I was on here a few years ago trying to keep my sanity, knowing that H was having an affair. Lots of things have happened and time has passed. We are still together. I did some things trying to save my marriage and family that in retrospect I should never have done. Please don't bash me for previous idiocies. I know my choices have been extremely stupid and will make people tell me I am an idiot, but now I have to stop this mess and do something different.
OW is out of the picture now. SHE finally realized it was never going anywhere after I actually met her, forgave her, and didn't just dump him and fade away. So you see, he never really made the choice to stop things we her, she did it. He does realize now that he was used (he gave her money for bills, etc.)
At his request and thinking it might "help" the marriage, I have joined H in 3 threesomes since she was out of the picture(over the last 4.5 years). There has not been another woman on the side. Each time, after his fantasy was fulfilled, I was treated like a queen, but after a while he always wanted to do it again (of course). He's to that point again and I just cannot and will not do this anymore. It eats at my soul. I've told him how I feel and he seems to think that I just need reassurance that he loves me, which is not the point. I think he is going to push this. I finally feel strong enough to say no and to look at what the consequences might be.
I stand to lose quite a bit. We've been married over 30 years and he has the career and big salary. I am self employed and make about 1/4 of what he makes, if that. We don't live in a community property state, but that is usually how things are divided up in most of the cases I know of. We married very young so obviously everything we have has been accumulated during the marriage.
I'm a little scared and figure that this will probably lead to the end of our marriage. I just need a little support and maybe if anyone else has ever been in this crummy place, you might share how you got out.
Thanks.
W-late 40's H-late 40's children - all grown, but were at home during H's affair M-over 30 years
You know, you might want to do some homework on the financial aspects of divorce in your state - you might be surprised that you would come out a little better than you think. Knowledge is power.
AS for the threesomes - as you've seen, accommodating his fantasies did not make things go away. You shouldn't feel pressured into doing anything that you don't feel comfortable doing.
Would he go to a marriage counselor with you? Someplace where someone ELSE could tell him he is being an unreasonable jerk???
Sometimes I think these midlife males get into these porno-type fantasies because their testosterone and libido are starting to flag, and the excitement of the weird stuff gives them an extra "boost". Does he have a history of depression? Is this new and unusual for him, or did he always have kinky fantasies?
I give you the 'creativity award' in DBing. And the 'courage' award for being willing to stand for yourself and being willing to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Your choices were NOT stupid. They were creative. They were loving. Honor yourself. You deserve it. You had good reasons to try it. You have good reasons to stop it.
I wish you every great thing.
How do you think you'll proceed with this?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Is your concern more focused on the financial aspects of a D or whether you wonder if you can even resolve this relationship?
I have to ditto every word Ellie has put here. My ex was involved in a situation like this with his OW. (Not me. He mentioned it to me once and I just gave him the deer in the headlights look--"are you flipping nuts or what?")
I had a C going through my divorce who wondered, although my ex refused to attend any therapy/counseling, if there was a sex addiction component involved in our situation. Sure seemed like it.
Is it possible you did this out of fear in order to save your M? I sense that you are questioning or feel awful about it with this statement:
Quote:
I finally feel strong enough to say no and to look at what the consequences might be.
You shouldn't feel guilty. Just realize to love yourself enough to set the boundaries you need to have a healthy sexual relationship. It sounds like to me you may wonder whether this was a healthy, loving, sexual relationship.
Have you read the book "Love Must Be Tough"? Its a good book.
I agree, you need to figure out what you are afraid of. Its great that you are ready to draw the line, but maybe a counselor could help you figure out how you got to where you are.
First to Ellie, thanks for the website for financial info. I will definitely check it out. As far as seeing a counselor, he would never go. He has always said therapy is useless and even if I got him there, he'd walk out the first time he felt criticized. No, he never mentioned any kinky fantasies. He has always wanted me in the 3some and has never talked about wanting one without me.
SG, thanks for the award! Not really what I was going for, but I'll take it. I doubt I'm the first wife who has done this thinking it would help the marriage. I'm not sure where I'll go from here. He is out of town tonight so we have a break from each other. I guess I'll just wait and see how he is when he gets back tomorrow evening.
keyzblew, I have to say that the concern about the finiancial aspects of a D and saving the relationship are about even at this point. I, too, wonder about the sex addiction aspect and I'm not sure just how healthy our sexual relationship is.
lwb, thanks for the book recommendation. I'm a firm believer in tough love. I've just never applied it to my marriage relationship. I guess there's a first time for everything.
I think I feel worse that my marriage may end than I really feel about myself. I've given a huge amount in this marriage. If it fails, I think I can say I gave everything I could give without totally losing myself.
Your H may have some bad ideas about counseling. A big component of addiction often is denial and shame. That sometimes does come out as refusing to see a T or a C because they fear "criticism." Often someone with any type of an addiction has a low tolerance for examining their own behavior and fear being seen as having a problem or weakness. You have to proceed cautiously with them.
Only you can determine what a healthy sexual life is for yourself. Tough love is a book helps communicate your boundaries within a Christian context. That's a good thing--communicating what it is you will and will not accept in your life. But you have to decide for yourself what you can tolerate emotionally, mentally, and physically. If doing something to maintain a relationship is making you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, then it is telling you that you may have extended your boundaries without regard to yourself.
The sexual addiction thing is a slippery slope. I know what I had witnessed in my ex; however, you really can't determine that unless he is willing to talk to a therapist, be evaluated, and keeps an open mind to the idea that your sex life is detrimental to your marriage. He will need to decide then that your marriage is more important than his ego.
You will have a lot of work to do as well should you go the route of trying to save your M. There will be relapses, there will be bargaining, and there will be times he's coping with a different life and and different attitude that is completely foreign to him.
I know of couples who have overcome it and have persevered. It was not an easy road. I attended a few S-Anon meetings during and just after my D. You can google S-Anon to get their website and learn more. It may be of use for you or it may not but can provide you with more information. I didn't keep up with it but did meet a few very nice folks there. I divorced my ex and decided after a short while that it was something I could cope with in other ways, especially since I wasn't the one involved with the threesomes and other "extra-curricular" activities going on. (There was more to it for him than just threesomes...there was some rather impulsive and impetuous behaviors as well. That's why I'm hesitant to mention sex addictions here, but it's worth investigating too.)
Please take good care of yourself and enjoy your break. Keep posting.
You shouldn't feel pressured into doing anything that you don't feel comfortable doing.
in DBing. And the 'courage' award for being willing to stand for yourself and being willing to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.