Hi everyone.... I will post more in a bit. I am doing well. A bit melancholy. I hope you are all well. Especially you ~5 Thanks for your pep talks in the past. ~Ava
Eric Clapton ~Wondeful tonite.... Its late in the evening Shes wondering what clothes to wear She puts on her make up And brushes her long blonde hair And then she asks me Do I look alright And I say yes, you look wonderful tonight
We go a party And everyone turns to see This beautiful lady Thats walking around with me And then she asks me Do you feel alright And I say yes, I feel wonderful tonight
I feel wonderful Because I see the love light in your eyes And the wonder of it all Is that you just dont realize How much I love you
Its time to go home now And Ive got an aching head So I give her the car keys She helps me to bed And then I tell her As I turn out the light I say my darling, you were wonderful tonight Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight
Update~ Ok ...
I am seeing now how I let people use me for a doormat in the name of LOVE~!
Anyway I need advice ....
Cinco , especially you.
Yesterday was one of the ugliest days of my life and yet today I feel hope. My H said these things to me. Yesterday he was all about talking.
1. I am tired of this life { Remember English is hubbys second language} { Meaning they we he and I live { interact} 2. But I guess I have to put up with it. 3. I shouldnt have to tell you what is missing or wrong you should know. 4. I keep telling you the same thing over and over again. 5. That I am dry and unloving and not touchy feely at all with him unless I am tipsy. { this is partly true although he exaggerates it some b/c of the way he is feeling right now} { My self esteem sucks at times } 6. That in the 5 months he has been home he hasnt felt any love from me. { He wakes up happiest when I touch him a lot and I initiate genuinely and passionately} 7. Thats why he is going to work in XXXXXXX cause it hurts too much to be around me when I dont love him. 8. That he thinks when I say I love you I am just saying it. 9. I always interrupt him. 10. He needs me to put a smile on his face. 11. I am the one who has the power to change this and I dont want to.
12. I guess this is just the way I am going to have to live.
Funny thing is he is right , even though his version is exaggerated, I do see where I do these things. I told him I try so hard to please you and I cant seem to do anything right. That's why if I am tipsy I am more focused cause I don't worry so much is this right or THAT.
It started cause he said he was in a great mood and then when he met me at the gas station, I dint smile at him.... And when he confronted me and said why cant you smile. I didn't smile and instead said " well honey you dont always smile at me settle down...."
I can see if you are wounded where you would let this interaction hurt you a lot.
Help~ Please......
I do see his points and yet I feel stuck in myself and my self doubt. It is true I turn into this self secure delicious DIVA when I have had a few and I feel really secure in myself and give him the best of me and otherwise I am mostly this scared little mouse...
Oh and then his song for me came on ....
Eric Clapton... Wonderful tonight~
... I tried to control the tears... I walked upstairs... He called me down ... and he held me in his arms and danced with me and sang the song to me...
Boy was I crying at that point. I dont want to hurt him anymore Cinco. { You know like you said you felt so numb. Am I to blame for his drinking? It feel that way after he opened up his heart yesterday?} Please help. I want him to feel this great love I have for him in my heart, In his heart. I want him to know I love him...
~Ava
I will not give up , but I feel so bad for his hurt. I need help to open up and not be scared of living .....
It sounds like he is wanting for you to show him love in a way that shows you appreciate him. As soon as he walks in the door give him a smile and a hug (ummm, I wish I could get this point across to my W). There is nothing that messes up that greeting your sweetheart at home more than to hear about some problem or complaint. If you love him show him, maybe it's easier said than done.
When I come home I always find my W to give her a kiss and hug. For some reason this for the most part annoys her. WTF? I have to initiate all touching and when I do it is mostly unwanted. Maybe I'm feeling a little bit the way he is feeling now.
Maybe his back sliding has got you backing away from him a little?
Ava - You know our sitches are very much alike only that I'm the one doing the work trying to reach her and you are the one doing the work trying to reach him. He wants you to reach out to him but he doesn't do his part to reach out to you. Love doesn't work if it is one sided.
I plead with her to reach out to me but it never happens. I even said the other day that I want for us to be closer, her answer, "We already are close." Huh? I guess we are so close that's the reason she doesn't want me around her?
Ava (feels funny calling you that), I'm not sure how to describe this. I know my wife loves me: she rarely tells me that she does, she rarely touches me in a way that shows me, when she looks at me...I don't see it in her eyes and she doesn't show any passion for me. I know she loves me though and that is why this is all so difficult. If I left her I know I would break her heart... staying is breaking my heart, I try so hard to get her to love me in a way that I will know it without question.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't I can't make your heart feel something it won't... Bonnie Raitt
I dont want to hurt him anymore Cinco. { You know like you said you felt so numb. Am I to blame for his drinking? It feel that way after he opened up his heart yesterday?} Please help. I want him to feel this great love I have for him in my heart, In his heart. I want him to know I love him...
Ava - For me when I felt so numb and empty, remember that she was sleeping in another room. We had not had sex (or any physical contact for that matter) for about 6 months and then a year. I felt so isolated and alone, not even part of the family, just the bread winner and that was all. (Can you imagine going to bed night after night alone, with her in the room next door?)
I'm not sure if this is what he is feeling or not. My wife never made the effort to reach me. You ARE making an effort to reach him. Honestly I'm not sure what he is wanting. If my wife made even half of the effort that you have put forth I would be so grateful to have such a loving wife.
I don't think you are to blame at all Ava.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard when you know that you love someone but they won't open themselves to that love you want to give to them.
God please give us strength to keep loving them until they open their hearts to our love.
Ok So I have an update for you all. He is still drinking some but very much less than before. We are doing well. The kids couldn't be happier. We are spending a lot of time together as a Family.
I am actually doing these things more and he is receptive. more open mouth kissing and snuggling and touching. More hugging and talking. More holding hands than in a very long time. the sex is far more intimate and loving. There is not so much pressure on his part for me to be a Diva all the time. He did talk to me about how he feels when I don't do x, y or z and in a way that made sense and wasn't angry or too hurt. The positives for sure out weigh the negatives. I feel { we feel } a better connection. he is really coming along with me for this, this time around. He isnt dragging his feet or making excuses or blaming just me.
I am feeling very content. Mot elated or sad the ups and downs I am so used to. but content and happy to know that we are moving forward and growing...
Yesterday out of the blue he called me to ask if I could meet him for lunch.
He hasnt done this in a awhile. WE had a great weekend and then he calls me and tells me to get dolled up and meet him. Awesome. Usually he pulls back and we start all over. Not this time, and then when the kids got home we took them for ice cream and we sat and talked like a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All his idea, none of my insisting or prodding.
Hope you all are well, I am enjoying my 'New ' Hubby. WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!~!!!!!! ~Ava
Thanks hon. Cinco, Your support has been so good for me. It has helped me not to get lost in self pity all the time and put myself in his shoes too. We are all human after all. I will catch up on your thread soon. { haven't been a very good friend lately, having too much snuggle time. } I feel like I am dreaming. { he is going to leave soon and I already know I will miss him greatly , But I am going to have to make the best of it} Love, Ava
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