I am not sure where my husband is in his midlife crisis. I thought that maybe there was an awakening in his life back in February but now I'm not sure. He has been super sweet to me since February. I mean super sweet. He still has an OW but I'm not sure what their relationship is. I know he is using her and his need for his usage of her will no longer be necessary in June of 2009. I don't know if he will be able to let her go then or not. He has dinner with her every night and then is home by 8 p.m. He has never left home.
Anyway, he is on travel this week with his company. He is home right now ironing his shirts and pants. Two years ago when he went on this quarterly trip he took sweat pants and t-shirts. Even five years ago he took t-shirts and sweats. Today, he is taking his time to pack and get his clothes together. I'm trying to remember the last time that he wore casual dress pants and nice shirts to this meeting (I haven't seen a t-shirt in this packing yet) and I'm having a hard time remembering. In July I wasn't paying attention since I was more concerned about my mom than his packing so I don't know what he packed then.
About 21 months ago my husband started wearing shoes that were so out of character for him...I laughed. I was so glad that I had read on this site that they will start wearing clothes that you would never expect your spouse to wear. It was classic. I noticed last fall that he quit wearing those shoes and bought his regular shoes again. The other shoes...are sitting on the shelf (in his full view) and haven't been worn in a year. He did the jean thing to for a couple of years. I haven't seen them in several weeks/months either.
Over the past several months he has taken more interest in the things at home and the kids. He asks about my dad almost everyday. But his behavior with the OW these past few weeks leads me to believe that he is still in replay.
A couple of weeks ago his niece got married and her mom told him he could come but he couldn't bring his OW. He got mad about it and said that once again he had been placed in a bad situation because he couldn't bring her. He did come to the wedding and didn't bring her but since then he has made sure that everywhere he goes with the family he takes her.
Any thoughts?
I am trying to not think about the stages or where we are in this. I do know that we are on this side of the crisis...meaning that I feel the worst is over. The anger towards me is gone. He will apologize when he snaps at me and he knows that it upsets me. He never apolgizes for the time he spends with the OW. He has just started joking with me again and even winked at me in an e-mail a few weeks ago. But since the OW is still in the picture...I'm at a loss as to where he is in the process. Can he be trying to reconnect even with the OW in the picture? Can he even been in acceptance with the OW in the picture?
Question for Snodderly if she is on board. Many years ago you posted the Acceptance stage - three stages - and it was only in stage three of acceptance that you stated how long it would take to settle down. How long do stages 1 and 2 of the acceptance stage take?
If the OW is still around, he is nowhere near coming out..... I think the "stages" guideline on the board is exactly that, a guideline of a possible senario. Personnally I think once they enter, they will rarely come out. I didn't say never, I said rarely. I have been here nearly 3 years and I haven't seen many come out and come back. Don't get your hopes up.
S, I never posted about the first two stages of Acceptance...that was from a posting of Heart's Blessing. I posted about a stage that was never addressed here until I started doing research on it and that is the very final stage and I wouldn't even call it acceptance....I called it the "settling in stage". That is the very final stage whereby the spouse has returned home and is still sorting himself/herself out for approximately 8 - 18 months. It's a stage that occurs only if the spouse is home, not while they are traveling around the universe.
As braveheart has pointed out, the stages are just a guidelines, i.e., they are not concrete. However, the settling in period has been demonstrated a number of times here on the board...BND is one of those ladies that has experienced yet, just as Yellow Rose has.
You sound like an incredibly patient person and I give you so much credit. It sounds like you are handling the situation beautifully.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Thank you Trusting. Patience is so hard for me. I'm truly doing what God has told me to do...except...come here. I came here for some answers and ummm I think I made God jealous. It has already cost me - dearly.
Snowmm ---I agree with Trusting that you are doing a wonderful job with your MLC husband. And I disagree with those who say that the "wandering midlife teen" never comes back to his senses. It sometimes seems that way because this process can take a very long time --and often by then many of the onlookers have lost interest in "the story line". I think many MLC'ers do finally try to come home --but in lots of instances the left behind spouse has given up and "moved on".
It really takes a vibrant faith in God to pull you through this long ordeal and keep you focused on what the Lord wants you to do --not the world. But you are modeling just that!
Thanks Braveheart - I'm sorry you feel that way. If you aren't here for hope and how to cope...why are you here?
I'm sorry if the truth offends you. If you want me to lie to you and give you false hope, then you are talking to the wrong person. As I have pointed out in my post, people in MLC RARELY come back, not never, but RARELY. I say that with absolute certainty. I can say that, because if you will watch these boards, that is exactly what happens. Listen, I have seen so many people here work thier guts out and have thier feelings and hearts ripped apart by some of thier mean-spirited spouses and X-spouses that it actually breaks my heart to hear these stories. I guess my reason for being here is to be the voice of reason and realisim for people. I honestly hope that you can work things out with your H, I really do, and if you do, God bless you for it. What I say is based on observations and being involved here for a long time. Don't take my word for it, read these posts and stories and see for yourself.
Be that as it may braveheart it is unlike you to come out of the gate smashing a LBS's hopes.
Whatever bitterness you're harboring, check it, and be sure it's not coming across in your posts to someone with less than a hundred posts under her belt.
