to make her leave the house, and she did nothing from January till now to improve her financials after she said 'I have to be divorced'.
As D17 said the other day "Mom, you don't live here any more so when you are here you're a guest so act like one".
My problem has been that I don't push her enough. I let her do 'things' when she is here that she would normally do.
That has to end. She assumes she can do whatever she wants on the days she is here at the house with the girls.
As I said, the girls and I went to her Dads and Stepmoms for dinner. They have 3 kids that are similar in age to my daughters so it's an interesting dynamic.
In the past, W would say "Groan, I wish we didn't have to go and put up with them. They judge me, they are arrogant, etc, etc, etc."
We'd go, and W would drink wine and be weird and uncomfortable. I'd feel like I'm on the spot with these 'jerks' even though my interactions with them were nothing like the picture she would paint. The kids would be on the 'negativity bandwagon' and when we left we'd find stuff to trash talk about them.
Tonight we had a very pleasant night, no tension really and all that was 'negative' was that I felt kind of sad all night.
After we left, D17 said she had a very pleasant visit and had connected with her 'aunt' who is 9 months younger than her. D13 spent some time hanging with their S11 and playing Warcraft.
But what was more interesting was that I didn't feel uncomfortable, like the didn't like me / us.
Why?
Because there was no pre-game talk about 'oh god we have to go over to my Dads again'. There was no 'post game talk about 'how much it sucked and I'm sorry you had to go through this'
There was just acceptance and friendliness.
I called W's stepmom after we got home and let her know that the girls both enjoyed the time there. Stepmom was very thankful for me telling her this, and went on to say how her D17 and my D18 spent a lot of time talking and hanging out which they have never done before.
She also went on to tell me that W has been calling her dad often in the past couple weeks, trying to reconnect with him. Says that W is not happy with her life.
__________ fulfills her needs that OM doesn't fulfill. So she gets what SHE needs from both of them while neither get their needs met.
__________, let her go. Drop the rope. She "ain't" your baby. She's nobodys baby really.
This dance keeps you in limbo. Tip the scales and change the dynamic. As long as you want her back, and she KNOWS it, she gets what she wants from you and also from OM.
On Friday W came to pick up the girls to go to Grandmas house for the weekend. She was very cheerful and pleasant. I gave her the key to the Prius, as I was letting her take it to save gas money. She said she didn't need it because D17 had hers and I said I'd prefer there be two keys when they are so far away.
She also came into my office and in a timid way handed me one of the Credit card bills in her name that I had told her I wanted to pay down because we used it to survive during the bad financial times. She said "You said you wanted to pay this down so I brought it over. But it has to be mailed today or it will be late". I just smiled and said thanks, I'll take care of it.
What a change from "You don't have to pay those bills, I'm half responsible".
They all said their goodbyes to me and left. About 5 minutes later W calls my cell to tell me something (don't remember what) then goes on to thank me for letting her take the Prius, that she'll save a lot of money. I just said that she was welcome, and I just see it to be a waste not to use it on a family trip.
She thanked me again and I said "you're welcome" and then bye.
It's almost like she can't thank me in person for things, so she calls me on the phone.
I called Grandma to let her know they are on the way and she started asking me how I'm doing, what's really going on. She says she doesn't really talk to W and only heard that W was unhappy and wanted to be happy. She thought that was foolish, you don't leave your family to 'be happy', she said. You stay with your family and do what you can to make life happy for all of them.
She knew about my problems and said to me that "You don't run away from your husband when he's in such a mess, you get him help or at least be firm with him so he'll take action."
She is angry at W for having affairs because she's not divorced. She knows I've been trying and she also knows that W is high maintenance because of her emotional issues. She's also angry at W for hurting her kids.
She's a wise woman, when I told her about OM she said "Well, he seems to be just as unhealthy as W is". What was sad was that she said "You'll probably be better off without her but she won't be better off without you".
She said "I wish there was something I could say to her to get her to straighten up but there isn't". I agreed, there isn't.
