Married 25 years,seperated last Sept.,wife filed for D in Nov.,she put D on hold and asked me to come back home in March,I have been home since March and there has been signs of healing,we get along great as friends and parents we sleep together in the same bed every night,but we do not touch or talk about the R. She has said in the past that she doesn't have those kind of feelings for me and doesn't know if she will ever get them back,she has said if I'm not ok with the marriage the way it is that she can finilize the D. I of couse do not want a D and never did,I don't think she really does either or she she would have gone through with it before. There has never been any cheating or abuse,I had issues with being jealous and controlling and made her feeled smothered. I have done allot of work on myself through prayer and reading and am not the same insecure man that I was,and I know she has seen the change but she still holds back and doesn't fully commit to me and our marriage. It's a weird thing because we get along very well and she is kind to me but more as a friend and not a wife and lover,like she does wear a ring but it's one her grandmother left her and not our wedding ring,it's like it shows the world that she's married but still it's not the our ring. I'm not sure what to do,I am crazy about her and I miss my lover. I am being very patient and showing her love and understanding,she knows how I feel,I don't push R talks because I don't want to push her away. I have put this marriage in God's hands and believe that he has a plan for us,we are both christians and go to church together every Sunday,I know she prays and believe she does want a loving happy whole marriage but I'm not sure what is going on in her that is keeping that from happening.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
I would appreciate any advice from anyone that has been through something simillar. From a once good marriage to the doorstep of divorce and now back together but living more like room mates than husband and wife. How do we get past this to a whole and loving marriage that we can both be happy in?
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
HH, I don't have any parallel experience, BUT, from my seat, you are in a pretty good position.
You are in the prototypical Divorce-Busting position. You are in the same house, in the same bed even! And so all of the DBing techniques and approaches are available to you. She is going to see when you do 180's. She is going to notice when you change your clothes, change your hair (If you are balding, get out of denial and just shave your head already...), start going out more or less, get new friends, get a new hobby, change your habits of reaction and interaction, and on and on and on. She is going to notice if you call more, or if you call less. She will notice if you bring flowers or start doing more work around the house. Or less. She will notice if you make changes.
She is sitting there saying to you: Attract me! Fulfill my dreams! I'll wait! And all you have to do is figure out what she likes and you're IN.
Did you read the DB book? If you read it a long time ago, read it again. Did you read the Five Love Languages book? IF you haven't, by all means read it now. If you have, read it again.
ok now tell us the 180's you've done. List out the changes you've made in yourself, and WHEN, and HOW, and if they stuck.
Secondly list out every complaint she's made about you, that you can remember, and then your honest assessment of whether her complaint is valid or not. Then if it is valid, what have you done specifically to address that complaint? Be specific.
Last, tell me all the stuff you don't like about yourself, stuff you have sort of looked at for a long time as character flaws. Be honest. Too short tempered? Too passive? Whiny? Too emotionally detached? Not decisive enough? Not punctual? Not adventurous enough? Messy? Not creative? This is not stuff she complains about, necessarily. It is stuff you know could use improvement but you have always put it off, always thought "whatever". OR it is stuff you always wanted to do, but never got off yer arse to do it. Or you're afraid. Ok, now pick three of those things and FIX THEM. Improve. Take an organization class. If you are too tense, take a meditation course. If you are out of shape join a gym. If you are shy, go to improv night and read your own poetry on stage. If you want to learn a new language or learn to play an instrument, sign up for a class. Get your Scuba certification. If you always wanted to climb a mountain, start planning the trip now. etc etc.
Last thing: who are your male friends? What are they like? How many do you have? Are they strong? Intelligent? Successful? Inspiring? Great. If they are not... then you need some new friends. Surround yourself with successful men. You need to build a community around yourself that supports your success. The people in this community could be a pastor, a business colleague, an old high-school chum, a neighbor, the men's group at church, the fathers of your kids' friends, whatever. The point is you need to have male friends who are strong and successful and who can mentor you and support you. And check out bettermen.org to get an idea of what I am talking about.
That's just getting started.
In the DB book, it recommends listing your goals, and then breaking those goals down into bite-size pieces. Your big goal is you want a loving marriage again. But that's too big for all at once. you need a series of smaller step-stone goals. What's the first one? example: I want her to touch me in bed three times in one week. Example: I want her to accept a backrub when I offer. Example: I want to go out to dinner with her twice a month.
Ok those are examples. You should identify your starting points, your first steps, and then write them down. Then you can get busy working on those specific small positive steps. Keep a journal - what happened day by day. What did you do, what was your mood, what did you see from her, what was going on with her (busy at work, ill, backache, bored, energetic, etc). be attentive and thoughtful as you keep the journal and you will see that you are automatically paying more attention to her, and not in a smothering way. If your goal is to take her out to dinner, and she's been unwilling or uninterested, then one small step is for you to go out to dinner by yourself and atart researching new restaurants. Find something that captures the imagination. a new chef, a new style of cooking, a gorgeous view, fantastic service, whatever it is. Something unique. No TGI Fridays.!!! And after you do this a couple times, she is going to poke her head up and go "whatcha doin?" and she'll want to come along.
Speaking of which - some say the secret to re-creating the passion is to do new things together. When you were first together, everything you did together was NEW, and this fueled your good feelings for each other. So if you can find new things - that is excellent, much better than the SAME OLD things. New restaurants, or better, if you always go out to restaurants, do something totally different: hire a chef to come into your home to cook. or cook yourself. (learn to cook - could be a good 180). If you are always eating at home, then start going out, make it a quest to dine at all the nice restaurants on your side of town. or to try a new restaurant every week. or start playing tennis together. Or ... there are a million options.
Man, I hate to say this, because I know you are suffering for the loss of your lover, but... I would love to be in your shoes. You have all the opportunity in the world.
Oh - another good book to read (beyond DB and 5LL) is "Passionate Marriage" by a guy named Schnarch. It has the most unnecessarily obtuse prose I have ever seen in a book, but the principles are good.
I found this site and read DR while we were seperated.We found out through some therapy and reading that our relationship had been controlled by fears for a long time. I had a fear of abandiment and she had a fear of engulfment.I wanted to be with her all the time and when she would go out with girlfriends or anything like that.I would get anxios and worry about where she was and what she was doing and then question her about everything when she got home,the more I pursued the more she felt somthered and pulled away. It was a crazy dance that neither of us knew was even going on and it finally lead to sepertaion and her filing for D. That's when I woke up and realized that I had some issues and was about to lose the most important person in my life. Started reading and praying and doing some things on my own,joined a mens group at church and at the same time I made myself quit checking up on her and worrying about what she was doing all the time. It was hard for me,on night I was with mt 18 yr old daughter and my wife didn't make it back homw by the time she had thought she would,so I started into my old habits of where is hse ,why isn;t she home yet,what could she be doing,and my daughter just said Dad would just relax,Mom is not doing anything wrong,she never does anything wrong. I was like wow she is absolutely right,I drive me and ny wife crazy worrying about what ifs and worse case stuff,for no reason.
I still fight those thoughts at timea but have learned to reconize them before I let them get going,I have learned to reax and understand that have nothing to fear,my wife is a good lady with a good heart and has always been faithful,she doesn't even flirt. Even while we were seperated,neither of us dated anyone.
It is a long process of healing and growing and learning how to embrace the changes and not fear them.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
