Work was slow as anything today, so I left a bit early and got to the kids school early in time to catch the last few minutes of my son's parent teacher conference. My W was there.
I'm planning on confronting her tomorrow about her affairs and everything that has been going on and with a petition for divorce for her to sign. I'm looking forward to this and I'm dreading it at the same time. I still regret that things have come to this point, but, I can't continue while she is busy off with someone else.
However, she asked me after the teacher conference what was wrong with me and then I took the kids to the book fair at the school and she came back to school to ask me what was up and what was wrong and then tonight when she called to talk to our oldest daughter, she wanted to know again, what was wrong and what is going on. Tonight, she said it was like I had just snorted a big fat line of cocaine. Never have, never will. So, however that makes you behave, I was.
I hated lying and saying that there was nothing going on and nothing that I needed to talk to her about. Tonight, I said that there were no problems that weren't also problems yesterday and the day before etc. A lie by omission.
I noticed that her overnight bag wasn't in the bathroom at her house when I went to pick up my oldest daughter and her bed had obviously not been slept in since yesterday. I don't know anyone who leaves the empty prescription bag and clothes on the bed as they sleep in it.
I hate hate hate hate this. She's familiar and since I decided to go down this path, I've mostly quit caring what she is doing and with whom and that has taken a lot of the stress off of things and thus things have seemed like when I was 4 states away for the new job. Things seem good. I have to consciously remember that she is screwing someone else and falling in love with him and smoking and in general not someone that I want to be with.
I can't believe I'm doing this, but, I can't stand limbo. I feel like the attention I get going out on the weekend has replaced the pittance of love and affection and attention I used to get from my W. I don't want a little survival level of love and appreciation and joy. I want a universe full of joy and love and happiness.
So, tomorrow, I will leave early and go to a friend's house and eventually print out the divorce petition and then call my wife around 1130 and ask her to get ready for work and then to meet me at the house. I will make her a margarita, have my manilla envelope of "proof" and hopefully have a conversation filled with honesty and closure.
I think what you are doing is perfect. She's not going to like it one bit, but must have some sort of feeling you know something based upon the questions she's asking.
You might call a friend to help out with the kids tomorrow night. It could be a challenge as I'm sure she's going to flip out when she realizes the bakery with the cake just left town.
I think I'd just pull out the manilla envelope and not pull the trigger on the D petition quite yet. Store your bullets cowboy. The envelope is going to have quite the impact I think.
Tostada, I've got the kids and she's got to work. I'll talk to her a couple of hours before work and then she can go off and try and be friendly and helpful to the people coming into the YMCA, just like I've had to try and be friendly and nice to my co-workers while she's been pulling all this.
As for the divorce petition, I'm done. If she has a change of heart, she has 90 days minimum to convince me to withdraw those papers and I have already thought through what I'm going to have to see in order to stop things.
Let's just say, that it will take a lot of convincing for me to hit the brake.
I will be thinking of you and hope things can go as well as possible.
Let me just say...she senses that you know something about her extracirricular activities or she wouldn't keep asking you what is wrong. I'll bet you she has a sudden change of heart once you confront her and wants to come back. I could be wrong, but I just have a feeling.
Dan...do you have a list of what you have been thinking..? might be good to scroll it out and if she does freak out and play to your heart, you have something to compare to. I'm sure you wont forget whats in your mind, might be easier if you write it out and watch the events develop.
I'm sorry Tostada, what I've been thinking on how it will go, on what she has been up to, on what she will need to do to convince me that she is serious about working on things?
I don't know how the conversation will go, but, I hope that she is in touch with her feelings and motivations enough that she can give me a relatively high level history of the last 6 months and explain to me from her point of view how it is that she could cheat on me and lie to my face about it. I hope for that followed by a brief discussion on where does that leave us and a somewhat longer discussion of where are we going. Those are the three topics, where are we, how did we get here, and where are we going.
What I think that she has been up to is that I believe that she has found herself caught between the self-image of a good mother and the inability to handle the stress and responsibility of being a wife and mother combined with watching her looks fade and realizing that she has done nothing of import with her life. I believe these are the pressures and being unable to reconcile competing thoughts, she escaped into multiple affairs because those other men made her feel good about herself. They still find her desirable. She rationalizes her guilt away by casting me as the author of all her problems and reinforces that belief by telling herself and others that I'm a horrible father and husband. Which is to say that I believe that she has had sexual encounters with perhaps as many as 5 different men in the last 5 months and ongoing affairs with two which I believe she has trimmed down to one that is also become an emotional affair.
As for what she will need to do to convince me that she is serious about working on a relationship with me, she will need to at a minimum meet the following criteria: - After a final go away letter, she will have no further contact with the people that she has met in the last year that is male and female. - She will become 100% transparent to me - She will enter into IC that I will at a general level help to direct and oversee. - She will continue in MC with me - She will move back into the family home - She will quit smoking - She will no longer engage is social time out at the bars except that we go out together.
Nice work. That's what I was looking for. I think its good for you to have laid it out.
Now, she is going to be overwhelmed, especially if she's running with this insecurity. She will lash back at you, withdraw, then consider the consequences. Leave her alone and let her boil. Hold your ground. If all those things are true, hold a hard ground.
I don't really know what to say except I hope it goes as well as it can tomorrow. Be strong but also be ready to be empathic although I know that will be really hard. Listen to what she has to say and don't dismiss it if it isn't what you want to hear. I know you will do the best thing for you and your family, whatever that may be.
A little eye leakage this morning. I drove past her place and his place this morning(0300) to check and yes, her car was at his place. It smelled like she had it cleaned professionally, I'm hopeful that perhaps the smoking was something that the other guy did and she is quitting. That doesn't really effect me and what I decide, but, for her and for my peace when she is around the kids, it's better if she doesn't smoke.
I don't want this. I meant my vows. I'm reminded of when Jesus said to the Pharisees that provision was made for divorce because of the hardness of men's hearts, but, I can't reconcile that with the pain of being cast aside. I have to do this, but, I will remain to a small degree open to her. The difference is that I'm not going to wait for her or pursue her in fact I will do the opposite, but, if she were chasing, I'd stop and consider.
Cheers 