I need help with this!

[faithrunner]

Hello all!

I have browsed this site for a few months and just registered. I hope that you can offer me some advice on what to do in my current situation. H had EA for the past few months, just told OW his feelings three weeks ago and moved out for the second time. At that time he agreed not to enter a physical relationship until our marriage was over (cannot bring himself to say divorce) and would not talk to her or email her from our home. No papers have been filed.

I have been doing LRT with distancing for the past three weeks, and I thought the small results were pretty good. H is doing more around the house, calls me more during the day (I go dark during the work day, so if we talk, it's because he calls me), and offers a ton to watch the kids so I can go out. He also makes dinner, packs my lunch, fixes bottles for the baby for daycare the next day, you name it.

He is staying at an army base nearby in their visiting officers quarters b/c he will be deployed to Iraq for three months in Dec. He comes to the house at 6:30am every morning to help get the kids ready for school, comes for dinner every night and stays till bedtime. Sometimes we watch a little tv and chat afterward. Most nights he hugs me goodbye, asks if we're friends and if everything's going ok. I remain upbeat, put on my best smile and say "sure!", then move on to different topic, different room, whatever. I am determined to stay away from R discussions, and it's worked for about 3 weeks now. On weekends he comes early and leaves at bedtime.

On to this past weekend. Saturday we did lots of fun stuff with the kids then all went out to dinner. He raises his glass to toast when our drinks came (this was our thing on dates), we have a great dinner. We get back home and chat after the kids go to bed. He gives me a big hug, and leaves. I'm thinking maybe he's beginning to have a change of heart.

Sunday, he offers to grocery shop with our oldest. I snoop and find dozens of emails to OW. Nothing in the body, just ILU or miss you in the subject line from him. Her response is usually short, what she's doing at that moment, only once ILU. One message from her said"so will you be gone all this weekend, too?", so she's already demanding his time. I never revealed what I had found. I decided that making him confess would only end up hurting me in the end, so I kept it to myself. Funny, he became anxious and sick to his stomach later in the afternoon and asked if I minded if he leave early. I said sure. I wonder if he had plans. This morning he gives me the blow by blow of his evening, in bed by 8, etc. I don't believe a word he says now. I haven't spoken to him since and he just emailed me an hour ago with "how's your day?" in the subject and no message, same as messages to OW. It made my stomach turn.

The concrete evidence of this has shattered me. Seeing in print my H confess love to another is horrible to bear. This woman is 10 years older than him, and looks it (her pic is in the corner of her emails, another horrible reality check). How do you do it? I have struggled all day with where I want to go from here. This is not the man I married. My friends are worried that I am making it easy for him to cake eat. I don't think so, since I really detach well at home while he's there. How do you keep going knowing they are emailing from their phone in the bathroom or going to meet OW after they leave you in the evening? Please advise me on what to do. Do you see any positives in his actions at home?

[sandi2]

I faithrunner, I'm Sandi. I had an EA with OM on line. I would like to try to help you if I can. Guess it seems kind of odd that I am from the other side of the fense, but still sometimes it gives a different POV. BTW, I am no longer in the EA and it is b/c of this board and the wonderful people that helped me get my head on straight that put a stop to it before it led to a PA.

Okay, so I am known for my long post and I hope you don't mind. The first thing I would suggest is that you do not tell him that what you have discovered. The next thing is to try your best not to snoop any further b/c it will only stress you out and make it very difficult to carry out your plan.....which I am about to give you in a minute.

You may have already seen this list, and if so, that is fine, but I usually try to give it to begin with b/c it works if you go by it. You will have the upper hand b/c he will not know that you know what is going on and in the meantime, you are going to become a woman he will want a lot more than this other woman he "thinks" he wants now.

First of all.....do nothing to act needy or clingy. Don't panic and act like you are scared he is going to leave you. Don't start telling him you love him and trying to get him to say it back b/c he will resent it. Oh, I'm getting into my list, so I might as well go ahead and give it now and be done with it. Then I'll talk again to you. But, please follow this list to a tee. I promise, unless he is in serious MLC beyound help, then I think, in time, you will see him coming around. However, the secret word is "time" and "space". You must be very patient.
Here's the list:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse.
35. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

I will check on you tomorrow. In the meantime, post to others and read other threads. The more you post, the larger the support group you will build up.

Take care of yourself. Look good at all times and be the best "you" that you can be.

Sandi

[faithrunner]

Sandi, thank you so much for responding! I have read your wise posts to others and am grateful for your advice.

