My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

[fisherman]

sorry to be so short BSC. Remeber emotions + decisions = not good.

Do you know for sure? Your imagination will take you to places that are not real.

The general rule is NOT to do anything for a while. Take time to calm down. remenber act as if for now. Watch your tone of voice, body language,expressions.

Let things play out for a few days. This happens a lot and it sucks big time. I'm sorry. Lots of others going throught it and making it work. You have a few questions to ask yourself and think about if it is true.

I posted to Jeff about this as well. I wish I had more time but I got to get back to work. I'll be dropping back in as soon as I get home.

Talk soon,
T

[BSC]

T

No I do not know for sure. I am trying to stay grounded and think of all the possibilities both good and bad. But more and more it seems that with the lies and deception the PA may be inevitable.

It is so hard to stay as if with the possiblity in my mind of what she could have been doing today. But I will focus focus focus for the next hour or so, and when I get home I will be that rock.

Patience X 10000000000000000000.

[fisherman]

BSC,

Did you see the post to you by Jack 3 Beans?? If you have not, go read it now, its on the last page (bottom). It's blunt, you may think its a little harsh. It's exactly what you need to hear and follow.

DO NOT for a second think about doing any thing dumb to that @$$ bag OM. YOUR KIDS NEED YOU right now. You are the only one that is "with it" at the moment. Got it.

What you must understand is that your W is ill right now, thats not her. She is not capable of having a real R with ANYONE.

You do need to ask yourself, if you can forgive her. In sickness and in health Bro. If you can't thats ok, some can't. I think you can, but I'll never judge you. You and only you can choose.

It's all or nothing / in or out. This can go either way.

I would suggest you not go around telling others about this. You will not like most of their advice, and if your W does come to her senses it's that much harder for BOTH of you to deal with. Come hear with it.

I have been in your shoes and did some stupid things. Trust me You need to find a way to vent, You can't take anything out on her. ACT AS IF your happy. It's F'd up but thats what has to happen. Any negativity will only serve to push her to him. You have got to dig DEEP. You can do this if you choose. It's one of the hardest things you will ever do. In the end no matter what, you will not even recognize who you once were. It WILL make you that better of a person.

What they have is S%#T. It's not going to last.(almost never does)

I am here for you, and so are others, stay on point put things into perspective and be a father to your kids. Take some time
to calm down and think before you do anything. You can do it!
I'll be looking for ya on and off tonight.

T

[SirPrizeMe]

BSC, it happens. PA's happen.
Doesn't mean anything. It's not any different than the way she has been treating you. It's not a new level. It's the same old stuff.

And T is right - these things do not last. It is not just a story we tell ourselves to calm ourselves down. That kind of relationship does not last. You have only downside in reacting to it. There is no upside.

My wife was so hot for her guy, and after it was exposed and all of her friends and family looked at her like she was from Mars, it stopped. It was the secrecy that made it delicious. Once the scandal was gone, she gave it up.

They are all bonkers. My wife filed for divorce, lodged all sorts of false allegations. Now we are settling. She is now calling it a "nightmare." this idea of hers, her creation, her solution to all the problems, is now a nightmare.

go figure.

It takes time. Give it time. Stay cool, man!

[Jeff3]

Hey BSC

I feel for you as well, It's tough no to think about, but you have to find a way not to. Keep busy!!!!! Most of all get some sleep, I found when I couldn't sleep I got more anxious and made poor decisions. I take sleep aids once in a while I don't want to rely on them but I know that I deal better when rested. I found the advice about being positive I felt better. Listen to T and Sir it is good stuff. I haven't confronted my W she will just lie anyway and it will only make the situation more toxic and way too emotional. Remember that You are her best option!!!!



Jeff

[BSC]

Hey everyone, I have two problems with the possibility of PA. First is that I am not 100% sure but I am probably 90% now. The other is that I really truly don't know if I can forgive her. I don't want to ruin my kids lives and sell our house and all that stuff, that makes me want to try and wait it out. But I don't know if I can ever forgive her for what she is doing to me. I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again.

How do I summons the strength. Time will tell I guess. She goes to see her T tomorrow so maybe the guilt will come out and she will admit to me. Who knows, who cares I guess.

[fisherman]

BSC,

Hey man, I know exactly how you feel right now, and to be honest.....that is a decision that YOU have to make.

To stand or to fall....it is your choice. Nobody can do that for you. But help will always be here for you either way.

DB'ing isn't about saving your marriage.....it's about saving yourself, and you need to do that so you can see the light from both sides before you affect the lives of other people.

You have to be the adult there for your children, and when your head is clogged.....you cannot be that rock for them. There are things out there.....things that you are not aware of on the other side.....the dark side so to speak..Things to help you see clearly. I'm not pushing you, but the signs are there if you follow them.

