Trying2Live-New Post #2

[Trying2live]

Hi guys looks look we hit a 100.

Hope glad you got the book. I think it would work well with you. Ask God to show what way to go. I was lead to that book although I implemented many different things from DR and other books.

Everyone, So I'm sorry I've been away so long. Was so busy over the last weekend. Was S9 bday weekend. Had football games and dad was present most of the weekend.
So Disneyland was really really nice. It was actually the best trip we have ever taken. Normally he's irritated, hates, crowds, and it looking back felt like he was just doing his duty and not enjoying us. Its the 1st time in 18 1/2 years he didn't complain or get mad the whole day. I'm speechless. Anyways he texted me the next day and said he had a great time.
So I talked to him for and hour and half on Friday. Casual conversation, I talk nothing about our relationship or the OW-ever. Talking about it can come off as needy and not confident so right now I'm acting as if I'm a good friend, with a little flirting. He says you can call me on my personal phone ya know. I say oh well I didn't want to make things hard for you. He says you cant I can do what I want I say ok well I dont have your #. He texts me the # and hour later. I say thanks, wow I have the # to the secret bat phone, maybe you should model the bat costume for me. He says I don't have one I say awe too bad and he says I'll have to look into that. I'm not sleeping with him, but I am flirting. It gives him something to think about. I have 2 1/2 more weeks of Plan A. Its going well. We will see him on Friday for dinner and then to the pumpkin patch with the kids. I'm trying to see him as much as I can meeting his top emotional needs as best I can for the remainder of the month before I go to Plan B.
For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about get the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley.
As for GAL'ing I'm taking a new 2 hour salsa class on Saturday. Can't wait too fun. How is everyone GAL going? Talk to me guys.

I'll update more soon....

[TxMomw/2girls]

T2L - where have you been..... glad to hear from you.

Sounds like your weekend was great.. so glad H was having fun too... I can't believe he actually lives with OW and she is Ok with all this... this is great!!!! keeping him engaged with the family and kids and the flirting.... I can't imagine flirting with my H and him responding... WOW... I see good things. I don't think at this stage my H would even engage with this much activity...

I had a struggling weekend and so did Hope... you can go to my thread and read Hopes and my updates.. your insight on both would be great... without having to repeat it all.... I didn't hear from Hope today so she must have been off line all day too...

I'm so glad Plan A is working and he is committing to everything you are asking him to do... wonderful.. I'm on the fence with Halloween coming up and the Holiday's - part of me wants him to suffer and not have these times and part of me wants to make it fun for him to see what he is missing... so hard to know...

get back to us on your updates and post on my thread when you have time

Jgrind, Marisol, hope and anyone else - where are you???

[hope3343]

shout out to T2L...I thought maybe you never returned from Disneyland! Glad the plan is going well. I am happy for you. Truly. Need to start reading book but will start tomorrow. It really sounds like H is responding to the physcology of all of this. Pretty interesting. Now what is the OW doing why H is spending time where he belongs??? Pretty soon you will be the OW and she will get a taste of what she did to your family. so you are flirting and he is responding.

Had some off time. Just was isolating myself which is not good thing. I so much want to get to the point of Plan A or Plan B, I have just been feeling discouraged after H said I will never live with you again and move on. I think H is out with OW tonight. It just has been so much unhappiness with me and my girls. He was here yesterday and today he calls and keeps asking to see D15. She asked me if when H calls does she have to pick up the phone. I told her she should out of respect but she says she has no respect for H at all. I told her he left me not you and she says Mom, no he left both of us and I don't like it at all.

I have been praying to God to keep working on H.
I know it will take time but I just felt down. I am so used to trying to fix things and be in control and it is so difficult to not have any control of the situation. And tomorrow I have to go to meeting with OW and H will both be there. She just came off a great weekend of spending with all her family for her daughter's wedding and I am 2000 miles from my family with a WAS. I resent it. My highlight of the weekend was seeing Fireproof. I cried but felt some faith after seeing it.

T2L you are an inspiration to me and I am glad I am on this message board stich. I know it took you almost 6 months to get where you are so I have to continue to have faith in God that he hears all of our good prayers.

Keep posting.
Jgrind, marisol and twinhope hope you find us soon!

[Trying2live]

I'm glad you popped on. 1st thing I have to say is do not isolate. I know it feels like you just want to bury your self but you must still GAL and pamper yourself. Remember your daughter needs you right now and you are also being an example of overcoming whatever life throws at you. You want to give that spunk to your daughters.