So, another family member who looks at the situation, hears both sides, and still thinks W is in the wrong.
I guess all that mattered to me was that I'm still loved by the people I thought would also abandon me. So, even if I don't have W, I still have family.
On another note, W called me this morning to ask me to make an appointment for D13 for an eye exam. She could have done it herself, or waited till tomorrow.
My mother in law told me the same thing as your wife's grandma told you.My mother in law is very disappointed in her daughter.You are right , they need to go through this on their own.But we need to show them alot of love and compassion.I know in our case, my wife is in alot more pain than I am. hang tough, pray continously.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Yeah, it's great that they are all 'disappointed'. It doesn't change the situation though. And in the end we're the ones who bear the burden of the pain. All the WAS has to do is compartmentalize their life.
So they can be 'happy'. Because they deserve to be happy and well, we don't. Or at least they shouldn't have to do anything for us or the kids. Just for themselves.
Even though I understand the selfishness and sickness it doesn't make it any better.
She dropped off the kids and gave me my Prius key. Thanked me for letting her use it and left fairly quickly.
Anyway, this is the last time I'll down cycle. I'm done and I'm turning my back on her. Not with anger, just indifference. Good luck to her and her life.
Yeah, it's great that they are all 'disappointed'. It doesn't change the situation though. And in the end we're the ones who bear the burden of the pain. LBSs are NOT the only ones that bear the burden of the pain. This thing has tentacles that reach out and harm multiple members of both sides of a family. So don't be so arrogant as to think you are an island, Frank. The reverberations reach both far and wide. Sure you are the one that feels the pain the worst but you are not the only one. All the WAS has to do is compartmentalize their life "ALL"???? Well for one, compartmentalization is not a friggin choice. It's another symptom and quite possibly a psychological necessity at certain points in a WASs journey so don't knock, or mock, an aspect that isn't fully understood. .
So they can be 'happy'. Because they deserve to be happy and well, we don't This sounds like you're saying she should have stayed to make you happy and just allowed herself to remain miserable. NEWSFLASH Frank, you WEREN'T HAPPY with her there and you're not happy with her gone. Hopefully you will find happiness in yourself now though, as it should be. . Or at least they shouldn't have to do anything for us or the kids She is TRYING to "do" for the kids, in the only way she knows how so stop being so damn condescending. . Just for themselves Right - and she gets all the bells and whistles that go along with "doing" for herself, too. She gets the guilt, the ostracization of her family members as well as the emotional baggage that comes with having left her children and add to that the financial burdens and the fact she doesn't even have a place to call her own. Her life is a picnic, MY ASS! SO WHAT if she got all that by choice? YOU DON'T KNOW what can be born out of this experience so you really need to stop acting like you have a crystal ball. Just tend to yourself and you might find you'll quit getting so pissy when she obviously doesn't uphold some secret expectation you've had because you were nice again. And that IS why you get pissy, Frank. You clearly still have some kind of expectation in your heart each time you interact and/or do something nice for her. Like you expect she will jump up and throw her arms around your neck and declare undying love and devotion. Stop it. She's out there growing up. Let her. It doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate the kindness you show her. It just means SHE AIN'T DONE. .
Even though I understand the selfishness and sickness it doesn't make it any better Selfishness I'll buy but a woman is not automatically "sick" just because she wants out of her marriage. We've previously defined your wife as having a life CRISIS. With her upbringing, etc...that's believable. But it doesn't make her sick. It makes her confused & immature but not necessarily "sick". .
She dropped off the kids and gave me my Prius key. Thanked me for letting her use it and left fairly quickly.
Anyway, this is the last time I'll down cycle. I'm done and I'm turning my back on her. Not with anger, just indifference. Bullcrap. You're nowhere near "indifference". Good luck to her and her life. You need to not try to stifle your anger anymore because it's leaking. Talk with your counselor about this, Frank. You don't have to be all calm, cool, rational, understanding and gracious all the time. In fact, we ALL know that you are not. So deal with the anger. Otherwise you are going to have serious issues later.
