I can't wait to get to that moment when I am happy again....I don't know what will bring it on, but i am more than ready. I have always been an idealist and I cannot imagine ever being happy knowing my kids are living within a broken family...maybe when they grow up it will be better..but 6 years seem like a lifetime!
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
180's. Opportunities to do something different. Normally I don't do much on Halloween, I just enjoy my kids. Well today I went and got a costume - a monk's robe, because I have been living like a monk for the past year. And I decorated my own house, for the first time, for Halloween trick-or-treaters. Got some spooky music. A fog machine. A red light to replace the white light on the porch. A good portion of spider webs. One of those candy bowls with the skeleton hand that grabs you. And a bunch of carved pumpkins my kids and I made. It was pretty scary for the little ones.
Trials. In trials we learn who we really are.
little signs of encouragement. sometimes just enough to keep going.
My company has trick-or-treating at work. So I asked the wife if the kids could come to work, and she agreed! A big surprise I was thankful for the other day. Well today when she dropped the kids off, I met them in my monk's robe. My son didn't even recognize me. Ha! We all went around together, it was nice to make the rounds.
I dropped them off a couple hours later, they were full of candy and sweets. I thought that was the last I would see them for 4 days. I took a photo of them in their costumes. Then I went to my place and set up for trick-or-treating.
After I was all set up, and darkness fell, I sat on my front porch wearing my robe and hood, with the smoke and howling music and red light and spider webs, and the 5 carved pumpkins. I sat in my chair and drank a porter as I greeted all the trick or treaters. Some of the little ones were very worried. I kept having to take my hood off because they really were unsure about the whole thing. The parents were all amused, a bunch told me it was really good.
The air was still, so the fog hung around my house, all the way down the walk and into the road. The effect was really good. I heard the kids on the street talking about "that haunted house." Funny thing was, I spent only about $40 on everything because it was all on sale as I bought it at the last minute.
Anyway, as the night wore on the traffic started thinning out. A bunch of kids came up and what a surprise, it was my own kids! Ha! I wasn't expecting THAT! How nice!
Wife had driven them over - she lives about 3 or 4 miles away. Remember, she has a protection order against me. And she has protected the kids, too - I am not allowed near them except during the times she's agreed, although we are negotiating that away. Well tonight we forgot about all that crap. She drove them over and they ran up and were delighted to see all the decorations and especially the fog.
When we were carving pumpkins the other night, my 6-yr old had done a bunch of sketches of pumpkin faces, like maybe 20 of 'em. Some of them were really good. I took one of them and reproduced it exactly in a pumpkin: googly eyes and a big toothy grin. She came up and was so pleased to see it. I told her I loved her drawing so much that I wanted to use it on my pumpkin. She took the sketch and compared for a long time. What a great feeling, to be able to pay her that compliment. She was in a great mood, giggly and playful.
All of them were. My (almost) 12-yr old told me my place was the spookiest place they had seen all night. They kept calling to their mum to come up on the porch, to see the decorations and their pumpkins and the fog machine and everything. She was like that wild horse, coming close but still wary, skittish. I stepped away from the porch for a moment to let her come closer to see. The kids couldn't figure out why she wouldn't come up. "I can see from here," she said from ten feet away.
They wanted me to go trick-or-treating with them, but their mom was out there, and I am still restrained, so I just stayed on the porch. Told them I needed to stay put for the trick-or-treaters. They went by themselves for about 5 minutes but came right back.
After that the kids just hung out on the porch for 20 minutes with me, fiddling with the fog machine and making spooky faces. My six yesr old became a "zombie princess." Wife stayed in the road or sat in the car, not sure what. She was a "ghost", heh heh. Not really. she didn't dress up at all.
Anyway it was a blast of a night.
We are in the 11th hour here on the divorce process - nearing final settlement. I don't know if she will change her mind, I certainly don't expect it. I am broke. I live in a rental house and I have no furniture. But I am learning to have fun without her, and getting pretty good at it!