You are right on track. I felt stronger in the 1st few months, later I found out it wasn't strength it was shock. It wasn't until about the 3rd month that it all really hit me and the sorrow took over. Sounds like the reality of it is hitting you. Don't be too hard on your self and please continue to walk and GAL it really helps.

I would not force your daughter. She is old enough to know. This is the repercussion of his actions and if she is upset then she should be allowed to be upset. H needs to feel the pain of his actions. You see in their heads they think everyone will be mad just for a little while and then they will all get over it. After a few months your H will realize that it doesn't work that way. The pain they feel is necessary. If they don't feel the pain they may never get out of it or they may do it again. Don't protect them from what they must experience. My told me at the beginning I knew what I had and I knew what i was going to do and fully aware of what I was doing I did it anyways. If she doesn't want to talk say sorry I asked her she is angry with you and she will not get on the phone. try again tomorrow.

Ya know i still have no guarantees and it's scary. But I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do or any of us can do.


So when my kids cut his butt off I was like well guess you knew what you were doing and knew what you were losing. I even think cutting him off was for the best. I even think it's helped me go into this Plan A and Plan B.

Unless they experience and feel the pain they don't change.

Remember you only have control of your life not his. I was told this a lot. I also have specific things I pray over my H and speak over him. I can give them to you, but I'd rather over email so who ever is interested let me know. I'm not sure we are even allowed to post email addresses.

1 day at a time. These are the things I din and I swear that helped me.
-GAL no matter how you feel. This is not bases on how you feel. Your gonna feel like crap for a while so GAL anyways.
-Do not expect any rational normal thinking from your spouse or you are the crazy one.
-Exercise or walk daily
-Do not isolate, talk to friends, have lunch, etc.
- I personally recommend getting a really good whole food based vitamin and extra B complex. It's really helped the nerves.
-Listen to music you love.
-Pray
-ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP with your spouse. They are in the alien fog and you will get alien answers. Keep it light or as little as possible. This is where GAL comes in and works well.
-GET THE FOCUS OFF WALK AWAY spouse and try and focus on me and the kids. Consider what it is I want out of life. Get to know who I am and become comfortable and confident just being me.
-Tell myself every day I am going to make it.

So If I think of more I will list them, but those are the things I did the first several months that helped me get to almost 6 months.

I promise you will all eventually start to feel just a tiny bit better as time goes by. No it does not feel good, but you learn to adjust to the situation.
My H has been out of the house since May 8th and I think personally it was better than having him her because it was no longer him anyways. I know several of you have your spouses gone but try as best you can to learn to enjoy this special time for yourself. Start up something, take a class, scrap book, read, take a bath and do stuff for you and take your eyes off your spouse or you truly will be even more unhappy.

I decided to take the kids and I on day trips and take lots of pictures. I am going to print them and fill up picture frames so when he pops by he can see we are still living our lives. i hear this bugs the spouse.
I think in the next few weeks I'm going to paint and redecorate a spare room.
When this 1st happened I threw out my blankets and got all new ones for my bed. Redecorating does wonders and the spouse can see that you are still living life.
They must see you are still living life. That doesn't mean to be mean, it just meas start living. Don't let discovery day be the last day you lived.
I'll pop on tomorrow....G'night ya'll...XOXO

[TxMomw/2girls]

Please all go to my thread and give me advice... I'm struggling with what happened last night and this morning and it's 9am and I still haven't heard from my H ... I can't keep playing nice when his babies are not his priority....

I will post later Hope and give you some support too..

back on later...

thx

[marisol35]

Hi Everyone! I found you!!!

T2L - It is just awesome to see your progress and how positive and excited you are! You are definitely an inspiration for me as well. I just wished that my H wouldn't keep pushing for the D. He keeps asking me about the papers and what can we do to get it done. He called yesterday about picking up jackets he left and persisted about the papers. I calmly asked him what the rush was and he said he just wanted to finish what he started since he is also thinking about leaving the company he is with he just wants to "get it off his chest". He made the comment of "I just can't be like this....I'm married....I'm not married". It just makes me wonder. Is he seeing if I will say that I still want to be married or is he pushing for the D because of outside circumstances like marrying the OW or is she pregnant. I don't know if she is or isn't. I did see an email sent yesterday by her to him about going to the doctor today and asking her boss to leave early but to keep it between them. Then his response was "Ha! Ha! Everyone thinks your prego??" and she replied "Scary I know great!". So what does that mean??

