Sandi's advice is gold! Thanks for finding my thread. I have to admit I've moved to T2L's camp, come join us anytime!
Looking great makes a huge difference, I think. It's all part and parcel of the same theme-we're still moving forward. I wear a perfume that he first bought for me years ago, and I know he remembers it. I think smelling good is a really powerful tool. Probably gets your W thinking, wants to get closer to you.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you for the holidays. Today is only Nov 7th, and you were the best Sam you could be today. Keep up the good work.
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
I'll check out that thread! Thank you for your encouragement! It really helps!
About looking great, she's lost a tremendous amount of weight (close to 70lbs over the last 1.5 years!!), so she looks fantastic! I have lost quite a bit of weight myself over the last year also, close to 30lbs, and she's let some comments slip every once in a while, so I know she notices it. It's like she doesn't want to say it too much but sometimes it just slips out as a reply to something I have said. But I catch it and know that she noticed.
My W had invited me to her art show, the one she had to prepare for yesterday. This afternoon she texts me "It starts @ 6, when will you be here?" and I reply so and so late and ask if I need to bring anything and she replies "Perfect! Nope, I already have everything! :-)". I arranged for a babysitter a couple of days ago and did not tell her. When I arrived I walked in and she noticed me, smiled and walked over and gave me a hug, right in front of everybody. I had set my expectations super low and did not anticipate a hug or anything remotely close to a display of affection, especially in front of all her friends, so that was a nice surprise! She asked where the boys were and I joked that I just put a movie on and they'll be fine until I get back. SHe laughed and thanked me for geting a babysitter. Don't really know why, they are always with me on Fridays, so it's my responsability. I told her that I thought she (and I) would enjoy the evening better without having to police the boys the whole time. She agreed.
Most of the time I was there, I just talked to everybody and was having a good time. I did not talk to my W barely at all, just everybody else. Our mutual friends seemed to enjoy seeing me again and hearing from me, so that was nice. When it became time to leave, I told her that I was leaving and she walked me to the door and outside and we talked for a bit in private. She asked me if I liked it and I said that I thought her art is wonderful, that I enjoyed myself and that it was nice show/party. During the show she introduced me to a couple our age with small children that she met not too long ago and she asked me what I thought of them and wouldn't it be great to hang out with them. I told her that I couldn't agree more, they are a great couple we would get along with great!
Then she reached out for a hug, so we hugged and usually she will give me a kiss afterwards, but she didn't. In the past, I have sometimes initiated and given her a kiss in those cases, but I had set my expectations low and did not think she would kiss me anyways in front of all her fiends, so I didn't either. I am thinking maybe she wanted to see if I would try to kiss her. Anyways, I am giving that WAAYYY too much thought.
Just wanted to post that I am proud of how I did today! No clinging to my W for her attention, I showed all of her friends that I am a great, interesting guy that knows how to enjoy himself. And all of this right in front of her. I looked my best, wore the shirt she got for me a while ago that she said looked good on me, shaved, put some aftershave on that she got me, did not pursue and give her a kiss... One of her complaints about me was that I did not show any interest in her art shop, in that sense it was a perfect 180. So in summary, if you can't tell, I feel really good about how I handled the situation tonight.
Sam! You did great last night! You showed W how much her art meant to you, looked nice, interacted positively with everyone. That really got her thinking. I think her mentioning that couple was a safe, small "olive branch" extended to you, that wouldn't induce R talk but would still give her an idea of where you stand, so to speak. And, you responded perfectly. Very casual, focused on the couple she mentioned and not the two of you.
As far as the kiss goes, I think her hug was a "thank you" for the evening. I bet she has a lot to think about, and maybe didn't trust herself to kiss you tonight You DB'd like a champ. You exuded confidence. I am really proud of you!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Just checking in on you. Sounds like the art show was a step in the right direction for you. Who really knows what is going on in your W's mind and heart, but from what you've described over that last few days, she does seem to be trying to connect with you, and that's a good thing, I would think!
And you handled yourself well! Let her make all the moves. That's something I'm struggling with right now, so I know how hard it is, but I think you did great! Good for you, keep it up!