Maybe you should think about it....You have to be the memory today,,,that you want your children to have tomorrow.

So what if she is having a PA....will it change your interactions with the kiddies? Are they really getting a piece of her soul....or are they just getting her body for a short time?

Think about it.......I'm here for you.........Trapt

[Jeff3]

BSC

What T says is true DBing is about saving yourself. This is my second marriage and the second PA (I married the same type of woman ).. The first time I was angry and bitter. This time I started off the same way and found this website. I have been able to handle things much better. Whatever happens you will come out the other side with dignity and self respect because you are trying to do the right thing. Whatever you do don't think about your W and OM it will eat you up( trust me) Remember THOUGHT STOPPING, and keep on GALing.

Go Leafs Go

Jeff

[SirPrizeMe]

I have this sort of strange view of things that I Want to share with you, BSC.

My view is, an affair hurts the participant, more than the LBS.
I mean that.

Right now she is hurting. She is eaten up inside for what she has done. One day she was a innocent child, a beautiful person with a white soul. Then the next day she was a cheater. A liar. unfaithful. And no matter what she cannot escape that. It stalks her. First thing in the morning, she remembers "I cheated." Last thing before going to sleep "I lied to my husband."

If you are visibly hurt, it makes it worse. She cannot come back to a slobbering mess of a man.


But I don't know if I can ever forgive her for what she is doing to me. I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again.
If you cannot forgive her, you don't *deserve her*.

[Dawn of Hope]

BSC,
I know where you are in this mess. I don't know if I can forgive my H either. We both waited for our wedding night (I was almost 26, he was 28, and we had dated for almost 7 years--yep, it got a little crazy there for a while! ), so to my knowledge this is the first instance of either of us breaking that closed circle of sex within our marriage only, and it is devastating. I don't know if it is easier for people who were with someone else before marriage or were sexually involved with each other before marriage. Probably not easier by much, would be my guess.

I think that whether we can ever forgive our adulterous spouses for what they have done is not a question that has to be settled immediately. Obviously it has to happen eventually for the M to be restored. My feeling about this is that it is something I know I have to do sooner or later...not so much for him, as for MYSELF. If for no other reason, I believe that it is necessary for me to forgive him (and anyone else) in order for God to forgive me for all of the stuff I have done wrong, and to answer my prayers. I haven't figured out how to do it yet, but there are books and websites and such about it, and there is of course the faith angle, if that applies to you (as it does to me). I pray about this all the time. Several people on this board have told me that it took them a long time to reach the stage of forgiveness, so I don't feel so bad about not being there yet.

I think I would find it easier to forgive him if he showed a lot of remorse (haven't seen an iota of it so far). But I need to be able to do so regardless of what he does...FOR MYSELF. I read somewhere that people think forgiveness is about the person who did whatever it was, but it is actually about untying knots in ONESELF.

I will say that my H did something along these lines 7 years ago, although I never had any evidence it was a full-fledged PA (was definitely an EA, though). He ended it immediately when I found out about it, although he didn't discontinue seeing her completely--they still bowl on the same team every week. I was just emotionally wrecked when I found out, even believing it wasn't a PA. H had to take a knife away from me and hide my keys at one point, because I was so suicidal. (I had gone on ADs right before I found out, and it took a bit of time before they kicked in and I felt better.) You'll love this little irony...the knife he took away from me, when he found me stroking my wrist with the blade, belonged to OW#1--the one he had just ended the A with. It was in H's possession because he took it away from *her* earlier in their A, for the same reason.

I did eventually forgive him and start trusting him again, but it took about three years, and a lot of therapy, both IC and MC. I did stop talking about the OW at all in his presence about the time we finished MC, about two years after the EA ended. I never said a word about her AT ALL in the four years between then and bomb #2, even though he mentioned her regularly because of their bowling nights together, except very briefly when telling H I was NOT going to her wedding. I am forced to see her from time to time...had to sit next to her at the last wedding we attended. UGH!! Can you say "Oscar-level performance"?

I also want to say that if I hadn't been through that EA situation seven years ago, and learned that I could live through that, as intensely painful as it was, I don't think I would have made it this far through this current sitch, which is far worse than the first one. That experience may have toughened me just enough to keep me from completely going around the bend and killing myself.

Wow, I really have digressed here...I'm sorry, I hope you don't feel hijacked! I just thought it might help you to get a bit of perspective. If it helps you at all, great, I have done what I set out to do. If not...just ignore. The main point I want to get across is that it may be a while before you can forgive her, so don't be too quick to label it "END OF GAME" if you can't do it immediately. I find that as I sit with my thoughts and feelings, day in and day out, and pray about it all, eventually the emotional turbulence settles, I am able to dive deep into that calm center of my soul, and I become clearer on what I am supposed to be doing for now. I do wish you clarity and insight on your journey.

Blessings and peace,
Dawn