Locked my old thread. This one will be filled with more positives than negatives! Thanks again to those who have been helping me along the way. Couldn't have made the progress & insights I have undergone without your help!
W drove me & kids to pick out new costumes. Took family out to dinner. Small chit chat with w. Doing my best to make eye contact, validate her feelings if she brings up something, shared funny things kids had done. Light & simple. W got a phone call during dinner - custom ring tone. Went outside to make a call. Came in with story about her mom needing a ride. I realize she is probably lying but just shrug it off & go on with eating. She continues to lie about OM to me but I am no longer paying any credence to it - figure it is her way of trying to cope with the situation.
Dropped me & kids off. On her way out I asked if she was still interested in going to my IC session as she has expressed interest a few weeks ago. She said she was. I said that I realize next week she will probably be working & with no idea what her schedule will be she may want to come on Wed. She said she would think about it & get back to me. Standard reply which I have come to understand means no. I only bring things up once & then let her follow up if she wants to - not going to pressure her to do anything.
W showed up 30 mins late to pick up kids this morning. Didn't say a word to her about being late. Kids ran out to her car, she loaded them up. D2 was crying & she asked why. Explained she didn't want to get out of bed & didn't participate in getting dressed - chuckled a bit with her over that. Said I would be home at 6:30 if she would bring kids by then so I could visit for a couple hours. I have to get up at 4am to catch a flight so w is going to keep kids overnight tonight. She said she would talk to me before then. Not expecting any communication from her. Just smiled & drove away.
Sitch is much easier to deal with when you drop your expectations & just be yourself. You need to go through the period of self-reflection to figure out what you did to contribute to the issues in the m & then commit to make changes. Once you figure out that those changes have to be made without expectations attached, life gets easier to deal with. Best advice I can give out to all the newbies here :-)
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Hi K....you really ARE a new person since you began this journey....sounds like you are doing very well.
I hate to say this because it still hurts me, but I have also changed drastically as a person since my divorce...and I wish my ex-h could know the "new me". Not because I want a R with him at all...we have both moved on...but more because, the person I was when I was with him was damaged and therefore, she was damaging to him and to our marriage. But the person I am now, is so much lighter, sweeter, nicer, forgiving, understanding....and I just wish he could know "me" as I am now. I feel like he was robbed of ever knowing his wife....because who I was back then is not the real me.
However...to look at it in a positive light....it took my divorce to get me to the place I am now and I would not be this better person if I had not gone through with the D. So for this reason, my own D was a necessary evil.....it caused growth I could not have attained in any other way.
I just had to jump into this thread as soon as I saw the title and read the references to the "new me" in you two. I picked that name when I joined the board, not wanting to be labeled with pain or despair, but with hope and positiveness. W and I went through MC for a year off and on, before the bomb. I, like most, was devastated by the bomb. I then found this board, booked a DB coach, and then started some 180s and GALing.
I have my bad days too, and there's always a chance of the other shoe dropping (W is still here), but I still hold out hope. Similar to what DQ said, I am grateful for my spouse's wake-up call - for it has changed me in many ways and will make a better and more aware life for me going forward.
Here's to you two, me and all the other New Me's out there. It ain't easy, or pain-free, but there can be some positive outcomes from all the chaos we are going through together.
Before w went on her trip I rarely heard from her during the day. Can't recall last time she had kids call me at work to say hi.
Today at 10 I get a call from S4 saying hi. He was trying out w new blue tooth. Chatted for couple mins, then D2 gets on to talk as well. She hangs up phone. Oh well, go on with my day - no calling back.
3:00 - Another call from w. Kids went to park & went through sprinklers - got wet. Need to get another set of clothes from house & asking if that is ok. Told her ok with me - this is the reason I gave you back the key to the house. W then asks if she can have 1 bathing suit for each kid - no problem, take a towel for each as well. D2 was sleeping & S4 wanted something to eat. I tell her have string cheese in fridge & granola bars if he wants one - feel free.
W then asks what I wanted her to do with kids tomorrow night. Did I expect her to bring kids back at night & put them to bed? I said no, you can do whatever you wanted. If you want to keep them at house for part of the day that would be fine - your decision what you want to do. She said it was hard to have kids over her cousins since her cousin's kids have homework & have to get up for school. Told her I understood. Asked if she was going to sleep with kids at her gm tonight then - she said yes. Told her I would be home after IC & had to stop to get gas on way home so should be there at 6:30. She tells me she went by Sam's Club & price dropped to $3.79. Thank her for the info, said I had to get back to work & bye.
