A Rough Year - Still!

[1hope]

It hasn't been a very good weekend. I really fell off the DB wagon for Saturday and part of today. Guess the truth is that H pushed me off.

Friday evening when I came home from work H was at the pub. Took me by surprise. So I went home, took care of the dog and then went back to have a drink too. He was not pleased. He was only sitting with a couple of our guy friends, but must be the alien had traded places with him sometime during the day. I should have known better because he did not phone me all day long...the first time I think all week.

Oh well, he stayed for a drink with me and then got pissed at something that I said, paid his tab and left me there. I was so embarassed. But I didn't want to go home, so I just stayed and toughed it out. Several more friends showed up, and I ended up having a great time! In fact, I got asked to dance and got some very nice compliments. Those things alone made me feel wonderful. My girlfriend came in and with all of the fun going on it was closing time before I knew it. I came home and slept on the couch in the den.

Needless to say H was not happy. He got up early to go hunting, but had to wake me up first and let me know what a tramp I am. About 5 times from various parts of the house.

The rest of the weekend was up and down. We did have some good moments, but this morning I made the mistake of getting in the hot tub with him and he had me cornered for a R talk. It was ugly, and oh so painful for me. I know not to believe a word that he says, but my heart is being ripped from my chest. It was especially hard after finally feeling desireable again on Friday night.

I don't know how I finnaly got thru to him today, but I told him that I did not want a D., and that I was not going to file. That if he wanted to I would not stand in his way, but I loved him and did NOT want to get D. About 30 minutes later he made me breakfast, then asked if I wanted to go with him to look at a couple of trucks and pick up some hunting stuff he needed.

I went and we had a good morning. When we got back he asked me to come out and help him with one of his deer blinds, so we spent about another hour out in the back of our property.

He is out hunting now, so I decided to check the board and found that my thread had locked. Couldn't think of a cute name for this one. Feeling discouraged I guess.

K, yes, out hot tub is all weather. H keeps a path shoveled to it in the winter, and we still use it every day. It is so beautiful with snow falling. If you keep in the water, it is not too cold. The steam keeps your face and head warm, but when I had no hair my scalp would get a little cold. We don't use it in high wind, it's too hard to deal with the thermal cover in strong winds. We keep it at about 103 degrees, and it is probably the best thing that we have ever done for ourselves. It is sooo relaxing. The electric bill is a bit higher in the winter, but not so much that we really feel any paid. It is a Jacuzzi and is insulated well. It has truly restored my samity during the past year. Water has always been a peaceful retreat for me.

Hope that everyone has had a good weekend. MT, thought of you this early evening because I made a couple of pies! Bananna cream and Key lime. Hope they are good!

[WCW]

(((Hope)))
Why is it when a man sits in a bar he's being one of the guys but when a woman does the same thing she's a tramp?

I am really sorry your H continues with his tongue lashings of you. If I was in your shoes I would do all I could to make sure I put distance between me and him as often as possible.

That isn't always easy while living in the same house but it can be done, and I know that because I've lived it for quite a while. You have a big house and room to roam outside, use it to create space so you don't have to continue taking his verbal abuse.

Consider confronting him about drug use, and let him know your boundaries again. That doesn't go in hand with telling him that you will not file for D, but he has to know there will be consequences where drugs are involved.

So, don't you freeze between the hot tub and the house? bbbrrrrrr

[1hope]

Yes, it's a cold stroll from the tub to the house, but the tub is placed on the deck less than 12 feet from the back door. The deck was built for the tub, so it has it's own level with railing. I have big plush terry robes and extra large bath towels to wrap up in, so that is comfy. Also, a nice pair of Crocs are necessary to slide your feet into, I don't like to do bare toes on snow & ice. I had my coffee out there this morning while H was slow in getting out of bed. It was still dark and I listened to deer argue over the apples on our tree. I could also hear a coyote howling out in the woods. It was a pretty relaxing start to the day.

H's rants at me are so childish, but I have grown so used to them that I really don't take them personally any more. I know that he is reacting to his own pain. The things that do bother me are when he says that he doesn't love me, is not attracted to me, he would not have been talking to the EA if our marriage had been strong, does not want to be with me, that he is unhappy and wants me to leave, he does not want to come home if he knows that I am going to be there. Those things hurt me badly. It wasn't all that long ago that he used to tell me that he would get a warm fuzzy feeling inside coming home at the end of the day and seeing my car already in the drive. I don't know.

He insists that the problems are not because of drugs or another woman. He says that it is about the fact that he has realized how short life is and he does not like me or my personality. He also does not like my body. He says that he is not attracted to me any more, that my having cancer has "done something" to him. I know that this is more about him than me. I know that he is terrified that I might get sick again and die, he said as much last weekend. I guess I just need to work on my patience and my forgiveness.

I did express my boundaries again about the drugs. We were having an ugly R talk Saturday morning. I tried to avoid but he pushed and pushed until me made me angry. He told me that he was going to see an atty and file for D and that he would have me served at work in the middle of a meeting just to make the whole thing worse. I told him that I had ALREADY seen an atty and could have him served on Monday if I so chose. That surprised him a bit. He said, well if you don't want a D why would you see an atty? I told him it was after I had found the drugs in his truck. That I was worried he might do something to put our farm in jeporady. That kind of let the steam out of the arguement. I went into another room to fold some laundry. Later I came out to him and told him that I did not want a D., but I would not stand in his way if that was what he had to have. I told him that I loved him and did not want to D him. Things calmed down after that and we did manage to have some good time together. Some days I feel like I am the one in the washing machine, and not the clothes.

I know that he is burried somewhere inside himself. I have to quit expecting him to come out on my schedule.

