Brief overview. W has had multiple A's since 2006. Rehab for alcoholism. History of lying. Said she wanted a D in Sept. Started to separate then came back. She confused; but has been actively pursuing my replacement. Yesterday this happened.
First thing when I got home; I noticed that the kitchen was clean and laundry was being done. So I made a comment that the place smelled clean. She was being short and I could tell that something was up.
So the W probed me today to see if I was keeping a journal. I can only guess that she was coached by someone; maybe her mother. So I fessed up and told her that I was keeping a journal. She said that she didn't understand why; because she wasn't going to ask me for child support. I simply stated that I would hope not since you only asked for them every other weekend. So she then said that my A will subpoena your journal and she's not happy about you keeping one. I said it will be available if need be. At that point I realized that she's changing her desires for custody. I asked her what she thought would be a good arrangement. She said that she would have them three days and I would have them three days and we would alternate the other days. I asked her where are you going to live? She said with my grandparents. I didn't say anything further about that.
She asked my why I was keeping the journal; she figures it's to prove that she's an unfit mother. I told her that when she came to me and told me that she had seen an attorney and was wanting a D; that I consulted with an attorney and was advised to keep the journal. I told her that there's not only negative stuff in there; but positive stuff as well. I'm writing down everything that happens; everything.
So I left her at that point. Within 10 min. she's acting normal and brings up something the dogs killed earlier this afternoon. Then she talks a little about her wound and how they were accommodating her at work. That she's running the risk of getting fired. Later she told me that she wasn't mad anymore.
A few minutes later, I told her that I really didn't want to talk about us right now but I wanted her to know that I haven't given up on this marriage. She said that she didn't know what she wanted to do. I told her that's fine; I'm leaving it at that. Then she left. I can see from the phone that she contacted two L's this afternoon. I asked her if she was planning on filing, she said that she didn't know.
So now I think she has a glimpse of what may be coming down the pike; that this is serious business. I think that is where all the cleaning stemmed from; all of a sudden it's real and now I've got to step up and do the right thing.
So I think the next phase begins tonight. I somewhat suspect that she's really seeing a L tonight and not going to work. I say that because of the lengthy story she told about what she was doing tonight at work. But I could be wrong, she'll have plenty of time to see one during the day tomorrow.
She didn't come home at all last night. So I don't know if she's really worried about the journal or not.
Her lawyer will probably advise something like....put off the divorce for 4-6 months...then be mother of the year and document it. Then hit your husband for full custody and child support. Watch out!!! You have her right now...but if she pulls that stuff then yoour journal won't mean much if she has corrected herself and then files!!!
Even if she did make an attempt at it; I don't think she has the stamina to make herself live a "mother of the year" lifestyle for 4-6 months. She might make it a few weeks; but when she has to give up her single friends and her single lifestyle it's going to cause some serious problems within herself.
I could be wrong; but based on her history and how she's been living, it would be tough.
Having said that, the very thought of that type of manipulation has certainly entered my mind before and that is why I asked the question to my L. I feeling, more and more, that I need to file first and soon.
Look at what happened to me sat nite....my W has been a manipulator for years according to some of her family. Be very leary of all her actions from now on. On a positive note.....maybe her "playing" house with you will help her see what she will be missing. I went thru a similar spell over the summer....my W actually said the words "I am not supposed to like you". Remember the effects of an A and the state of mind they are in. IF she breaks all contact she will lose the HIGH and may come around. Did I just contradict myself there??!!
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
Right now, I don't think she is in an active A. But I know that she desires to be involved with someone to mask the pain that she's in. Seriously, I think she's had second or third thoughts about moving out from the house and only seeing the kids every other weekend. In the height of her running around, I don't think she cared. It seems like since her on-line dating profile got yanked; she's slowed a bit. I don't see too much evidence of her fooling around. She's been at the house more since the profile was yanked; however, Wed. night's and weekends; watch out.
I don't know if she's willing to give all of that up. She might, but I doubt it.
wow what a convo!! I think you handled it very well. I am sure your mind is going in so many diff directions right now. keep journaling, and HIDE it, dont let her find it!!! Hugs!!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Yes, I am in my head heavily today. Mostly, I keep going over and over, what is the right thing to do at this moment. I think that I must have patience and wait out a day or two to see how the environment at home looks like. But then I feel like if I don't strike now; I could have less of a case if she straightens up just for the kids.
I, still, would love for my M to work out. I want to keep applying the DB and I'm also still considering the Love Dare. Even if the M doesn't work out; if she's in a better place mentally and emotionally it would be a whole lot better for the kids. But I've pinned hopes on this woman several times and have been let down each of those times. So I can't place any expectation that this time would be any different. The only difference is the ramifications of delay could be far greater on me and the kids.
Oh, I can't stand this; why don't these WAS realize what it does to families to have such selfish desires? And why will they not listen to their spouses about how they feel about it? They wanted us to listen to their feelings for so long; now we are capable and we can't get the time of day.
All this confusion muddies my LBS mind to the point that I think I'm as confused as her.
Sometimes I wonder what am I fighting for? Am I fighting for a M that I want or am I fighting to keep the kids under my roof?
If it's the latter, what is the sacrifice worth? Truth is, I have no attraction toward her right now; it's merely a desire for her to be happier and stay home so that the kids do not have to suffer. I care for her; but I'm not sure that I EVEN love her like I used to. I can see where it would be so easy to drop the ILYBINILWY speech. That's what I feel right now. But I still feel that love is a decision and if she was willing to make that decision; I probably could as well.
