One thousand posts later...

[hoosiermama]

Perfect time to begin a new thread.

When I first posted in May, H had recently dropped the bomb, was living in the spare bedroom, was still speaking to me as if I was a real person, and I had some hope for my marriage. A thousand posts later I have a new job with good hours but not the best salary. H has filed for divorce, never once wavering or looking back while running away from his marriage and me; I believe the word he's used with friends is "resolute." He's playing out the script for MLC right down to the financial irresponsibility, but I'm in the process of protecting myself and D12 from that legally. He has an apartment across town, closer to OW than to D. I don't know where he stands in terms of pursuing Episcopal priesthood; initially he was full on with it in spite of having an affair, but has been attending church with less regularity.

After 5 months (bomb anniversary is 10/18)I have next to no hope for our marriage. If H walked through the door tomorrow and appeared to have come out of the fog or the tunnel or whatever he's in, I'd want my own separation. After being together 17 years, the only thing I can count on from H is abandonment and self-absorption. What I can count on from myself in this relationship is losing myself trying to meet everyone's needs and ignoring my own to the point I don't even know what they are. And the subsequent resentment. I might give things a serious try, after some even more serious prayer and counseling, for D's sake. But it certainly wouldn't be "happily ever after." More like teeny tiny itsy bitsy baby steps.

I do have some great new friends and sources of support in a place I never knew existed! I still have my faith--nothing's changed there. I still have friends, perhaps not as many, but all the good ones. I trust that someday I will experience joy again, and that life will be more than very consciously putting one foot in front of the other and reminding myself to breathe. I think--I hope--the worst is behind me. One more hurdle and I'll have the divorce behind me and the healing can begin.

[BeingMe]

You do have a lot to be thankful for, despite the pain of your H's betrayal. Especially your D12! Of course, I realise that you know this, but it bears the repeating for you and for me and everyone else.

Take care.

[hoosiermama]

Yes, you're right. And I try hard to remember that every day. Some days are better for that than others....

[karen43]

Hey, Hoosier! Thanks for dropping by my thread. It sounds like you are kind of in a place like I am. Rope is dropped. Not even worrying if there will ever be any reason for me to pick it up again.

My H has been resolute through all of this also. He was so convinced he used to tell me of how everything will be great after the D, everyone will be happier, H will have more money, more time, anything you can think of, basically life will be perfect after D. I still think at some point the WAS will have to face reality, realize that D won't solve all their problems, we're not the reason for all their problems, etc. But who knows!!! Karen

[hoosiermama]

Yes, still the same script. Everything will be wonderful. D12 will be happier. He also wanted me to promise in the beginning that it wouldn't get ugly, that we'd do mediation peacefully, that we'd remain friends. If that isn't having his cake and eating it too....Looking like a good guy, crummy wife so demoralized she goes along with whatever he wants, got his own bachelor pad, plenty of $$ and his D half the time, the perfect relationship with his "soulmate." What could be better? Sound familiar?

Ahhh, today I got the proposal from H's attorney in the mail (sent by my attorney). It's absolutely absurd. It proposes 50/50 custody with no child support, splitting all bills 60/40. He makes more than twice as much as I do; during school vacations I will not get paid at all. So under this plan, I will have ~$225/month discretionary $ after bills; that will include my and D's cell phones, groceries, gas, medication, and everything else. It will leave H ~$3000 discretionary cash/month. Now this is the man I supported financially the first 3 years of our marriage. It was me who had the money for the down payment on our house. I entered the marriage completely debt-free and with a comfortable nest egg in the bank. I'm leaving it living paycheck to paycheck with a ton of debt. I know this is just the first point of negotiation, but it's so incredibly insulting that he thinks this would be acceptable to me--him living quite comfortably, me living hand to mouth, and me being a part-time parent. Gosh, H, why don't I just slash my wrists as part of the settlement so I'll be completely out of the picture and your life can be so perfect.

He's had it all his way so far. I've had virtually no options in all of this. He decides how much money he's going to "give" me and when and I'm supposed to make it stretch and not bother him. I think this is where reality is going to sink in for my H, that he doesn't get to call all the shots any more, that he may have to make some sacrifices in his new perfect life. He's living a delusion, and for 5 months it's held up for him. It's about time that bubble pops.

[goldeylox]

Mama, why does he have a L if the plan was to use a mediator? When I hired a mediator last year (when I walked the first time) it was with the understanding that we would be able to avoid the expense of an expensive divorce. He drew up the agreement, all we had to do was file it w/ the court & pay fees. In my state/county, there are a few minor adminstrative hurdles, but in a nutshell, after a couple of mandatory 'parenting meetings' you are divorced in 90 days. Cost, less than $5K.
Do you have a mediator? Or have you retained your own L? Peace.

[hoosiermama]

I have my own L. We don't have a mediator. I think he misunderstands the process, besides he wants it over asap. I think it's a little more complicated than that in Indiana, and the time frame is 60 days. He hasn't mentioned a mediator since the beginning. And I'm definitely asking that he pay my attorney fees, since this is all his idea and I don't want it anyway. Well, I pretty much do at this point, but you know what I mean.

[hoosiermama]

ps--yes, we have the mandatory parenting class also. To this point, I haven't had the money to sign up for it.

[hoosiermama]

~^~

[Nutty Chick]

He's living a delusion, and for 5 months it's held up for him. It's about time that bubble pops.

You have to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your daughter financially and emotionally.

If that pops his bubble then so be it.

Quite frankly you will be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Good Luck.

Nutty x