[kelaaron]

Hope-

I guess I missed something about finding drugs in the truck. Oh well. I think I kinda agree with WCW about more space. I don't know if I could put up with the ranting. But it is definately replay behavior. Actually, I did put up with it for a long time although my H was a little more subtle about it (not loud) and I will tell you that my selfesteem took a real nose dive because of it. If I had know as early on as you what I was dealing with it might have been a little different for me, I don't know. I really don't think they have a clue how they affect us. I can't tell you how many times over the last couple years I've heard, I might leave if....or I don't like coming home because you are there. Other things. Then a few days later it is like they never said it. Keep being strong. I really admire you.

[1hope]

I guess I missed something about finding drugs in the truck. Oh well.

I probably didn't write a lot about it, it happened early spring when all of this began to come out in the open. I do see it as replay behavior, of when he was footloose and fancy free. It was right after my treatment had finished and I was starting to go back to work. He was also in the middle of his phone EA and starting to turn into someone I didn't know anymore. Funny how things in my life always "happen for a reason". I have always known my H so well. When his MLC began to pick up steam I found several situations where he told me lies. One Sunday I was out in the yard cleaning out vehicles and went to put a tool box into his truck. When I turned to close the door I found a small bag of coke sticking out of the door pocket. I confonted him, he lied and I flipped out!!!! I have zero tollerance for anything not legal. I did counsel with an atty at that point but short of actually filing for divorce, there was not much they could help me with.

After I thought things thru a bit I realized it was all part of his MLC trying to relive his bachelor days...when he used to dabble in some recreational use. He told me that he had been offered it in a bar and thought why not? After he had it he realized that it was not a thing that he wanted to go back to, so he tossed it in the door pocked and forgot about it. ?? Whatever. I have been watching very closeley and really don't think the behavior is being repeated. I was very plain that if I uncover any more I will have him arrested. He knows that I will do it. That is part of the reason that he only will go to our local pub now, and not any of the larger bars that he was going to before. He told me that he wanted to be in a situation where I would feel secure in knowing that anything "off" would get back to me. What logic. Why not just come home and spend time with me, like we used to? Oh, I forgot, right now you'd rather not be reminded that you have a W. I keep forgetting.

You are right about the space. I try to give him as much as I can when he gets in these moods. It isn't easy, and sometimes it's as if there is an infection in him that has to be vented out so he can go back to feeling normal. Then, the more space that I give him the more he presses to fight. When his bad feelings have all been let out, he suddenly gets nice again, and it's like it never happened. Very strange.It isn't easy to put up with. I have to keep reminding myself that it is replay and that he is the one in pain. I try not to listen or believe any of the things that he says. If I do, it does hurt my selfesteem. That is part of why I enjoyed myself so much on Friday night. I got my ego stroked by some of his very own friends. It was heaven. In fact, I got an invitation to go out after the bar closed, which I was smart enough to say "thanks, but no thanks!" It did wonders for my feelings though.

[Babygirl]

oh come here let me hug you!! He realized how short life is? He doesnt like your body cause cancer changed you? UGH sounds just lke my H. Only last time he said that, I didnt db at all, I went off!
how short life is, like you and I dont know that? and what the cancer had done something to him? UGH!!!!!!! WTF about what it did to us? Cancer doesnt give one a free pass to be "there" and to run around!! sorry, obviously that is something I struggle with. I know men are fixers, they cant fix cancer, but we didnt need them to fix it, or us, love us yes, be loyal yes, but man, not to be selfish and use our illness as an excuse!
off my soap box now lol!
I am glad u had fun friday nite, let him be miserable, he is, you make sure you have fun, he chose this life, it doesnt mean u have to stay at home!
love ya!

[1hope]

Thanks Baby, love you too!

One of the interesting things that happened on Friday night, someone that I was talking to said "You know, you really look good. I told your H that the other day when I saw him, and he said "yeah, she's getting there." I said "well, he is having some struggles right now, he honestly does not see me as I am." She responded, "no kidding. I mean, has he looked at his own self in the mirror lately?" That made me feel good.

I just don't know what it is with these guys. I don't think it has much to do with the "fixer" in them. To me it feels more like H feels cheated that he has to deal with my illness. He has some natural selfish tendencies and I think he resents that this has become a part of his life. He is also very scared that I am going to get sick again and die. Or that he is going to die. I mean, every little ache and pain that he gets lately makes him fear that he has cancer.

He is having to face his own mortality and he doesn't like it one little bit.

[Babygirl]

thats awesome! I had a friend tell me friday nite how I was looking so much better since gaining weight! duh anything would be better than when I was 83 pounds lol!

what you say makes sense, I still wonder how my H could just detatch so easy when I was so ill. if they are truly afraid of us dying, they have an icky way of showing it!

no one is promised a tomorrow, no one!

[kelaaron]

Detaching when sick is actually kinda normal. My H is very good at it. He can't fix me so he trys not to think about it. At least where I can see it. So anyway, replay sucks. Temper tantrums suck. They just do. Protect your heart. When he says negative, remind yourself you are worth it and you are pretty and you are lovable. I know about having ego stroking it can be very nice.

Threw it in the door and forgot? That just tells you where their heads are at. If he had gotten pulled over for anything, he would have gone to jail. Crazy...

[1hope]

I still wonder how my H could just detatch so easy when I was so ill. if they are truly afraid of us dying, they have an icky way of showing it!

I think it is easier for men (in general) to detach, than women. Women are the born caregivers in the family, with the children etc. Men are brought up not to show their feelings or it is considered a sign of weakness. Combine that with "out of sight, out of mind" and there you have it.

no one is promised a tomorrow, no one!

Yes, and because you and I have actually opened the mortality door and looked thru the other side, we get it. Everybody else still has that secure little feeling that "it won't happen to me."