I know how you feel about the holidays. For me, my sitch is just too new for me to have any hope for this year. My H has said flat out that he wouldn't be making any decisions before the end of the year, so I know this is going to be an awkward season for us. My only hope is that missing our usual traditions with the kids will spark something in my H, but I have to keep reminding myself to not get my hopes up too high. You've been dealing with this a lot longer, though, and while I think you need to keep your expectations low, too, you are seeing positive signs, so who knows? It's up to her, and you can't control that, so just make your holidays the best they can be for YOU, no matter what happens.
Keep hanging in there, I think you're doing well!
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
I think her mentioning that couple was a safe, small "olive branch" extended to you, that wouldn't induce R talk but would still give her an idea of where you stand, so to speak.
Don't really understand what you mean with this. Do you mean to check whether I still want us to hang out together with other couples? That would be fairly forward looking and thus good!
Thanks for the encouragement! I am seeing little babysteps all the time, so I am feeling positive.
We went to a concert on Saturday night and had dinner before it started. On the way there in the car, we had a nice relaxed conversation, nothing serious and no working to keep the conversation going. Over the last couple of weeks, it feels more and more like old times, where we would just talk and talk and time just flies by. No more awkward silences and stuff. So it feels good to me!
{I need to tell a little sidenote about her engagement ring before I continue: since she had lost so much weight, she couldn't wear her rings at all, they would just fall off. In May, for our anniversary, I did something pretty risky (knowing DB) and got her engagement ring resized and gave it back to her. I told her that I wanted her to have the ring and be able to wear it because it symbolizes my promise to her that still stands. I did not get her wedding ring resized because I thought that would be too much.}
So to get back to what happened last Sat: During dinner, we had more great conversations, we just enjoyed talking about the food and how good it was, all kinds of other things, how her business is going, etc.. I noticed during dinner that she actually was wearing her engagement ring again. Now, she has worn it before, every once in a while she will wear it when we go on a date or sometimes even at other times. But not that often, so it is special and does mean something to me. She was also wearing a couple of other rings that I had given her over the years. So I do get the feeling she's trying to do things, wear things, and think of things that she thinks will revive her feelings for me... that's what it looks like to me!
She has a small tattoo on her inside wrist, which is after a piece of art. My mom had taken her to an exhibition during the summer of 2007 of that artist and she said, out of the blue, that the tattoo reminds her of my mom. Again, it seems to me she's trying really hard. I just don't know if it's working....
Here's another one: She had said a few weeks ago that she wears a certain perfume because it reminds her of the city where my parents live (overseas). That is where I took her on her first trip with me overseas.
I guess my mind is just trying to run out in front of the train along the tracks and hoping that's where she's heading and I can't wait for her to pick up the pace and get closer. I just need to not do that and follow with her at HER pace. I am getting encouraged by her behaviour though and get impatient sometimes. On the other hand, giving her unconditional love and maintaining distance becomes easier, because I don't have as strong an urge to pursue.
Then on the flipside, she's still talking about picking out a color to paint the boys room in her apartment.... Sounds like she's still thinking about staying a while...
Hi Sam I am happy for you. Your baby steps are getting more frequent. I have to agree with you. I think the wedding ring may be too much for now. Trust your gut instinct....!! Keep up the good work and stay patient....!! More good signs will come.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Yes, I think it was her barometer to see if you felt as positive about the evening, like she did. And, yes, I think she is starting to make plans with you in her mind. That's really good progress. She wants to include you in her future.
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
That's what I am doing the most. I keep in mind the most important principles of DB and then try different things to see what effect it has. For example, going really dark doesn't work in my sitch. (It also would be almost impossible to do becasue of the boys) I think it's because I have been ignoring her in the years I was depressed and that's how she got where she's now. For the most, I am just trying to let her do what she feels like doing. I DO extend invitations to join me and our children to do stuff or come over for dinner or just to hang out and watch TV. The hard part is not to feel rejected when she declines, but I am getting better at it!!
I am feeling better lately with all the babysteps that are coming. Thanks for checking in on me!
You DB'd like a champ. You exuded confidence. I am really proud of you!