Wow, I have not posted in months. I need to take a look around and see who is still here. A couple people have emailed me and I've wanted to log in for weeks. Here's a synopsis for anyone around who remembers me.
1 - H "quit" drinking in June. Not because of anything I said or did. But because his boss had a talk with him. His boss said he could smell alcohol on him all the time. This was a Friday morning. When I got home he finally told me. I knew something was wrong. He started crying. It was a few minutes before he could talk and I was sitting there thinking, OMG he got another DWI or he's decided to move out. He finally told me what happened and that he was going to quit drinking. He said he had talked to several people and knew it was going to be rough. It turns out the 'several people' he talked to was OW.
I was really upset by that. He got an ultinatum from his boss, to quit drinking or lose his job and he couldn't even call me. It was a rough weekend. He was really sick. Throwing up, fever, chills, DTs. I thought he was going to end up in the hospital. I ran to a health food store and got some vitamins and protein supplements that were recommended on the internet.
He didn't pick up a beer for about 2-3 weeks. Then, he slowly started drinking again. A beer or two a night. And now, he's not as bad as he was. But he's close.
2 - I went through horrible depression because of his quitting drinking. That may not make sense but I read that's actually when spouses of alcoholics do leave! He was stone cold sober which made him quiet, withdrawn, etc. We like to sit on our patio and enjoy our patio chimney whenever we could. We'd sit out there for a few hours and he'd hardly say anything. I'd try to talk about different things and it was like talking to myself. I had myself convinced that he didn't want to be with me. I was ready to throw in the towel.
2 - His court case is STILL pending. At the last status hearing, his lawyer asked that the DWI be dismissed. For months they have asked for key evidence and gotten nothing. The judge agreed, but apparently it's may not be dismissed after all. He's not sure what is going on.
3 - OW is still in the picture but not as much. She's been fairly quiet for about 2 months. But in late spring, early summer she was still making her angry phone calls. Some of them were really bad. One night, in June, when my D15 was at camp, she kept at it until 1 a.m. I called in sick to work the next day. I didn't sleep because of her calls, and the nasty messages she left. It was horrible.
4 - H is trying to maintain a friendly relationship with her because of the court case but she makes it challenging. He says she's always trying to pick fights. He surprised the h3ll out of me one night because he made the comment that now he could see that it was a relationship built on 'fun' - but that's all it was. The weekend trips on his bike wasn't reality. I could have fallen on the floor. In my mind I could hear the Hallelujah chorus sounding loud and clear!!
Overall, we're doing ok. Yeah, he's drinking again, the court case is still pending so in some ways it's same-o same-o, but there's definitely been some improvement.
It is so good to hear news of you, mixed as it may be. They say it's never easy, this piecing (I'm not to have the opportunity to find out myself.) But the drinking problem makes it even tougher. I'm praying for you and your H. You certainly have it within you to make it, dear lady.
Good to hear from you again. I've wondered about you from time to time. Sorry things move so slowly. Your story about him quitting drinking is very interesting. Funny thing about those court cases, they continue and continue, and then one day they just say, it's happening now. 10 minutes later it's over. At least that's how it was for my son. I hope you can finally get that stupid OW out of your life.
Hi Joie, I have never posted to you or even read any of your old posts, but I see your piecing with an alcoholi H and so am I.
I am struggeling badly to accept all of his changes since he left me and started drinking so much.
I have told him in the past I dont like the amount he drinks or the amount of time he spends at the bars. He understood and made some small efforts to slow down, but now after 6 months of piecing he is still going to the bars almost every day.
He will blow me off and cancel our plans to hang with his buddies and he drinks and drives a lot. He has gotten three different warnings for dwi, but never has been charged.
When he messes up and blows me off or gets caught with dwi, he is always so loving and apologetic. He knows what he is doing is bad, but he refuses to call it a problem and get help.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I never know who he is with or what he is doing until afterwards. He usually will try to come see me every night after he is done drinking for several hours. I have finally gotten to the point where I have started to decline him coming over on those evenings after he blows me off and changes our preset plans. oh and I should mention he doesnt want to move back in with me just so that he can still have his apartment next to all the bars in our town.
I dont know if you have any advice for me or not, but it is worth the shot. Thanks, TIPPER
Joie!!!! Hello! So glad to hear from you. I can't even believe that ow is still pulling her stunts. What a loser!
As for your H, I am also sorry to hear that he started drinking again. Has he attended any counseling? We require that at my work if we have someone who is drinking before or at work.
