My sitch in brief: Married 13 yrs(DD now 15)when WAH suddenly left for OW in 2002, divorce finally spring 2007. He was a particularly nasty midlife crisis alien! I DB'ed to no avail and during all those separation years, I rarely saw a glimpse of the man I once knew. He blamed me for everything and civil conversations were rare. The only time he was remotely human was when he and OW were on the outs. They were mostly on though until last spring. I do believe and he has said that they are finished.
Since breakup with OW he's been a different man. Pleasant, supportive, friendly, flirty, apologetic. We met to discuss DD a few months ago and ended up making out in the parking lot. We've since become friends again - hanging out, going to dinner alone and as a family, sitting around the TV, laughing over happy memories, etc. Not dating exactly though when DD was out of town briefly, we did finally end up in bed together. Lovely but also strange and I think it scared us both!
What we're not doing is talking about our relationship. The only R talk has been a few laughs over "what are we doing?" and a mutual agreement that we don't know! It's as if we're circling each other like wary dogs!
I have been content to test the waters until now but I'm scared of getting hurt again and also scared of "pushing" him for more. I know him well and he will never actively pursue me - he'll wait for me to make any moves. I don't feel like we're dating or moving toward anything though and I'm not sure if I'm ok with this hanging out or whatever we're doing anymore.
Basically, I'm scared. I love him (and he knows this) but I was deeply hurt before. I don't want to hope if there is no hope on his part. I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to pressure him. I need to be true to myself and not sure if I can do that without knowing he at least wants to think about being together in the future.
I'm not sure what I'm asking. Just need some support and maybe some ideas.
I would say go with the flow..... Given how new your new R is..... I would just give it time.... I really think he is probably more afraid than you realize because of what happened last time and how he hurt you....
It seems odd... But, I have heard of so many couples getting back together... Living together.... and not really defining "what are we doing?"... They find their way back to happiness together...
The obstacle I see is you working totally through the pain he caused you.... Would you rather work through the pain WITH him or live the rest of your life WITHOUT him? As a hopeless romantic, I would sign up for working through the pain....
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I know him well and he will never actively pursue me - he'll wait for me to make any moves.
It may seem that way, but I think he'd suprise you if he even got a thought that you are moving on. I think you are entitled to get chased. It's been a long time apart...maybe it's best to consider him another fish in the sea. I'll bet if you look at any other fish that he'll make his intentions know. I know...sounds like a game, but sometimes guys are just too dumb. And I'm sure he might not say it, but I bet he's of the "why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free" type.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
JazMom, I would love to hear what's happened with your situation. My H has been gone since 2004, living with OW. PA since 2003, EA a year earlier, maybe longer. He not asked for divorce, but has less and less contact with me. He won't see me in person. We were married 15 years when this started, now 20+, we have no children, so no reason for him to see me. I came to the board tonight, searching for anyone at all, who had been at it this long, and had any kind of favorable outcome. (favorable to me is getting back together).
Like you, I rarely come here any more, but please know that your posts are helpful to others. I'm hoping you are successful. My goal if I were in your shoes (I've had lots of time to think about it), would be go with the flow, hope H would come around and eventually find love with me again. I don't think my H would pursue me either. I have tried to imagine how it might be, or how I would feel. I have had a just 2 dreams(sleeping dreams), in which it has happens. In those dreams, I seem to know when he's come back, that OW is gone, and it will all be ok. And, in those dreams, I trust him again. In real life,first time around, we became friends, and then grew into more. I think it would have to happen that way again, esp after living separate lives for so long. I'm not sure if that helps you in your question. I hope so.
