It has been very helpful to read "Divorce Remedy" but I'm stuck as to effective use 180 behavior. H is in MLC and Michele talks a lot about how this is somewhat different - ie no demands. For the length of my marriage I have taken responsibility for finances - something my husband has always hated to do. 180 behavior would have me stop taking this responsibility but then would this place a demand on my husband? Just trying to understand this better.
Also confused about 180 and finances as my H is in MLC and I too have always done the finances. I do the finances for two reasons; 1)my H hates to do them, and 2)is not good at them. As we are still together in the same house, I do need to insure that the mortgage and the bills are paid. H is self-employed and I will admit that in the past I have been a nag at times about getting a paycheck into the account in time to pay the bills. I have tried to totally quit mentioning a paycheck unless the mortgage is due and I will let other bills slide until he remembers on his own. Very difficult on me as I am a type A personality that can't stand a late fee, but figure our marriage is worth it.
Anyone have an answer for Sue and me?
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
I'm far from an expert, and I don't know how long the mlc has been a brewing, but from what I've read so far, I would be very careful about letting them do the finances. They have a lot going on in their minds. mlc is also linked with depression and one symptom of that is forgetfulness. I don't know your sitch. but spending lots of money is one of things you hear about a lot when it comes to mlc as well.
If you get the time hop over to the MLC forum. About the 5th post down you will see MLC Resource Threads. Start here, there is a link to the threads on the 5th page I believe. lots of good info there. Keep the faith and patience on tap at all times.
Also with H in MLC(I think!)and I`m doing 180 also. I don`t get that 180 asks us to abandon responsibility for everything. I`m still doing the bulk of the housework(just letting certain things slide and not getting upset about it)
I`m no longer taking care of his meals or laundry.
And he`s still looking after his end of the finances-we`ve split the bills in a pretty adhoc fashion when we first got married. (This bit is a bit tricky as he has deliberately let bills run overdue just to taunt me but I ignored the taunt and eventually he paid up anyway.)
Isn`t doing 180 really just being about not engaging the game-not letting him pull your strings get you upset and draw you into a row whereby he can blame you for making him unhappy?
Or maybe I`ve just got to go back to Divorce Remedy and read that chapter all over again...
Hi, I'm new here and the finances really confuse me. I am dependent on my H (he is staying at a friend's house) and have two children with him. I have to ask him for money every few days and it is driving me crazy. I feel so irresponsible ignoring our massive debt. I am thinking about asking him if he has a solution (as I am usually the one to take action), this would be a 180 for me if I do it right. Still, I am putting pressure on him by addressing it. I would love input.
180's for me have been effective. The first thing I did was write down my "More of the Same Behaviors" and figured out the opposite of what that was and started doing that.
For example: I would call H in the mornings on my way to work. Stopped doing that all together. Now when I call him or text him it's house/bill related or S related.
During the marriage I was a martyr. He would ask "Hey is it cool if I go watch football with the guys this Sunday afternoon?" I would say yes, with a smile because I didn't want to be the wife with a leash. Then I would be at home on Sunday, with S and start to fume that H didn't want to do something with us. I would start texting "when will you be home?" Then I'd call with stupid questions, etc. Basically I would get mad and do what I could to ruin his time with his friends that he asked me if he could do and I said yes. Crazy. I know and I did it.
Now, we don't ask or tell each other what the other is doing on our nights off from S. HUGE 180 for me to not ask. He asks sometimes, which makes me smile and sometimes I answer, (normally when I have something really fun going on) and then other times I don't (because I plan to stay home and read).
I have to be better about saying "No thanks, I'll take a rain check" more often. That is the new 180 I'm working on.
I've seen progress, I've had backslides, but ultimately, progress.
In terms of the finances, do NOT turn them over to him. Not everything from the previous relationship has to be turned into a 180. For example, I clean the house better than he does. He admits it, so I'm still doing that, just not nearly as much since I don't live there now. I am better at planning things for S in terms of things like swim classes, gymnastics, etc. But H is just as involved, after I set it up. That benefits S so I keep doing it. I was in charge of finances, still am and have no intention to give that up.
There had to be some things in your marriages that were working....if so, leave them as is. It's the stuff that wasn't working you should change and do a 180.
My wife is about to leave me, but I am doing a 180 to. My wife also takes care of all the finances. She also has tried everything. You need to think his way, not your way. Have you ever tried rewarding him? Say something like, "if you pay these bills, I have something special for you in the bedroom" I think that would work for me!
LOL. I just saw this. I think in my sitch, tying the sex to money or anything would be a BAD move...our sex life was so hurting in R and it needs to be free and clear of any baggage or manipulation IF it happens. He is sleeping elsewhere and has proclaimed that our R is "done." Using sex would be weird and more of the same in this case.
But thanks anyway, in a different R and one that was in tact, it might work.
180s = changing things that the spouse had indicated somehow or even clearly repeated he/she didnt like about you and the things you were doing and
most importantly IMO effective 180s are the ones where you are doing things that dont affect the spouse necessarily but are things for you that you have always said you wanted to do, or wished you could do and never did.
So, my biggest 180s were changing my philosophy about things and stopped being negative, (always looking at the glass as empty -he complained about that alot), I became upbeat and found my humor and I think that was the most effecitve one for me and the one I NEEDED to make irrelevant of H. I made some other changes like I changed my hair color for 1 month from brunnete to blond (always said I wanted to do that-he was shocked), made a trip I wanted to make, started having fun with my kids and was very calm with them, started cooking things I never tried before, started reading again as I always wanted to etc etc.
Most of these things were for ME, I felt better about myself and were things that I used to put off.
Doing a 180 doesnt mean you change something that is positive and make it negative only to make a statement. Imagine you are given the right and opportunity to do some of the things you always wished you could do but for some reason never tried to. 180s doesnt mean change your behavior aiming to attract your spouse, I've been around long enough to see that unless you really are into the change you are making, the WAS "see" thru it and it is wasted energy.
Update your wardrobe, use different make up styles, if you have kids and they stay with your spouse every other weekend, use that time to do things you could never do before in the context of the family. FUN things, innocent things, get happy.
"Recharging" your body and soul shows, you get a glow that no MLCer or WAS can miss. It may take some time to actually see a response to it, if you ever do see one, but trust me THEY notice.
I tried a few other minor things in regards to him, like not being home when he was dropping the kids off, changing things in the house that made me feel better and surpised him, never-ever asked him where he was what he was doing which I did that to detach but it was a 180 to show absolutely no curiocity, kept a distance from his family setting boundaries he didnt want me to set but were imoprtant for my sanity, didnt answer the phone somtimes when he called, etc etc
In conlcusion 180s should make them curious and maybe even wonder if you are moving on but I would really insist on making those changes only, you feel comfortable with. Dont change just "for the change". K
PS My H said he noticed every little thing about me.