Tipper, it's a nightmare, isn't it. You want to help them so much. You rack your brain thinking there must be just the right words to find to say to them to make them see the light. You're constantly searching for the solution to the problem. But the fact is there is not much you can do or say. You can cry, you can get angry, you can beg, you can threaten to leave -- to no avail. It's their problem not yours. Perhaps the one thing that may work is an intervention. Otherwise he needs to make the decision to quit or get help himself.
You hear a lot of people say that addicts need to hit rock bottom before they decide to get help. For some, rock bottom is too late. But for others, perhaps a DWI, or an accident can help them see the light. They get busted or worse and suddenly they're in trouble and their party life is over.
I read once that personal, social and perhaps legal problems that would cause any reasonable person to conclude that their drinking habits should be curtailed or eliminated, do not seem to have much effect on those who are alcohol dependent, at least not in the long run. And the reason is denial that they have a problem. It's only when the consequences of their drinking becomes painful enough will they reach out for help.
I didn't harp on my H to quit, but he knew, and still knows, how I feel. He's an alcoholic. He's addicted. Even knowing that his drinking could end our M didn't reach my H. He asked me many months ago, when the fantasy of the A was obviously done (thanks to the OW going AWOL), if I wanted to be with him with everything was over. I told him I didn't know. And then I told him why, because of his drinking -- I didn't know if I wanted to be married to an alcholic. He understood. But it sure didn't make him change his ways. Nope, not at all.
I think it's good that you've started to decline seeing your H when he blows you off. Have you told him why? Maybe if he sees he could lose you, it will help. But I don't know if it will.
Does the tough love approach seem to reach him at all? Does he know that the drinking is a deal breaker for you (assuming it is)? What do you think he would do if, after 6 months of piecing, you told him all deals were off unless he gets help? Do you think he's an alcoholic or does he have a drinking problem?
I'll have to seek out your thread. I wish I had the magical answer or solution, but I don't and I'm so sorry. Don't enable him (it sounds like you're doing that already). I hear Alanon is pretty good but I haven't gone down that road myself.
Thanks for posting. OW is getting better. I think it's been nearly a month since she called either our house phone or my cell phone. However, she did email me not too long ago. She sent me a link for something called 'clone a willy.' I'll let you figure out what that was. The email just included a link and she asked, what do you think?
I was SOOOOOO tempted to reply asking if she wanted me to get one for her so she could put it in her memory book. But I didn't. Not once have I replied to her emails or her calls. I won't play those middle school games. And, if she ever decides to pull the mental/emotional anguish over the accident, I'm gonna throw it right back at her. Seriously.
As far as the drinking, I know he knows he has a problem. That's a start...
I was SOOOOOO tempted to reply asking if she wanted me to get one for her so she could put it in her memory book. But I didn't. Not once have I replied to her emails or her calls. I won't play those middle school games. And, if she ever decides to pull the mental/emotional anguish over the accident, I'm gonna throw it right back at her. Seriously.
As far as the drinking, I know he knows he has a problem. That's a start...
Hey Joie! I finally made it here! I'm so glad to see you posting again!!! I always wonder where people have gone and if they're doing ok or not, so good to know you sound good!
I would have been so tempted to email back. I emailed the OW once, but it didn't give me the satisfaction or joy or whatever I was expecting. I don't regret it though, just realized it wasn't something I wanted to do. And I think it's better to be cool like they aren't bothering you, b/c I think she would really enjoy you giving a response as if you were upset! Karen
You had one of the first threads when I came here...joy of life stood out to me. I wasn't lucky in the sense that I saved my marriage but I did save myself which I think is just as important if not more.
It sounds as if your H hasn't hit rock bottom yet as far as his drinking. My x had/has a problem with it too. After his DUI and he took classes he now will say I know how much I can drink and still drive. They are fooling themselves. I hope he figures out what he is doing and I am glad that you are doing well.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey, Karen! Believe me I was tempted! But I think once I do that, I would just be giving her a green light.
Kat, no matter what happens with any of us, that is true, some here save their M, some don't but in the long run we're better people no matter what.
I don't know what will reach my H. It's scary cause he was facing a DWI, and then his boss confronted him ... but here he is, still drinking. After seeing what he went through when he stopped drinking, I know he is truly addicted. I don't know what will reach him but I will not live like this too much longer. I've been hanging on until this legal mess is done...