2 mins later phone call from w - she says she doesn't know how to put this but the big picture frame for D2 she had removed from hanging over her bed due to it not being stable. I said you mean if there was an earthquake it would fall off the wall & crush her? I hung it up so kids wouldn't damage it & was planning on securing it better. Thanks for reminding me about that. She then says that S4 shirt & shorts are in D2's dresser. Can hear her opening & closing drawers. Then D9's capri pants are in S4's dresser. I say I am doing my best. She says she knows. I laugh & say anytime you want to fix my mistakes be my guest. Get a laugh out of her as well. Cya tonight at 6:30 - back to work & bye.
Didn't mention coming to IC since I already knew that wasn't going to happen. W actually criticized me about picture & clothes & never did I feel any anger for it! That is a major improvement in my mental well being. In the past I would felt I had to defend myself for making a mistake - now I am just laughing at it since it really isn't a major deal.
I still can see my w was hesitant to point out the picture thing figuring she was going to get the same old response. But more actions like today will hopefully start to erode those old expectations of hers.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
I have taken this entire situation and done my best to look at it as an opportunity to grow as a person. The anger issue has subsided because I realized how much pressure I was putting upon myself – setting unattainable goals & then beating myself up for not realizing them. Harping on myself about mistakes in the past, worrying so much about the future that I was never living for today. I have had an epiphany about what is important in my life, how I measure success. It’s all about my kids. Providing them the tools they will need to succeed in life – how to resolve conflict without resorting to anger, how to be a good listener, what is really important in life. They are the most important thing I have.
K,
I just read your sitch (first post) and just wanted to address that one since we seem to be in a similar sitch. My W also nover told me how unhappy she was and now is a post-bomb, live-in WAW. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be separated from your kids. I, too, think that my kids are everything to me - I've always known it.
Without reading your entire first thread, I would first say how great your immediate changes seemed to be - from your behavior to your changed responses and internal expectations. I can't address the OM sitch or how that may last or wear off, but others have alluded to that as a fantasy state.
I think all we can do at times is become the most amazing person we can, be supportive and praising, and hope that our WAWs will see the huge value of keeping a family together and giving their Hs another chance. I have done many similar changes and now I try to exercise ultimate patience while GALing for MYSELF and praying hard.
Read your post on one of my threads. Don't worry about the title of this thread - containing "New Me". I wouldn't want you to change it. Actually I'm glad it caught my eye, as it seems like our mindsets are very similar. Even though, I'm sure we're both experiencing a lot of pain, we can see some profoundness in the situation - an opportunity for great growth - into a new person. It's a HUGE point. It's a game-changer. When I think back to the fear, depression and anxiety I felt when the bomb first dropped, it was not good.
Don't get me wrong, I do not want my M to end, imagine my W with anyone else or share my kids. But we all have a choice on what this chapter of our lives can contain. Will it be a tragic chapter or one ending with hope - with more chapters to come? And a happy ending? I think yes for both of us.
Nothing to report but positive interactions & some curious behavior by my w.
Wed night - had great IC session - C feels I am making great strides in therapy; feeling really good about how life is going for me right now. w brings kids over for 1.5 hr visit. Wasn't expecting her to stay but she did. Played card games with S4 & D2. Then I let kids pig pile on me. W takes opportunity to get a washcloth & starts wiping down tables in living room. She's cleaning the house?!? Just said thanks for doing that while playing.
W asks if I want her to just bring kids by Thur night at bedtime or what was my expectation. Just said she could do as she pleased - stay all day at house or whatever she wanted - her choice. I just wanted to see kids when I got home - expected at 9pm. W informs me that her Orientation for her new job at Victoria Secret is next Thurs. She says she knows that isn't going to help make her car payment. I tell her that hopefully she will do well with the garage sale to help make money she needs. She expresses doubt she will make that much money.
Thur - Forget to tell D9 mother I can't bring her to school. Up at 4am, drive to airport, send D9 mom txt about school. Have txt in my inbox from w at 11:30pm previous night "Have a safe flight/trip" Didn't reply. Able to catch early flight home. Stop by store to buy dinner & a pumpkin to carve with kids. Home at 6pm - didn't call ahead. W at house with kids. Offer w some chicken. Eat together - kids were eating ice cream. Little chit chat about kids. W complaining about stomach issues due to taking aspirin every night to sleep - having back & head aches. W wanted to leave to catch up on sleep. Had kids pick out a design for pumpkin. Kewl bat! Roasted the seeds - had nice time the 3 of us. W calls 1 hr after leaving to see if we are all ok ?!?!? She is the one who left sick. Tell her hope she is feeling better & see her in the am.
