Friday night I spent the evening home with my girls. D17 was home sick w/ the crud. N14 had been gone all week with the funeral and stuff. So we had a pretty good evening. Good to catch up.
Saturday AM H showed up. He looked pretty rough. But said he was home and in bed by 10-10:30 so of course I wondered if he really was at home or if he was home alone... anyway it was just a thought and then I let it go. We worked outside some. He then went to working on getting the combine ready. I asked him if he needed anymore help, if not I was going to mow. He said he didn't so I mowed lawn. He pretty much did his thing and I mine for most of the day. Again he was nice and flirting and acting like his old self. I tried to not let it get to me but of course it did. In the evening 2 BIL's, BIL's wife, and kids came out and we had a fire, roasted marshmallows and played with the kids. It was a good evening. Eventually BIL and family went home. Other BIL was in the house, H and I were sitting by the fire. H said "BIL can stay here with you, I'm going home." I said, "uh, no he's not. You can take him home." we went back and forth a little, then (couldn't stop my mouth) I said "whatever H, we both know why you don't want him to go home with you." and I got up and walked away. H just looked at me. I picked chairs and stuff up and put things away. Then I went into the house. It wasn't very long and H came in too. I laid on the floor and watched TV. H and BIL ate, then H laid on the couch. They stayed the night.
Today I made breakfast for the guys. I helped sort calves to take to sale barn. First load H asked if I was going to ride along. I said no, BIL is going so I'll stay here. He said "whatever, don't matter". (seemed like it did) Second load I really wasn't wanting to help because I'm really afraid of the cows/calves at the other place. H wouldn't take "don't want to" for an answer and I did help. It went fine. I rode with him on the second load. When we got back here, H really dragged his feet. He was tired, needed to sleep cuz he has to work tonight. I got the distict feeling he wanted to stay here. But BIL and SIL was here, so he went home.
All and all a good weekend. TOH did an excellent job of acting as if and being detached. (sept for the comment). H was tired. His heart is hurting (I am extrememly concerned but not showing him), but it seemed there was more. He was quiet, he seems sad, a little angry, but not at me.
And maybe I'm totally wrong, but, a man has an OW or not, he's sure he wants a D, and that he doesn't want to be with his wife, and then you can flirt with your wife and pick on her like you always used to, I'm not buying it...but then again, I guess old habits die hard...?
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
"TOH I don't get it either. How was things any different between you two the other night than in the past. We hung out all day. He insisted you help with the cattle. We stayed after wards. Had a fire. Had a good time. Then we stay the night. It just doesn't make any sense. If he's done with you then why all that?"
I said, exactly BIL. I don't get it either...
H called at 3 yesterday to fill me in on how cattle sold. Last night I pretty much waisted my evening. Girls had VB so were gone. I didn't do a dang thing. I have no ambition. I ate, laid on the couch, and slept on and off. Going to do better today. Try and get something done.
Have a good day all! TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
I am so ticked off at H right now I don't really care if I ever see him again...well, I don't mean that, but...
H got his paycheck this weekend. I entered it tonight. After taking out the checks he wrote for HIS bills (rent, utilities, phone)and misc since there is $302.00 for me for 2 weeks. That means I am getting about $600 a month from him to pay the bills here. My house payment is 617. How does that work? L told me awhile back that I would get about 900 a month child support if we D. So I am not even getting that.
And I'm not supposed to make him feel guilty, apply pressure, etc...???? WTH!?!?! And he just blows it off like it is what it is and drives away...I'm sick and damb tired of all this sh*t!!! I'm mad as h*ll! He's doing whatever the h*ll he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants with no regards to me or these kids. He is not stupid. He can see very clearly that we are losing our ars, and everything else with it, just so that he can live there and be with OW. The right thing to do would to go get a D or to move back home and he isn't doing either one. WTH?
I am tempted to tell him that I want to stay in this house until at least D17 graduates because that is what is best for her, and that I don't care what he has to do but he needs to do something to make that happen. In the meantime he IS STILL M and there will be no OW. There will be no more hanging out with me. That from here on out he will respect me and my house. After graduation he can go to h*ll and take OW with him.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
It's like I never slept. I woke thinking the same things when I went to bed.
So I feel I've put my love for him on a shelf, but all that did is make room for the anger. So what do I do about it? Let it go? Deal with all this myself? From reading here it will do no good to make him see this reality. It isn't going to change a thing, right?
