Welcome newbie, you've come to the right place. I found this on another board and I feel it is great info for someone just starting to deal with WAS MLC. Do as they tell you, take care of YOU. Let them go, there is NOTHING else you can do...
((((hugs)))) and best wishes TOH
This isn't about you or the M this is all about him and the internal panic and confusion that he is suffering from.
He is searching for some indefinable something and until his search is over you will be banging your head against a brick wall. This is one of the reasons why MC doesn't really help in these situations. The choice is, have him at home doing stuff in his search which for you as a spectator will rip you and the M to pieces OR have him living elsewhere where he can continue his illusory search for the non-existent 'greener grass'. Meanwhile you and the M are protected from his crazy antics and his lies about said crazy antics. This helps you to step off his roller coaster ride and get on with your life in a stable way in which ever way you decide. Move on, wait or wait then move on, whatever the choice is yours.
Remember, you won't get any sense out of him while he is still searching.
You need to look after you because it will help him feel less guilty and will de-escalate the vicious circle that usually builds up of:- crazy antics, lies, exposure, hurt etc etc till you can't take anymore.
Thing is I think to deal with MLC you have to take a counter-intuitive approach because all the usual things that you think you should do just don't work. I did all the wrong things. Believed her when she said it was me, became ill & debilitated because of the guilt I felt because I drank her Kool-Aid, wouldn't agree to a separation, tried MC, got IC for myself but all it did was make things worse.
The name of the game is damage limitation. You have to protect the M by insulating yourself from him during his 'crazy time'. That way you protect yourself and the M till he sorts himself out. Its like 'outa sight outa mind', 'what the eye don't see the heart don't grieve over' and 'ignorance is bliss'.
I know it seems like giving him a blank check to whatever the hell he wants to but really he is going to do whatever he wants anyway whether he's living with you or you are separated.. The choice is:- Have him living at home where as the spectator you will catch him out in his lies and will get ripped to pieces OR having him living elsewhere where you don't know what he's up to and therefore he isn't hurting you. Its unconditional love really. But the thing is separation gives him the space to see if the grass really is greener and you and the M don't get ripped to bits with his crazy antics. Also, if he stays at home and because of that he ends up hurting you he will feel so guilty and bad that he will eventually start to blame you and resent you for his bad feelings. Remember, truth and justice doesn't really exist in his world for now. He has his own versions of the truth and they will suit him regardless of its right or wrong in reality.
I wish I had let my wife move out for a period of separation but I took the view that if we separated then that would be the end of the M. Boy I got it wrong. The harder I clung onto her the harder she pulled away. Ironically she had a friend who was going through MLC. Her friend moved out with the kids but she & the kids saw H every weekend. After 2 years of her seeing if the grass was greener and him not being exposed to her antics they have now reconciled and gotten back together. I'm pleased for them but especially their 2 kids.
Remember, this is not about YOU its all about his messed up head. He is confused and his mind will change back and forth constantly.
Separation is tough, but its a lot easier than living with him while he is in MLC AND it gives you both the benefit of YOU having some sort of normal life while he works himself out and you wait or you decide at some point to move on. At least you will have some measure of control over how much his crisis negatively affects you.
No matter what happens though you will cope. Believe me, its one of life's truisms that none of us know just how amazingly strong and resilient we can be when we have to be.
I hope you find something useful in my comments and that you go on to save your M and find the Peace that you need.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Your thread is tremendously clear. I am very glad you posted here for us new ones. If you have time, pls visit my post, 'I thought I had the perfect marriage' and feel free to comment at any time. I think my H is going thru MLC as well and doing all sorts of crazy stuff that isn't really 'him'. I feel like he isn't someone I know anymore. On the brink of giving up but trying very hard to detach. I know this all takes time and I am willing to wait it out but he is pulling away further and further and it's just breaking my heart. How far does he pull away before I say something? Until D?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Your right Bill NOT MY advice. I am no where near the place to offer advice to anyone. Anyone who's been here knows that TOH can't get this right. That I have struggled tremendously and still am.
This post really moved me. Made alot of sense. And I know alot of it is very very true because I have lived it, did it wrong, and still learning.
I posted this here because I felt it was valuable info for newbies. If I had figured this MLC stuff out earlier on, maybe things would be different in my sitch.
"ALL" And Bill, if this "ALL" was meant for me, I know your right...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I asked why you didn't post here in MLC mostly because I think we have to be careful about putting the thought there in new members minds that their situation is MLC.
There are some preconceived notions that come along with a "diagnosis" of MLC. For example, some believe that if it's MLC the wandering spouse WILL eventually return.
Not true, but that doesn't matter to the prevailing opinion of desperate people who are grasping for any hope out there.
One last thing. You do NOT have to have all the answers for YOUR situation in order to help others.
If that were the case, none of us would be posting to anyone.
In fact, I can think of some who post to you who would do well to heed their OWN words a bit, especially before hammering you over the head once again.
You know, a little "physician heal thyself" deal?
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I think you are right. If I had read this right away, I never would have gotten through what I needed and I might have assumed this is what H is going through. I have since learned, through much research that it probably is, but I needed what I went through to be able to detatch and be unconditional.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Your right Bill, I never thought of it that. And your right, not all WAS's are in MLC. And again, just because they are, doesn't me they WILL come back.
Thanks Bill, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
