Reading now, and more confused, I think!

[diane74]

I decided to start a new thread because I really want some input here. My husband is back in 4 days, and although we also have a lot of family coming, I do want to do something while hes home. Need a starting point at least. ( Hope this is OK )

( Ive been reading the books btw )

I have to say, these books and this forum have really gotten me messed up lately. I'm not sure if I'm totally missing the point, or if I am for the first time " getting " it! Which scares the living day lights out of me. I think I have perhaps realized it's either this, or I need to move on. Which means I have a decision to make. This is what I have come up with so far....

1)Here, and in the books, it seems there is a common theme per say. Which is in order to " start " on the right path, or phases, which ever way you want to put it: you need to show your spouse true change of sorts. Meaning stop all the things you were doing that were unintentionally halting any real kind of healing. I did that, for sure. NOT 5 years ago, but I can truly say for 3 years now I have been that spouse. I have had my set backs, and I can count them on one hand. But who doesn't have a bad day. ( especially after a year of NOTHING!Or 2 ) Those were always followed by a calm conversation where I would explain where it came from, and why, and the fact it was wrong on my part. But here's the thing pertaining this : STILL NOTHING! If you were to walk up to my husband right now, and ask him, : Hows your marriage? " I can 100% say, he would think its GREAT! WE do not fight, we get along great, he kisses and holds hands, and cuddles. He loves to touch and just loves me, I can tell. BUT, I'm not asking for sex, so life is good in his eyes.

2) Getting him on board: Just don't see it happening. And I think in reading these books, I'm tired......... ( I'll explain that.) I'm just fed up, and I'm not sure I'm OK with all this work that was done ( with nothing in return ), and now maybe needs to start again. Seems selfish, I know. I feel selfish, I really do. Can that be OK? I'm really thinking at this point,I want to take my husband for a walk, and just talk turkey with him. Tell him how I have been feeling and what I have found and read. That the ball is in his court now. I feel done, and I haven't even truly started.

3) In my situation, I think I'm doubly hindered because of the time we have together. Which poses a big problem. Out of sight, out of mind will kill it for sure. Especially for him. As most know, my H works away, and is home 8 days at a time, so this will be hard. But I'm wondering if you have any ideas to maybe adjust the phases for someone like me. Who has to either cram it in 8 days, or do something long distance.

I was reading cinco's thread, and felt EXACTLY as he said in one of his latest posts. Where he seemed fed up as I have been. Which seems wrong to me. Why do we fight so hard for something it seems our spouses don't want.

Then there's the issue where I'm not sure I can get over the hurt. I'm not really sure it's too late, and I want SEX, but I don't think I want it from him......... Eeekk I use to look at him, and had stars in my eyes, I'd get excited just seeing him in a specific shirt. Now I think; " omg, not sure I ever can again." I'm wondering if it's not too late. That all these years have passed, and I'm just over it, over him.( maybe )

I'm not sure what I'm even asking here. I think I already know the answer. It just may be get over myself, or leave!

[Bagheera]

Heya Diane,

Here is my input;

If you are really and truly at the point where you cannot do anything more WITHOUT his being on board and working with you, then I think that you owe him a very frank and honest discussion. He needs to know this. He needs to know that his marriage is at stake. He needs to know that if he fails to take action, then he will lose you permanently. He needs to know exactly how you are feeling and where he stands with you. He can't take appropriate action without a true assessment of the situation. He needs to know the exact price he will pay for inaction on his part.

Delivering such a message will require some quiet time, away from kids and family and other distractions, and you will have to be able to remain calm and matter-of-fact throughout -- even if he becomes angry and defensive, DO NOT do the same. He will probably criticize and blame YOU for the problem, and he will not be able to understand why the hell you can't just be happy with the current arrangement -- why are you stirring things up?! Stick to the FACTS, and don't blame, criticize, or get angry in return. Simply stick to your guns and make sure he gets the message loud and clear from you.

Also, don't be too fatalistic about the fact that you're having a hard time desiring him right now -- that's a symptom of your anger, resentment, and the extremely disconnected relationship that you have right now. If he works with you to reestablish that connection, and help you work through the anger and resentment, I have no doubt that your physical desire for him will return.

Just my thoughts (and short, for once)

-- B.

[ComfortablyNumb]

Hi,

It sounds like you are frazzled. I dealt with this with my wife and it was pure misery. Who wants to beg for sex? I'd rather just take care of myself and keep some self-respect.

I think you need to decide how important sex is to you. Could you be happy-content-whatever without having a good sex life? If you can't then you really need to state this to your husband.

You: "Husband I love you and care for you, but I cannot continue to live in a sexless marriage. What is your plan to get us into a pattern of regular toe-curling sex?" If you get that cricket-chirping silence, then I think you have your answer.

Are you willing to divorce your husband over this issue? You need to know that answer because if you put this out there the way I am suggesting you will need to follow through and take stages to begin to end this relationship if he refuses to address this issue.

I could be friends with my wife if we weren’t married and not having sex, but I couldn’t continue to be her husband and not have sex. Celibacy wasn’t what I signed up for when I married. And no amount of self-analysis could erase from me the desire to be sexual with my wife. It is one of my strongest needs and I was becoming someone I didn’t like much due to the resentment I felt.

