Need Advice On Trip

[ThinkingItThru]

Hi all, I'm new here. I haven't posted my situation, but I've been following other postings for useful information on how to deal with my own.

Basically, I thought I had the perfect marriage. I had a great husband, responsible father, and best friend. However, along with my complacence in the marriage, I think H has moved in to full on MLC.

In Aug of this year I sensed a change in him. Then I got a rude awakening when I discovered a phone bill with hundreds of text messages to the same number. I investigated and found that these messages were to one of his co-workers. This immediately set up a red flag, but when I asked it was explained that this person was a friend(female, but not oriented towards men).This incidence however started off a series of events that has degraded into the serious possibility of separation/divorce. He basically started shutting down completely after this conversation.

I started going to a counselor and working on my issues. Like others here, I have an assertive (controlling) personality which I didn't realize might cause some issues. I've been working on being less controlling. My counselor has been trying to get me out of the decision maker role. Meals, vacations, entertainment, gifts, finances...everything has been decided by me. A lot of this is because of my H's passive personality. Much of the time the answer is, "I don't care. You decide." So in a vacuum, I do.

My counselor is the one who suggested that he seemed to be in MLC. His sudden shutting me out, developing outside friendships, combined with his age (43).

In early Oct I told him that I was giving him space, but I would be available to talk when he was ready. He immediately told me at this point that he had no feelings for me and hadn't had any for a year. [shock] He was hoping that whatever this was would just "go away". He indicated during this conversation that he might be open to getting some help, but he never pursued it.

Since then we have had a couple of blow-ups. I spent most of Aug and Sept doing what I shouldn't have which was trying to figure out and solve the problem. Along with a lot of crying and trying to talk to him about it. We've discussed separating. Last week he went on a business trip and I went away with the kids. We had no communication for a week.

I have a quandary now and I need some advice. In Sept I realized I had an upcoming business trip and I suggested we go early and have a couple of days to ourselves before my conference. This was before THE conversation. Today I told him that I cannot get a frequent flyer ticket for him and would he want to still go with me if we had to pay for it? I figured this was a neutral way of asking if he still wanted to go and would give him an out if he didn't. Again he put it back on me to make a decision by saying, "if we can afford it than go for it".

I'm totally willing to pay for the trip out of our savings if it will help our R, but again I am making a decision for the both of us.

Any advice? Oh, and he's not a talker...at all. He believes that if you talk about the serious stuff you might say something that can't be taken back. That's just the way he is. But it leads to a lot of mind reading on my part.

BTW, I've really glad I found this book and this site. It is very comforting to know that you're not alone when you're going through something like this.

[Upside]

Hi Thinking-
Sorry that you have found yourself here but this is a great place to get advice and just to vent. I'm no expert but it sounds like your H could be in MLC and if that is the case, this takes time to work through with no guarantee of the outcome. It sounds like your H is still at home which can be good and bad. Good because I thinks your M stands a better chance of surviving BUT it will be harder on you while your H goes through this. I am sure you have read all the advice of GAL (getting a life), detaching and having no expectations. To make it through this you really do have to drop the rope and realize that the M you once had is gone. Keep working on yourself and discovering what makes you happy and in time you may be able to build a new and stronger M.

In early Oct I told him that I was giving him space, but I would be available to talk when he was ready. He immediately told me at this point that he had no feelings for me and hadn't had any for a year. [shock] He was hoping that whatever this was would just "go away". He indicated during this conversation that he might be open to getting some help, but he never pursued it.

Twenty months ago when my H dropped the bomb, he told me he had nothing left to give and that he was empty inside. He is very slowly and cautiously trying to work through it and come home. It is a long process but it sounds like your H understands that this is something he is going through and not some permanent change. This could be a good thing.

About your H going on your business trip...hmmm...that is a tough one. I am sure that you feel like if he were to go, it could be a good opportunity for you to reconnect but if your H is in MLC he is not in a place where he can connect with you. If your H does go with you, you have to have absolutely no expectations about what will happen on the trip or when you get home. Can handle that?

[ThinkingItThru]

It will be really difficult to have no expectations about the trip. Because he indicates his willingness to go, this gives me hope and I'm trying not to have any of that right now. I know that sounds weird or pessimistic, but I think it goes along with no expectations.

If we do go together, any suggestions would be welcome. Should I treat it as if we were going before all this started and assuming we're going to do things together or indicate to him that he should feel free to do things on his own?

[Upside]

To us here, you don't sound wierd or pessimistic...it takes a lot of time and letting go before you can have hope without expectations.

IMO, it's okay to have hope (not expectations) for your M to work but you can't hope that this trip will change anything. Right after my H dropped the bomb, we went away overnight. We had a great time and I thought I did everything right. When we got home, I expected that things would continue to get better...WRONG! They got worse and he pulled further away. What your H is going through isn't really about you or your M. I think if you H goes on the trip, you just have to try to have fun and leave it at that. If he goes, you can let him call the shots or you can invite him to do the things you want to do but you have to have no expectations. If he doesn't want to do things with you, go have a good time on your own.

[ThinkingItThru]

Well, since he said, "go for it" I went ahead and booked the trip. I emailed him all the travel information and didn't receive a response and he didn't say anything about it last night.

THIS IS SO WEIRD NOT TO TALK TO MY H/BEST FRIEND ABOUT THIS STUFF! It's like I'm living in some kind of bizarro world.

[ThinkingItThru]

This is just the strangest, most bizarro situation. H and I work a block apart downtown. I went to lunch with a co-worker and encountered H at the restaurant. He came over with his co-workers and said 'Hi' and exchanged some comments about the upcoming election. We spoke more in that 5 minute exchange than we have in a week.

This sucks.