As my title stated..letting go ..one day at a time.
That is how I feel. I need to take this day by day.
PDT.. to answer your question..Yes..I have taken ownership several times... I guess I still carry alot of guilt and remorse for my part in this. Yes he has recently.. but has moved on.
I know he is to blame for his affair.. I am very feeling oriented and I am not going to throw blame every time we talk..
It doesnt matter anyway.. "its over" according to him.
I can make it thru today... I will try not to cry..
I did go buy new jeans yesterday...(two sizes smaller) gonna strut my stuff today
PDT.. to answer your question..Yes..I have taken ownership several times... Sandy
Then commit to yourself, right now, that you're not going to bring this up again. It's not attractive to him, and it's not working. You said you did it because you wanted him to know, but yet you just admitted you've already told him, many times.
You don't have to apologize to ME -- you're the one who's struggling. We're just trying to help you be more effective. There are those newcomers here who are just experiencing the horrible pain of infidelity for the first time, and know nothing of DB principles nor have they posted much, if at all, yet. Sadly, your husband's done this to you several times before, you've read the book(s) (I believe?), and have posted on here frequently, and gotten much excellent advice (my ramblings notwithstanding ).
I just don't think, for the sake of your OWN emotional health, you can keep pleading ignorance on this stuff, and doing what you KNOW you're not supposed to do, like send a text like that. It's killing the good work you HAVE done.
Put more simply, you are not in a position to let your emotions rule your decision-making any longer.
Yes..I am the one struggling and it us extremely hard to let go. Prior to the affair and March 19th when my husband left, he was a very loyal and faithful person...for 18 years.
Just to clairfy..he has been back and forth with his feelings for 7 months. It is one ongoing affair...he has not cheated on me several times.
Yes I have read the book..more times than I can count. Just because you read something..doesnt necessarily mean it is easy to do..yes..I have failed...at DB and at marriage.
You only fail when you quit. 'Though a righteous man falls seven times, the Lord will lift him up'. OT
I personally don't know if I could do any better than you in your sitch. 18 yrs and an affair are major things to deal with.
I have only been married 7 yrs, and W has not had an affair...yet.
From all I have read in following your sitch, I think you are on the cusp of a breakthrough.
For me, detachment was easier when I put some of the blame for the sitch on W. I have made my apologies and amends for a number of things, but recognize she has responsiblity for the difficulties in our M as well.
Some of the anger and blame directed at the OW and yourself should be directed at your H.
The goal of detachment for me was to attain a place of strength from which to approach W, not of lacking or neediness, which she would not respect.
After going dark for 3 weeks I am beginning to see some change in W. I have an active thread in Seperated.
Hooray for going out and getting some new jeans ! Take time to make yourself attractive, and start feeling good about you.
Tell yourself, ' I am going to make it....life is good and I am going to have a great life'
Acknowlege your faults, but don't dwell on them. Focus on what is good about Sandy.
Put on some upbeat music and do not allow yourself to spent one more moment in self pity......Promise ?
Last edited by native; 11/01/0803:33 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Even though I get all sappy and emotional and vent on here, I feel I am doing well under the circumstances.
My days are up and down..just depends. Today was not so good. Simmple holidays like Holloween are hard. We have a 3 y/o son..this was his first major trick or treat, where he went house to house and had fun...
I was smiling and had to hold back tears at the same time. It just did not feel right to not have my other half experiencing this day with me.
I just hate this, its not what I chose for my life. I am a dominant in control person and this is an area that I have lost control over...completely. ... and I can seem to get the emotions under control.
I know it's hard. If I get too intense, it is out of the best of intentions.
You know, that control issue, it is a struggle. I think it has taken me about 6 mos. to mostly let go of my W. My Father in Law told me early on that I would just have to basically do the best I could and take care of myself.
Of course, this advice was really hard to hear at the time, and it was given with the presumption that things were already over, before I had even begun to DB. so it wasn't appreciated by me.
But as a DB strategy, it is really important.
I like to think of letting go as releasing the situation and the outcome into God's hands. If I have done all the things I know to do (apologise, validate, etc) and there is nothing left, it is a wonderful thing to let go and let God.
His shoulders are bigger than mine, and only He can really change my spouse. I just have to kind of get out of the way.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
