I went out and bought some really nice paper stock with matching envelopes to write this on. I plan on handing her this letter on Tues when she has visitation.
(Name), I write you this letter while the events of tonight are still fresh in my mind. I write it in my own hand to provide myself closure and you with a keepsake...a token to reflect on in the future when you emerge from this fog that currently envelops you.
You had a man in me who would have turned heaven and earth upside down for you. A man who spent his working life making sure that you and our beautiful son would live the lifestyle that you deserved and would want for nothing. Given my lot in life, I think it fair to say I over-achieved. I was a man who loved you when you were heavy, when you were thin, when you were grey-haired, and when you snored in your sleep. My love for you was unconditional. You were flawless in my eyes.
I know now that you were hurting for some time. You had needs and desires that you could not verbalize and that I was unable to discern. I was blind to your pain. I have no excuse for any of this and I accept my part in the decline of our relationship. I know that one day I will be able to come to terms with that, but that day is not today.
As for your part, you chose the way of the coward. Rather than treat me with the dignity and respect that I deserved, you lied to me. For months. While your faithful partner of sixteen years stayed home and watched our beautiful child, you sneaked around with a co-worker. Rather than come to me with your grievances like the forthright and honest person I had always understood you to be, you instead chose to selfishly engage in an exit-affair with a man of such low moral character that he would knowingly inject himself into the family of a married couple and their young son. You could not summon the courage come to me until you had someone else lined up. You both deserve each other.
Tonight you have done me a great favor and I thank you for it. You have freed me from you.
I watched you actually take a phone call from your boyfriend, in the home that we built together with eleven years of hard work, not 10 feet from where your loving son and husband sat waiting to cook you dinner and I realized that you are truly lost. The disrespect you showed for our home, our son, our family, and me at that moment made me finally realize that who you are now is no longer worthy of my love or my respect. You are not the woman who dared me to love her so many years ago. You are a stranger.
I still want the woman I married in my life, but tonight I realized that I don't need her in my life to be happy either.
If you ever find her again, I would like very much like to hear from her. She is special.
Until then, I ask that you refrain from contacting me except in the following cases:
- Issues pertaining to our son. - Issues pertaining to our divorce. - Issue pertaining to the sale of our home.
In all cases I prefer email to telephone unless it is an emergency.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
You're absolutely right. I'm just now standing up to my WAW. She charged on-line dating to my individual checking account, so today I called for a refund. Now it looks like they shut her down. She asked to borrow money 'til her payday and I refused. So she sees me standing ground now.
I just would have liked to give her something like that about 6 months ago.
If I was in your shoes (and I kind of have been) and knowing what I know now from DBing I would take out all of the accusations and judgements about her character and that of the OM. I would only talk about your feelings for her and setting the boundaries. Therefore...I'll post my version of your letter below.
By all means keep this letter for yourself, but DO NOT give it to her. It will not achieve anything but drama.
Originally Posted By: Superstar
(Name), I write you this letter while the events of tonight are still fresh in my mind. I write it in my own hand to provide myself closure.
I know now that you were hurting for some time. You had needs and desires that you could not verbalize and that I was unable to discern. I was blind to your pain. I have no excuse for any of this and I accept my part in the decline of our relationship. I know that one day I will be able to come to terms with that, but that day is not today.
You had a man in me who would have turned heaven and earth upside down for you. A man who spent his working life making sure that you and our beautiful son would live the lifestyle that you deserved and would want for nothing.
I feel hurt and now I realise that I have been lied to for months. You are behaving in a manner that is completely different from the wife I love. I will not be able to be a husband for and to you while you are having a relationship with another man where that friendship or relationship takes a higher priority than our relationship.
I watched you actually take a phone call from your boyfriend, in the home that we built together with eleven years of hard work, while I was there and I realized that you are not the wife I have loved for eleven years. I feel disrespected and though I wish I could be a better man, I feel very angry at your behaviour.
I still want the woman I married in my life, but tonight I realized that I don't need her in my life to be happy either. I deserve to have a life partner that treats her relationship with me as the priority and there will be no other man in the picture.
If you ever find her again, I would like very much like to hear from her. She is special.
Until then, I ask that you refrain from contacting me except in the following cases:
- Issues pertaining to our son. - Issues pertaining to our divorce. - Issue pertaining to the sale of our home.
In all cases I prefer email to telephone unless it is an emergency.
Maybe it's too late for this...I dunno. I just felt compelled to edit. If you want to piss your w off, then the original letter will likely do a great job in making her feel ashamed and guilty. The next reaction that usually comes when someone feels those things, is defense and then anger. I don't know what you will get but I kinda hope I'm not right.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Thanks for the input everyone, but I never sent it and I am glad I didn't.
Why bother trying to communicate with a WAW? She is so fogged up right now she couldn't tell you if it is day or night. I might as well mail that letter to the cat for all the good it would do me now.
Since I wrote this letter, I have done much better with detachment, and this has helped me redefine our interactions. I have gone very dark and go out of my way to avoid any and all contact with her. Any contact I am forced to have and I have been very cold; disinterested in her or what she has to say. I am honestly repulsed by her presence right now, and the guilt that riddles her has turned her into a shell of her former self.
I know that this policy may be counter-productive in the long run, but I found that I was unwilling (and unable) to put aside my self respect and dignity to placate and "pet" my WAW while she is having an EA (at least) with another man. She cannot have both: Me and Him. I'm working on ME right now, so I cannot concern myself with her feelings right now.
With all the progress I have made in detachment, I still need to work on patience. Patience for her EA to fail, patience for her fog to lift, patience that the fantasy world she envisioned will never materialize. I also need to come to terms with the fact that this will all happen AFTER the D (Texas is only 60 days).
"Divorce is not death"
I honestly don't know if I could ever take her back, but I will cross that bridge when she comes out of her fog...assuming she ever does.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