I can't wait to get to that moment when I am happy again....I don't know what will bring it on, but i am more than ready. I have always been an idealist and I cannot imagine ever being happy knowing my kids are living within a broken family...maybe when they grow up it will be better..but 6 years seem like a lifetime!
Careful! Your kids only get one childhood. If you view it tragically, you can poison it for them. Don't. It is the only one they have, so make the best of it.
It is useless to compare their childhood to your childhood, or some other childhood that they don't have. It's not fruitful.
And "when they grow up" it does not magically "get better." When they are 18 away at college and their parents are still apart, it can still be awkward and painful. This is when I met my wife and she hated her father. I remember talking to her and she told me about how little regard she had for her dad. I couldn't understand it (because I was comparing to MY dad). On graduation day her parents were together for the first time in ages, and my wife was sick the entire day. Nerves, I think. It doesn't magically "get better".
The kids' childhood can be as good as you make it. Start today.
Last thing, regarding I cannot imagine ever being happy knowing my kids are living within a broken family... This is a common sentiment I read here. Parents are despondent because of what they think their kids are experiencing. Get out of their heads. It is their business. It is not a tragedy to the kids. It is just a circumstance. It is sad for YOU, I get that. You are comparing fond memories of your childhood to a worst-case future scenario you've imagined for them. You are not gonna win that game.
It is your inner victim who says "I cannot imagine ever being happy if xyz...." Yes, you're hurt. I get it. I'm sorry. But you are called to be happy, regardless.
I know, I know... it's hard. It's not what you wanted. It shouldn't have to be this way. It's not fair to them. This doesn't make sense. etc etc etc Yes, I know. I had all those thoughts too. and it's probably all true. And still, none of those excuses matter.
Do me a favor, go find Rudyard Kipling's poem, "If". Read it, post it on your fridge. Live it.
Sir--that sounds absolutely wonderful! So glad you had a great day and night with the kids. And you sure did it up right!!
You inspire me! To go and really do up Halloween like that--that's fantastic!! Sounds like you have a new tradition. And look what all that positivity attracted!
I am thankful for--you!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
As I sat here and read what a good time u had w/ yr kids, I became teary (first time in a while) for I didnt have my kids this year and wont for the next two big holidays (first time).
Sir, I just read the poem you suggested. Haven't read it since high school. Beautiful words to live by. You are one of a kind, my friend. I am privileged to "know" you.
benefits at work - it includes a health club membership. I spent the morning at the club. (I just realized this is sort of a repeat from my list from the first day I wrote my list!)
Bob Marley - Waiting in Vain, Three Little Birds, People Get Ready. All his music is so up. All he sings about is peace, love redemption. And his story is amazing. His mother was a poor 18-yr old Jamaican and his father was a 50-yr old British (I think?) navy officer. But the father was never around. He grew up in a shantytown in Kingston, Jamaica. It was called "Trenchtown" because it was built right on top of the trench that drained sewage out of the city. This is where he grew up! Can you imagine? He poured so much heart into his music. And did you know he died at just 36? of cancer. Amazing.
This place - everyone here has helped me along so much. Especially in the early days, but even today. Just reading other people's stories is enough to realize that you are not alone. And I have learned so much from other people's experiences.
Omelettes - my specialty is an omelette with 3 egg whites, a little bacon or pancetta, spinach, onions, kalamata olives and some goat cheese. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I just had one of these.
orthopeodic surgeons - I went running this morning, I think it was the first time I went for a real run since my knee surgery. It worked! no pain. I had run previously on the treadmill, for just 10 minutes, trying out the knee. So far so good. So I am resolved to wake up earlier and go for a jog in the neighborhood, 2 or 3 times a week from now on. No excuses. I'm thinkin' I could finish at the coffee shop as a little reward. And then it's just a short walk to my house.
I am thinking about getting a guitar. My (almost) 12-yr old has a guitar but doesn't play so much any more. I always wanted to learn, and this might be something cool for us to do together. I've spoken to a bunch of people already about how to pick a guitar.
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ps: I've been doing this "I am thankful for..." just about every day for 2 weeks now. It's workin' for me.