Fri - w calls saying on the way 3 minutes away. Dogsitting for friend & their great dane took off down the street when she opened the door. I laughed & asked how in the world she was able to get the dog back in the house. She said she had to drive her car down the road & then the dog would follow her back to the house. House has a doggie door but this one won't use it.
W comes in & shares story from cousin's house about carving their pumpkin & the entire carving broke off & had to piece it back together with skewers. D9 showed up to bring her to school. Showed D9 our bat pumpkin - w tagged along to see. W adds that if you put vaseline on edges pumpkin will last longer. Tell her thanks for the info & I will have to do that. As I walk past her to leave rubbed my hand on her shoulder & said cya tonight while smiling.
W then asks if I can get $20 in ones for her for tomorrow's garage sale & she will give me back the money later. Tell her no problem. I ask if there is anything else I can do. She asks if I was still planning on going the Air Show at 10am. Tell her it is at local airport & show starts at 9. She says she just doesn't want to be alone doing the garage sale [2 days ago she said she had no problem doing it alone] Tell her I'm glad to help her out while we are here.
All in all each exchange is very positive from me. Making eye contact, validating when I can, staying upbeat, smiling. Feeling so much better about myself that it is making the DBing efforts feel more natural.
Letting her struggle with what she is doing, thinking, feeling. No rescuing. No expectations. Just being myself & really being happy.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
It may take a year or more...but I still have a feeling that you and Mrs. K might end up happy together.
Even if not, YOU will be happy....I know things are still touch and go, you still have a lot of therapy to complete, you will still have to live through the lonliness and sadness and your sadness for the kids......BUT...
Ok, w odd behavior continues. Maybe one of the WAW can give me some insight as to why my w is cleaning my house! Came home from work & all laundry done in house. W says she cleaned kids bathroom & my toilet. Jokes that she did laundry but not folding it - that's for me. I take all washed clothes & put them away. Have not in any way asked her for any help so why is she doing this stuff? Guilt? I don't mind & would like to ask her but I won't since I do not feel like throwing up a stop sign over what so far has been a peaceful week.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
We were waiting for sun to go down. I was eating dinner, kids playing in living room with w. Get summoned by w. Arrive & am told that neither kids are listening to her. S4 keeps telling her no. w says next time she is going to smack him in mouth if he keeps saying no to her. I sit across from her, tell her I understand how frustrating the kids can be at times, but ask her if she really thought that next time S4 said no that hitting him would help the situation at all. Get blank look back from her & says no.
Before we leave I ask w if she knows where the camera is. D2 had been taking pics with it. W replies "I don't know, you are the one who owns all the cameras" as she walks out door to garage. I get a bit irritated at her comment but take a few mins to gather myself & let it slide.
Deal with camera is I bought a new kodak camera with a print dock. We owned an older model from 4 yrs back that has suited our needs. I was contemplating upgrading & giving w the old camera & old dock. Had old box from old camera - inside it was a birthday card from me to w. So that camera was really hers since it was a gift. Decided to give it back to her, just wanted to find right time to.
Took old card out & gave it to w to read. Her comment - it's not my birthday. I laugh - that is from 4 yrs ago. The old camera is yours - it was a gift from me & I want you to have it now. I bought my own. She is a bit confused but says thanks.
Been to chiropractor twice in 3 days due to neck & back misalignment. Haven't slept much past 2 days & dealing with some muscle soreness. Walking around with D2 pulling one arm started really to bother me so I told w I was going home & she could walk finish walking with kids around neighborhood. W says that she didn't want to do it alone & wanted me to come. Also felt kids would miss me as well. I smiled back at her, realized I could deal with the pain for a while more & kept on going.
On way back to house I thank her again for doing laundry & cleaning. W says that she would have mopped floors but kids were not listening to her. Says next year we should take kids to the mall. I laugh & say maybe we find a community party. [Really laughed since she isn't supposed to be around next Halloween]
Get back to house & w saying her goodbyes to kids. Starts asking why kids do not sleep in anymore. Says when she was young if she was allowed she would sleep till noon. Her cousins kids sleep in room next to her, wake up at 5 am, turn on TV & kick entertainment center which hits wall adjoining room W sleeps in. I tell her I can see how frustrating that can be to deal with. W is going to sleep at house where she is dogsitting & come back in am for community garage sale.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
