Hi - I got locked again so here is a run down on my sitch:
years ago I began a texting type reltionship with my friends husband. The relationship grew and on 2 occasions we slept together which was not only unsuccessful (for him ) but it was not what I needed or wanted from the relationship. My husband consequently discovered a text message and I spent he next 3 years lying about the extent of the affair.
During these years my husband left me, returned and left me again. We had counselling and i realised that the love i needed and thought i was not getting was actually in my husband all the time. I deeply regreted my actions and finally confirmed with him what he believed he already knew and told him the truth. He returned home for 6 weeks and then 3 weeks ago decided to leave again. I am DEVASTATED.
I have done everything possible to get him back. Some days i do not know what to do with myself. My love and need for him is immense. The only thing i have not done is given him real space. I constantly text and call. We were married 23 years and have 3 teenage children. We have so much to look forward to in the future and so much to loose. What can i do now ? Should i of continued to lie to him ? He still cares for me but i am not sure if he loves me now. He asks how can we make special again what we had. I think he has convinced himself that it is over and I know that it will take 2 of us to fix that. How do I convince him that i would never do that again, that I am so deeply sorry and that what we have is worth fighting for? I would love some help and suggestions. I know i am responsible and selfish to of done what I did in the first place. No one else knows of the extent of the affair even my friend.
I had heaps of great help. Hoping it still continues:
Right now I have an H who is very angry and hurt. He said something insightful once which, i have come to understand through the advice here. Trouble is I don't know how to help him as he no longer lives at home. I have been an open book with everything but he has not budged.
He Said " He needed to leave home because of the pain he constantly felt in the pit of his stomach. He said that pain is not there when we are separated because - we are separated, it does not matter what you are doing , we are no longer a couple. '
My thread got locked so I have had to start another one.
I think your advise is sound and yu are reading me well. If I tell the children it will be because I don't want them thinking badly of their dad leaving home. Which I guess is protecting the R between H and off spring.
Oh you dont know how much I wish I could behave as if I was not married. I know when I treat him with the respect and not familitarity like I would anyone else things do seem to get better. I just cannot help myself. I think oh its my husband and I treat him like he should be getting me drinks, taking me home , etc etc. Then he goes really quiet and withdraws from me.
So i see it and i just cannot control myself. Then I spend the next few days tip toeing around him. any tips on how to control myself would be very much welcome.
As yet I hav egiven no further thought to telling kids. I am not sure what they know except for the general explanation i gave them ie inapproriate behaviour. I am not sure what could be gained from more info other than to defend H actions. I do not want to be in a position of having no respect from them. I do not think that would be healthy for them or ourdelves as parents. It is hard enough to guide.
Hijame38 - Thank you so much for your story. I wonder if you could help me. Not sure how much of my sitch you have read, but bottom line - I had an A, lied about it, finally told truth and H left me.
I have done lots to try to and make my life open to him. He has passwords to accounts, emails, and anything else he requests. But It does not seem to help. I know he does not forgive me and to be honest he never has said he has. I have apologised, cried , done all the things that Dbing said not to do (and they were right ) and he does not seem moved.
Is there nything else your W could of done to help you. Is there anything she could of said. I wonder if it is not just wht we say but what we do or our actions?
I am fasinated that you are realising what you have lost. I am so fearful that if i do give up on the M and I do find happiness with someone else and he becomes like you , that I wil be torn. One of my reasons for fighting for M is for the family. Some may disagree but I dont. I believe whole heartedly in the strength of the family unit.
Wish you could talk to my H - but right now he is not in the right head space to listen. I am considering showing him this web site and seeing if he participates. I think as a man he would gain a lot of helpful advise here.
I was thinking SPM- a building of ours is being leased and rennovated at the moment and it is going to be a funeral parlour. Would it be out of place to suggest...... ha ha well never done it there before.