In my mind I have already decided that if she does get pregnant or already is I will sign the papers with no reconciliation and just be done with it. I refuse to go through that. There are plenty of other men in this world looking for love and I deserve to be with someone better than him. I am holding on because I love him and I feel that there is a chance to save our marriage but if the unthinkable happens (I am praying that it will not) I will loose all hope because I will have lost all my faith in him.

Hope - My D16 is in the same state as your daughter. She has not spoken to her father since he left in August. She refuses to reply to his text msgs and answer his calls. I have talked with her about it and have encouraged her to talk with him to let her feelings be known. Ultimately it is her choice. She is old enough to decide for herself. She has told me that she wants him to hurt as much as he has hurt her. I know in time it will heal. She just needs her space right now.

I am not GALing like I should. I have been soul searching to find what it is that I enjoy doing for fun and also to find out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am in a dead end job with no reward. I feel like I have so much to give and I am stuck. I have to start focusing on me and asking myself the right questions.

Sorry for being down ladies......I have to get back up!!!!!

[twinhope]

Good to hear from everyone! T2L, I am so happy for you and your progress that you are making with your H. It seems to really be making a difference. I also want to thank you for being such a big support on this board. You always have good things to say and are very helpful. Actually everyone here is very helpful! It is good to read all of our updates and help each other get through this most difficult time. I have pulled out DR to review again and I went over the section on infidelity. I forgot about this section and it talks about if your S is not willing to end the A that you can to the After the Last Resort which in a way seems to be Plan B. I know you advised me to do Plan A first and I am going to try it is just so hard. He really is not accepting of anything I throw out there. I have written my letter in prep for Plan B and somedays I think I should just give it to him b/c this is so hard.

Update: He visited the house the other day before picking up the girls from daycare. He said that I was acting funny. I was nice and friendly but he sensed something was wrong. He asked over and over again and I kept saying nothing. He was not happy with that response and he came in the living room and sat down and talked for 45mins. He wanted my opinion on a new job for me needed me to be the devils advocate. I told him that I would love to but being that we are not together I did not want to put neg in his mind. He said that he had no one to talk to about this. We talked some more and when he went to leave he went to give me a hug and I gave him one but he didn't like how I hugged him. He then ran into my friend at daycare and asked her what was wrong with me. He wants me to be more like him and be cordial. She asked him what does he expect and asked him what he wanted and he told her we were not getting back together. Then he asked her to tell me that he wants to be there for me and that he wants me to confide in him and to know he is always here for me. Crazy isn't it!

He then told his mom that I was very hard to get a hold of these days and that I am so wrapped up in my own life that I can't even explore being friends with him and that if I loved him so much why haven't I done anything to try and get him back like jumping his bones. Wow, I hear this and think the fog is thick! Any comments or advice on this situation!

I hope everyone has a good day! I will check back in later!

[TxMomw/2girls]

I have a busy night and thank you all to my thread today... I will be on later tonight.. I leave town for business tomorrow night so I have packing and the girls stuff etc to do...

check back later before I go to bed.. hang in there... damn this road is long and hard ....

god bless

[JGrind]

Hello everyone,

This is a depressing evening for me. I was fine until S14 asked, out of the blue, if Id keep H name or change back to my maiden name. Told him Id like to keep the same name as my children. He says "yeah!". I asked why it concerns him, he didnt answer, just skipped off to take a shower. I guess H must be saying the D word to kids.

H and I rarely see or speak to each other anymore. My 180 is to be respectfully assertive since I am very passive in nature. Ive had several opportunities to use my 180 and it has left him speechless each time. So is he distancing further b/c of it? Maybe it is not working, but nevertheless I will continue assertiveness training if not for this M , but for myself , as an example to my kids, and my other R. Its just so heartbreaking when he calls, I answer (always upbeat of course) and coldly says, "I am calling to speak to D, S, S" Not even a "Hi".

I bought pretty bushes and mums to plant around our house this weekend. We general contracted/built this house together 5 yr ago, but it has been frustrating and high maintenance. Too many repairs to make, little interior decor, and no landscaping (we're lucky to have grass!). The kids and I landscaped around the house this weekend. It was fun and it looks so nice. Im so proud. H came over for a whole hour to visit kids yesterday. We made small talk about our weekends and he did eventually compliment the landscape.