CN


edited . . . It looks like Bag has a similar point of view (we must have been posting at the same time).

[DanceQueen]

I 100% agree with Bagheera, and I totally encourage you to just bite the bullet and have that very difficult conversation with him.

DQ

[Cinco]

Diane,

In true DB style, as frustrating and fruitless the work seems to be, I know I must do it. Whether the outcome is a repaired happy marriage or leaving the marriage, I must do this. If I don't do everything that I can to at least try to fix my marriage one last time, I would look back with regret if I just walked out without giving it my all.

The first time I left I had not put any work into it trying to fix it. I was at the end of my rope and totally disconnected from her. I walked away. This left me with a lot of guilt and looking back it was part of the reason I was so easily drawn back when I thought she was ready to give us another chance. We never put in the work though and that's why we are back to our same old problems (SSM).

That being said, at some point our spouses must join us and do their part of the work too. I AM fed up, but I will still give this a year (next May) and then I can move forward with my life with or without her. God I hope she will join me, but if she doesn't I will have done all that I could and prepared myself for leaving if her choice is to not to join me.

Diane, only you can make the choice that is right for you and I know that it is a very difficult decision to make. I know how sad it feels to have this burden on us.

Cinco

[diane74]

OK, so decision made. Thanks you so much to all of you! I have decided that this trip home is the time to " talk!" At some point next week, I will get him alone and have this discussion with him. I have done this in the past, but I'm not sure I did it right. The last time I did this, I told him becoming a nun was a deal breaker in my eyes, and that me being a nun or faithful would NOT last. In hindsight, maybe I could have left the unfaithful part out. He listened and was respectful, but said nothing, and nothing changed. This time I will try and choose my words differently and see where it takes me.

But, this led to one hard question I have........ Bagherra, you said to NOT get into the fact that I'm not so much into him right now...... However, HOW do I get across that I don't want to come home and jump in bed. Here's the problem. We've had these discussions before, it leads to a week of sex. Maybe 3 times, then POOF, two years go by with nothing. THIS time, I want change first, I want it to last. No quick fix. So how do i tell him, this doesn't me I want him to suck it up, jump me, and then were back to square one. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't also want to be put in a position where I either have to turn him down ( which I'm sure would confuse him ) OR ML, and then he thinks I'm appeased and we go another 2 years. I won't do that again.

Hes home between the 17, and the 24. Watch for posts then, because Ill either be happy, confused, or climbing the walls.. lol

[DanceQueen]

Diane...I will give you my two cents about your Q to Bagheera and I hope he also answers your Q but...

The way you avoid him thinking he can hop into bed with you and "make nice"...without telling him you dont want sex with him...is to be honest, something like this:

"I do not want a quick fix, and I also do not just want sex. I want a long term solution for our problem, and nothing less than that will suffice. At this time it has been so long since we've had sex that I have finally stopped wanting just "sex". What I want is to repair our connection with each other first, and then go from there. I expect this will take counseling and time and effort, and it will not be fixed by just having sex".

DQ

[Cinco]

Diane... another 2 cents.

This time around with my wife I have stressed our connection with each other vs. just more sex (my old approach). What DQ is saying is a good way approach this.

Cinco

[Bagheera]

Greetings Diane,

I think we misunderstood each other. You had written:

Then there's the issue where I'm not sure I can get over the hurt. I'm not really sure it's too late, and I want SEX, but I don't think I want it from him......... Eeekk

So I wrote in return:

Also, don't be too fatalistic about the fact that you're having a hard time desiring him right now -- that's a symptom of your anger, resentment, and the extremely disconnected relationship that you have right now. If he works with you to reestablish that connection, and help you work through the anger and resentment, I have no doubt that your physical desire for him will return.

I was addressing how you currently feel, not whether or not or how you should bring this particular issue up with him.

As far as bringing this up with him goes, DQ has it right --> BE HONEST with him about it. Tell him that it's been so long and that you're so angry and resentful that you just can't immediately hop into bed with him -- he has a LOT of repair work to do first. Also, any attempts to just hop into bed immediately will be seen as an attempt to 'quick fix' the issue, rather than really working it: this is particularly true since he would only need to do that for a few days, and off to work he goes for another few weeks.

I personally think that the job separations plays a HUGE part in your current dynamic and lack of connection with your husband. I can easily remember my Navy days, coming home from a deployment, and rather than having a wife jump all over me (as most guys had), my wife would barely tolerate being touched by me at all for the first few days. Why? Because she felt so abandoned and disconnected while I was gone, that it took a few days for us to reconnect, get reaquanted, and to reestablish enough emotional closeness and intimacy between us to permit physical intimacy again. It's a common female trait: that necessity for emotional connection prior to the desire for physical connection. And with as many weeks of the year as you guys spend apart, that disconnect has turned into a gulf.

-- B.

[AllW8SBF]

I'm quite interested in the outcome. I am probably in your husbands situation, but I know there is a problem and has been but I don't have good connection with my feelings to express what I need to be able to have the connection hence the HD that my DH does. And I'm hoping that it's as everyone has said, the lack of connection with me, and his anger and resentment for not being so sexually open that has caused his lack of desire for me much as you have with your H.

I truly hope both you find a way back to each other so it give me hope.