About two years ago my husband and I moved cross country for his job. We had a new house and baby. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The move was good, but had some stresses. We could not sell our old house, hastily bought a new one, and I was adjusting to not working, leaving family and friends. All pressures fell on my husband's shoulders and we were all alone.
We've always had a great, strong relationship. He came from broken home. Parents unreliable, with both essentially abandoning him as a child. He was a delinquent teenager, had to deal with an evil stepmom, etc. I thought he had risen above these issues.
With the added stresses we would fight more than usual. One resulted in my husband saying sometimes he can't handle the marriage and felt he did not always love me the same. He was afraid our marriage would only get worse.
I tried to make things better for him, but he began to regress. He started putting up walls, becoming introverted, hanging out more with friends and drinking.
We tried counseling. He was committed to making things work. He always expressed he didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. He was constantly confused. We established there was/is no one else and I believe all that would have come out in the wash.
After a couple months, I concluded he may be suffering from depression. After three good counseling sessions and one bad weekend, he said he was done with the marriage. He had become unreliable, selfish and increased drinking. He was hanging out with much younger coworkers and ditching his family responsibilities.
Unfortunately, I could not fathom being alone. We agreed to work on ourselves and decided I would need to move back home with our daughter. He said he needed to try and "get better." He agrees he does not want to be rash with his feelings and began individual therapy. I have asked many times in anger, etc. if he does want a divorce now, and he says he wants to go to therapy and see what happens.
So now we are eleven weeks into our separation. My daughter and I are back west. He is tortured with being lonely, but continues to go out and drink. I trust him when he says he is faithful and not in that frame of mind. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he is enjoying therapy and it does seem that he is coming to some realizations. He waffles and says he sees a light at the end of the tunnel but doesn't know what it means and then says (when angry) he doesn't want to be my husband.
On top of this, my company offered me my old job back and due to an uncertain future I took it. He is actually accepting a job transfer in Albuquerque to be closer. He says if we get back together we will make it all work.
I still believe he is faithful to our relationship and realizes another person would only complicate his already stressed out life. He is very close to his sister. She and I have been speaking throughout this. She spoke with him and confirms this from his conversation. She said she knows he respects me and our marriage too much to do something like that. Plus he is leaving town in three weeks...
I have asked her if he is OK with this big move coming up. She said he sounds good, excited and even a little relieved. I mentioned I am getting the feeling he realizes he needs to get away from this environment.
She agreed. She said he thinks about the situation more than he lets on, does not go out as much as he lets on. She also said he thinks it will be quieter in his new town, less to do. Less distraction. In so many words he said this move will allow him the opportunity to really think about things without distractions of friends, etc. I told her I don't know what to do with this information, but I feel good about it and it validates things. She does believe with his history he doesn't believe he can fix what was "wrong" with our marriage. She thinks he would want to if he could. She gently urges me to move on, but she still has hope for us. He even tells her, you never know we could get back together even if we divorced.
Lately, he is going out of his way to reach out. Calling to talk to our daughter and then speaking to me, emailing me with random topics, commenting on my own facebook photos with our daughter and me in them. He has called me in the early am four days in a row. That makes a week of emails and call in the morning. Not sure what to make of this, but I take them as positive signs, but not trying to read too much.
Then on the flip side he can be somewhat rude.
I am doing my part to leave him alone. I don't go out of my way to talk with him about anything but business.
The funny thing is that with his issues, if I act or tell him I don't care, I know that would be like a dagger to him. He has acted hurt before when I have expressed this, even after all that has happened. I think it still stems from his abandonment issues, and the pain of thinking I don't care anymore.
My therapist feels that based on some of his statements, he believes I would be there waiting if he changes his mind. I need to show him this is not the case by just leaving him alone and acting like I don't care.
As you can see, this is a long story. There are many holes to fill. He is confused and continuously confusing me. I just need advice on how to deal with all of this. Our foundation allows us to continue a close, friendly relationship. I believe my husband cares very deeply for me. I am just not sure why he is doing this. He said he is has not fixed the issues in his head yet. He also believes sometimes he does not deserve my love. All this hurts. I feel in the end, I believe he broke our marriage, I am not sure if I want him back, and that he is destroying his life. I am not sure if this will work itself out, I try to come to the realization I need to move on, but it is so hard after nine years of being together.
Thank you for reading... if you have made it this far.