16yr anniversary is this Friday. At least I am scheduled to work.Hope I can think straight. Marisol, you survived your anniversary in Sept. With Gods grace I will too. Thank God I found my way back to him. I think many lose their faith through an ordeal like this, but this has done nothing but strengthen my faith. God has been my new best friend.

I still feel the need to get inside H head though. I posted on Tx mom's thread earlier today about whether or not I should try to contact H's best friend whom he is in contact with regularly b/c they work together. They've been best friends since 2nd grade and I know he was at high school reuiion with H a few weeks ago. The night H left, he admitted to confiding in his friend about his feelings and said his friend hated him for the way he felt. Does H still confide in him, and what is he saying? I have a burning need to know. Can his friend be a positive influence and supporter of this M? Dont know whether to move forward with it or leave it alone.

Tx mom, Ive been reading some of your posts on both threads and my heart goes out to you. A baby! To do this to any age child is selfish enough, but he'll have extra regrets someday b/c he will have missed out on such special moments. The 1st year is full of growth, milestones - such precious moments. I love babies so much. I have a special place in my heart b/c I work NICU taking care of sick babies. It is such a rewarding job, and I could not think of anything else Id rather do. I get teary as I write this.

Marisol, oh my. As much as I love babies, I agree this is a mess enough . I have to wonder if this is some game on OW part to keep her claws in. I could see a 21yr being manipulative like that .She has no character anyway being with a M man. I do understand your loss of hope and faith if this does end up being the case. I cant even imagine, b/c no matter what happens btwn them, that baby is a forever connection with that OW, but it's not your burden to bear - it is theirs. For now let us try to keep the faith that this is not the case and maybe a close call will help to open H eyes a bit.

Luv all you ladies (((((hugs)))))

[Trying2live]

Here's some info I said I would pass on...Got it from an ebook on affairs..Enjoy.....

If you are ready and truly want to break free from the infidelity and increase the odds of saving the marriage let's go. (In reality the odds are not very good, IF old patterns continue).

But, bear this in mind. Breaking free from the infidelity means you must make some changes in how you typically approach yourself and your spouse.

This will take practice, practice and more practice.

And, you may need to act and communicate in ways that seem very strange or foreign to you. You also may not understand why you need to do what you need to do, but stick with me.
A KEY Infidelity Marriage Saving Skill to Master

Here's a key infidelity skill you need to master in saving your marriage. I call it charging neutral.

If you are like most of us, the disclosure of the affair rips you apart and your feelings are on your sleeves. You react to your spouse. You communicate fear, worry, angst and/or anger with every fiber of your body and in every intonation of your voice.

You communicate this verbally and mostly nonverbally. Your reaction increases the distance and gives ammunition to your spouse to justify and even continue the affair. (Gosh, no wonder I want to get away from this. My lover certainly is not like this!)
Reacting to Infidelity is NOT Saving your Marriage

Rather than reacting and your feelings flowing all over the place, practice charging neutral.

I want you to be able to communicate to your spouse with neither an Up or Down but Neutral charge. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice!

Here's what will happen when you are able to do this:

1. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You make your point! And, it is heard! You will learn how to confront and feel more and more comfortable (well...maybe that is a stretch, at least at first) with this skill.

2. You will be in control of you. This will feel great.

3. This skill gives you personal power. People are really attracted to someone who is able to charge neutral. (Can you think of someone who does this well?)

4. You defuse the reactivity of your spouse. You change the rules of communication. Your spouse will probably be confused, internally impressed and not be quite sure what to do with you.

5. You break the destructive pattern of communication that hits the brick wall and only results in misery.

Charge neutral is clean communication that's about the truth being spoken without accusations, defensiveness or explanations that typically mire communication.

Charge neutral is very subtle but very powerful.

Charge neutral is about stating the truth directly, without anything added. No hidden agendas.

Charge neutral is not monotone or about being boring. The truth is not boring.

It's hard to give examples of charging neutral since charging neutral is not so much what you say, but how you say it. Maybe this will help. Here's what you can convey by charging neutral without giving you specific words:

* Your life is a mess. (By charging neutral you can almost make that feel like good news.)
* You've failed. (Like, no big deal. So what? Yet I understand.)

Keep charging neutral in mind as you confront your spouse/partner.
As you move through the process of discovery to recovery this will make more and more sense to you. As you learn to find your personal power, charging neutral will become easier and more powerful.