You know, I decided to stand for my M so that I would not have any regrets. Because I loved him and had more faith in him then he did himself. I didn't file for D because I believed in our M and our love for each other.
Today I am starting to feel the regrets. If I would have filed from the very beginning, made him sell everything to give me half. I would be just fine. I could have bought a house that I could afford without his help. I'd not be in trouble with the law. I would still have my self respect.
It all seems to been for nothing...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
you equated standing with putting your life on hold and being his doormat, fighting off ow, trying to get him to see reality.....sooo...15 months later here you sit ...nothings changed except you are more angry.
standing is working on you, and protecting you while you let him spin in the breeze. have you looked into legal separation?
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
haven't done it because w/farm it is so complicated. And hate to spend the money if we are just going to turn around and D anyway. Like filing twice here. Also figured if I filed for LS he would just go for D.
and your wrong an2m. I've changed ME. But those changes make no difference to my H and in this mess they make no difference to my M either. And none of it helps this sitch any. I could become a perfect woman and I still would be in this Limbo and my H would be in MLC.
I am not more angry. I've been angry all along. Just have dealt with it on my own. I think though before, I was more angry with OW than H. OW really doesn't matter to me anymore. She isn't worth my thoughts. She is a selfish human being and I feel sorry for her. But I do wish her well. What's left is my H and his selfishness, hurtfulness, and this sitch we are in. And I'm angry because I want to change it and everywhere I turn there are brick walls.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
But those changes make no difference to my H and in this mess they make no difference to my M either. And none of it helps this sitch any. I could become a perfect woman and I still would be in this Limbo and my H would be in MLC.
all for the wrong reasons. you do it to make you happier, to make your life complete w/o your H and leave the door ajar for him to find his way back. you have so feistily resisted this from the get go
Quote:
Also figured if I filed for LS he would just go for D.
every move you have or havent done has been based how it might make your H feel or react. not for what was best for you and the girls.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Honestly, if I were you, I would take everything one day at a time, do not assume anything such as a D, and take his moods with a grain of salt. Don't try and figure out why he is this way or that way.........................
Live your life doing what you need to do to get by each day.
LS is very expensive. At least it is here--$5,000 just to get it going and $250 per hour after that.
My pastors told me that when one files for LS, there is a 95% divorce rate.
I did not file for a LS because that is not the route I wanted to go, obviously.
Live your life one day at a time.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
right I have thought of H in everything I've said/done/ or didn't say/do and how he would react...very guilty as charged. BUT I also have led myself to believe that it also was what was best for ME and my D's. Now I am thinking that I've steered myself in the wrong direction. That I have done all this for nothing. That it's all been for nothing.
The changes in me are good. I am happy about them and I will carry them with me forward. It recently has just led me to feel more discouraged about R with my H because I've become more and more convinced that the problems with our M are with H not with me. At least I can sleep at night knowing that I am living my life honestly and doing the right things. H isn't sleeping much at all...hmmm...
MWG, that is what I have been doing for 1yr 6mns. Any other way is not possible. I don't know what's going to happen the next hour let alone the next day. But in doing so I feel like I am letting important things fall away to the wayside and one day they are going to jump up and bite me in the ars! Like getting the main bills paid and we wont' talk about all of the Dr bills not gettting touched. And then there is the legal fees. And come Oct 23 they may as well just throw me in jail because there is NO money to pay that fine and restitution. There just isn't.
I keep telling myself not to worry about it so much. That God will take care of us and it will all work out in the end. But I really don't know that. And the deeper this gets the more scared I am becoming.
Talked to H this morning. I didn't say a word about the bills. He is sick, hope he has the OW flu. He told me no yesterday that N14 could come to his house after work till getting picked up. His excuse was that he'd have to stay up an extra 1/2 hour. Huh??? First time for that. I just said whatever, I'll take care of it. I was pleasant with him this morning. Today she has a VB game. He said he wasn't going cuz he's sick. Whatever...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH, I know exactly how you feel. It is infuriating how these men destroy lives.
My therapist tells me I keep banging on a rock (h) trying to get it to talk to me. I keep banging and banging for answers and nothing happens. So, let's face it, I would rather pick up the rock and throw it at h's head (oops, did I say that out loud?). But at some point, I have to realize that the rock cant talk, so I need to stop banging it.
I guess she is telling me, in her therapists' way, that it is futile to expect these men to be able to understand what they are doing. And the only thing we could do, is to stop expecting answers and get on with our lives. Easier said then done, dont I know it, but necessary all the same.