The snooping ends now. You are right, and it makes me feel terrible afterward. I hate not being able to trust my H, esp when he seems to be overcompensating by giving me info on every evening, every work day, etc. But, now I know what I am working against, so I'll try turning it into a positive. I am also a faithful person and am trying to treat him with compassion and not grow in resentment of him.

Tonight went well, I think. He called me on my way to pick up our kids, I let it go to voicemail. He said he hoped I had a good day and to call him back. I waited until I had the kids, then I let them say hi, he said he'd be home soon and I said bye. We played with the kids and had dinner. I've been doing well with #15, he asks me if I'm ok all the time and I try to let him start most conversations I need to get better about babbling about myself-that would be a good 180 for me. It's just that he asks about my day all the time, like he thinks there's something I'm not telling him, so I babble on.

Anyway, while we were putting the kids to bed he took an extended bathroom break, probably to text OW. That drives me nuts! I didn't mention it, but I absolutely hate it. It really hurts.

He sat and watched tv with me for about 20min and then said he was tired and going to go (he has about a 45min drive). He apologized for acting grumpy lately, and for leaving early in the afternoon yesterday. I said he did look sick (he looked terrible by the time he left, but anxious and sick together, and commented that he felt like he was having a "mental breakdown" and needed to rest). He'll be back at 6:30am tomorrow to help get the kids out to school.

Tomorrow night I have plans with friends, so H will be home with the kids. Sandi, any idea why he is actively encouraging me to GAL? I was never the sit at home type, so this isn't a 180 for me. I'll make sure to look my best when I get home tomorrow night, and I'll let you know how it goes.

Thank you again!
Faithrunner

[whatdidido]

Actively encouraging you to GAL? My thoughts....one of two reasons...he wants you out of the house to contact OW or you are more attractive to him when you are GALing....the fact you say you have always done this makes me think the first guess unfortunately.

[faithrunner]

Ugh, I hadn't thought of that. I tend to think you're right, since he goes back and forth between offering to watch the kids and offering to run errands so I can "go home and relax". Jerk.

Should I turn down some of his offers? How should I handle that?

[faithrunner]

After some thought, my gut is telling me to GAL anyway, since it hinges on so many other parts of the list, ie acting as if, detaching, being confident, etc. Essentially I have to ignore HIS motivations for having me go out. Anyone agree?

I actually think WDID's second reason may be true also, since H had complained that I didn't go out as much as we used to before the kids.

[hope3343]

Hi faithrunner, I saw your stich in another post and then noticed you started this one.

I too struggle very much with snooping and it does make me crazy. I need to drop the rope on this and really step back. Problem is H works with me in the same building and we go to the same meetings or I see him in the hallway. The worst is the OW works directly for him and I run into her also. Sometimes I am ready to go over the edge with this.

Since I used to obsess about them sneaking off for lunch, I joined the gym and go to work out and do yoga 3/4 times a week. It keeps me busy and it does help me not trying to follow them.

As far as GAL, I worry that my H is happy about that also because sometimes I think I have truly moved on and then he will ask for D. Pretty depressing.

So far even though my H is so far gone in this A with OW since June, I am hoping it burns out in the end. I have 21 years invested in this M and don't want to give up already.

One day is good and the next is terrible. I cry all the time (most times alone) but it is a lonely struggle. We moved here 2 years ago and I have no family here at all.

A good book that I am reading is "surviving an affair" there is a good section about Plan A/Plan B that T2L is following with some good results. Read her old stichs.

take care

[faithrunner]

Hope, I have to say that your crying must be a good release because your strength when it counts is amazing! I admire that about you. Having the opportunity to see them together would be tempting to me in a sad way and I know I would torture myself at least once. Good for you that you have found something so positive to fill that time.

I will look for that book. Thank you so much.

[hope3343]

Thank God we have these boards. Sometimes when there is nothing else someone pulls me out of the dumps on this board.

Yes it is torture seeing OW. One day she looked like she was smirking. I wanted to jump across the room and choke her. But I am Italian -- there is an old saying "I don't get mad, I get even -- no matter how long it will takes".

It is very lonely at night. My D15 is busy and I hardly see her. H moved out Oct 1 and it has been difficult. But one day at a time. I pray we will reconcile.

[faithrunner]

I have to say that everytime I see your signature with the "alien pod" reference it makes me smile. That's the key for me to remember. H has left this planet, not me. I can keep on living if I can disconnect from his crazy. The funny thing is the more I do that, the more he calls . . .

I like to TIVO Joel Osteen specials and watch them in the evenings. They are so positive and I need constant reminders to live in peace and let God fight this battle. It helps me go to sleep with a smile.