Anyone have an MLC'er Living At Home?

[ThinkingItThru]

My H is still living at home. Mostly for financial reasons I think because although he is there, he's just not there. He speaks to the kids, but he doesn't speak to me. We communicate mostly through email which is strange.

My C thinks that it might even be better if we weren't in the same house, but that's not financially possible. As with most American's we couldn't realistically afford a second living space. Although I understand that some MLC'ers don't pay much attention to reality and get their own place anyway. Sometimes I can see my H doing that.

If there is anyone out there who has a spouse living at home? I would love to hear some advice for how to deal. Do you think it is actually easier if he or I moved to the guest room? We've been trying to keep all this from the kids and that would definitely cause a lot of questions.

The situation also makes doing own things a little more awkward because I feel like I can't just go out and do things like a single person would. I feel that I have to check in with his weekend plans etc. I think I am getting past feeling of awkwardness as time goes on.

Warmest regards,

[BSC]

My W is living at home in the guest room and it sucks. We each take a turn on the weekends doing something or going out. I miss her every minute in our bed, but I can say the tension is a little less with her in the other room.

Unlike you, my W still speaks to me and my children are young so we do things together. I don't envy your situation. I wish I had good advice for you also.

Just follow the DBing rules and stay strong. Good luck!

[MT35]

Hi Thinking-

My H lives at home and has an OW, that he sees. It isn't easy. Some days I am glad he is still at home, others I think it would be easier if he would leave. We still sleep in the same bed most nights.

I understand how you feel on not wanting to do things, but I have found you need to even if they are there. I find this VERY HARD!!! H and I always did Everything together and now if I am out by myself people question where he is.

A few times he has come home and I was going out, and I went a head and left, and he usually says he is going back out too. My H doesn't like to be home by himself, because it gives him time to think and it hurts him to think about what he is wanting to give up. My H hasn't left because of financial issues either, H could make it on his own, but I can't afford the house on my own. H says he worries about that. I have received great advice here that says if H wanted to leave he would just leave.

I wish I had some great advice for you, I have made some wonderful friends on here that give the best support! Just know you are not alone!

[fisherman]

I don't know if you have checked out the resources, there is some good advice there.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

[kelaaron]

Hi,

My H too lives at home. For a long time we were in the same bed, but after the last bomb, he moved into the other room. At first I was very upset about it, I spent two nights on the couch and then went back to my room. I found it relieved a lot of the tension that I knew was there but didn't understand at the time. Now we have good days and bad. Some days we talk, others it is like strangers living in the same house. He has actually been very withdrawn from me this last week and it sucks. I have yet to figure out how you can be with someone for 19 years and then just decide you don't want to talk to them. But that is the MLC, at least a part of it.

MT is a great help, always makes me laugh and it just a wonderful person. I have also met many other people on here who have helped me a great deal. It makes the days of not speaking and not having a clue what is coming down the pike a little easier.

[Jeff3]

hey guys,

My MLC W still is at home and we do have separate rooms too. At first she was cold and avoided me altogether. She wants to date others and has a male older "friend" right now. What i did find that by being upbeat around her she has warmed up and even calls me even though she still wants a D. The point is I guess even if they don't come back by being upbeat it improves your mental health. I went on the link Trapt posted it is a good read!

Cheers, Jeff

[ThinkingItThru]

Last night I was feeling low and I wasn't feeling very physically well either which I think is part of what led to my sadness. But when I got home from work my D had made dinner (bless her). H was playing Playstation in the basement when I got home and returned to it after dinner. When he came up to our bed without a word of acknowledgment to me. I've been pretty OK lately, but because I didn't feel well this set me off.

He rolled over to go to sleep and I just started crying. I felt so alone. I know that he heard me and this just made it worse because I think my tears pushed him farther away when I would have preferred that he have just a bit of compassion. Perhaps I should have taken my breakdown to another room.

Realistically I know that compassion isn't in him right now and I just need to get through this. 90% of the time I'm able to be upbeat, but that other 10% seems to always happen when I'm tired at bedtime and this is what he sees unfortunately.

I'm also trying to figure out how you can be so uncaring to someone you've been with for 19 years. I can understand not having intimate, loving feelings for someone all the time. I've been in and out of that in the marriage through the years, but I always believed that I cared about how my actions made him feel.

Thank you for all your kind words.

[ThinkingItThru]

Its me checking back in again. My H and I are still together in the same house. Still living with a lot of disconnection and distance although we did have a nice weekend get away where my focus was to have no expectations other than to have fun. Now I need to focus on not having any expectations for real life upon returning from the getaway.

I'm a bit on the fence right now. I've been reading a lot. The DB book, books by Pat Love...one in particular is HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT. The focus for the wife in this one is not making your H feel shame (versus for the H in not making the wife feel fear). This leads to disconnection. So there is a lot to do with acting like everything is peachy. The book talks about "emotional attunement" or sensing another's emotions and body language and letting that bring you down. Example, since H reads my body language and my emotions, it is better for him at this point to withdraw and disconnect than to let it bring him down and for him to feel ashamed about it. Thus the "I don't care about you" attitude.

My C has also been telling me to be a more upbeat person. Not that I wasn't upbeat before. Don't get me wrong, I loved my life and had a lot of fun with it, but I have the same problems as everyone (job stress, money, kid issues) and so I shared these things with my H and I'm sure I was sometimes in a bad mood. So she's telling me to be more passive and submissive. I think this kind of goes along with the DB "as if" theory.

One question I have is "Where does this lead?" If I become this Stepford wife who never has a bad mood, does all these things to please her H, never talks about negatives things or questions his decisions, never gives an opinion...then what happens to me? And if this is what it takes...then what is the point in having a partner and a companion if you can't share the bad as well as the good?

This is relevant to this thread because my H and I do still live together so any time spent together at home is supposed to be like this. And the Pat Love book also talks about making men feel better by staying at home with them if they want to spend all day Saturday and Sunday down in their cave watching sports and it makes them feel safe and happy to have you in the next room, then that's what you should do. I don't know about anyone else, but the prospect of just hanging out around the house ALL THE TIME while H watches sports causes me a lot of anxiety.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to release these feelings that I know I need to make some changes to "sand off the rough" edges of my personality (as the C would say), but I don't know how far this has to go, and how far I'm willing to go before I say this isn't me, its some Stepford wife and its not worth it.

[peacetoday]

Hi Thinking
I think the upbeat attitude is a good practice for me
By using it in these past 21 months since bomb, It has helped me in many ways
no Im not a strepford wife
B/c my H is checked out, he is not a good source to discuss problems with
i have a C and a few friends i can talk to

for these past 21 months I have tried to be upbeat with my H
I have created new friends.. a new job..I dance now..my relationship with my kids is much better than before b/c i DB them too

as far as H, it helped create a friendship in my case..H still does not want to come home
we do it for us..we change and become better..happier eventually
My H appreciates howe I let him go and dont bug him for the most part..I cant change him only me
In this MLC, it takes a long time for them to sort it out
some return..many more will not
by DB, we probably give the M the best chance for a return
and we gain so much more for us
it takes time
peace

[ThinkingItThru]

Thanks so much for the advice. I returned home last night after a week away on business enthusiastic about being more appreciative, patient, and thoughtful. I had just read my DB and relationship books straight through on my 7 hours in the air and I was ready to go.

After my reception home, my bubble is burst again. He has no interest in my homecoming at all. It sucks to be tolerated by the person who signed on to be committed to me forever. But you guys already know this and then some I'm sure.

I've said it before, but I think I'm over this now. I feel like I'm at the point where I'm looking to learn from the lessons of all this and move on.