I've been getting a lot of advice on what to tell the kids as things progress toward a divorce. However, it all boils down to sharing the responsibility for things not working out and frankly, I'm in no mood to carry any of the weight of her throwing us away. I'm no saint, but, in the 10 months or so of MC, it was always this is what Dan does and has done that is wrong and is causing problems. She said from the beginning that maybe there were to many hurts. In my mind, that was then and still is now a copout BS excuse for not wanting to change.
Yeah, there's a little anger and bitterness floating around. No, I don't want the kids to hate their Mom. Much.
It's just damned hard when I've born the brunt of things and I'm the one who had to wrestle with the temptations to be irresponsible, when I'm the one who grew and changed and became more in the hopes of saving things. To ask that I also bear this burden is very difficult.
Anyway, I'm confronting her tomorrow and confronting her with the divorce petition for her to sign.
I am with you on the struggle. My K's are a little older and I decided that I would not lie to them. I have told them that I do not like what is happening and this is not what I want - I believe in our family and am committed to that.
Is that wrong? I am sure some will say it is because the K's then have to decide... but I am not in favour of my K's thinking that neither parent had the guts to stand up and fight for what is right.
I may burn in h3ll some day because I am perhaps making W out to be the evil one, but she made her bed and now must lie in it.
My signature phrase sums it up!
Take care and be strong! Your K's need that.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I think that the kids will have an understanding to a degree that it was their Mom behind things since she is the one that moved out 6 months ago and because she is the one that has spent precious little time with them.
I suppose that I'm willing to let them beat on me both metaphorically and physically in their pain and frustration. I'm a big strong Dad, I can take that. What I won't stand for is their thinking that I didn't try or that I divorced on a whim or that I wanted it. Those things I think I can manage until they are old enough to hear the good and bad about their parents. I also have no intention of sugar coating the things that I've done. That of course also will be tempered with the understanding that they don't need to know too many details.
Thanks for the sig file, I will have to remember that.
I think, in general if we think the WAS is more guilty than us, we feel OK about telling the kids what's going on.
In my situation I'm 100% comfortable telling the kids my side of the story with all my foibles. Of course, you can imagine, I think my wife's are much worse/more damaging. ;-)
Do you feel that your actions can stand in ther light of day?
I think you either tell them the WHOLE truth, including your crap, or you give them the "I'm OK, you OK, we're all OK, but Mommy and Daddy can't live together anymore and it's no one's fault" speech.
The temptation is to demonize your wife. If you do, be prepared to demonize yourself, too. It's only fair. And I don't think it's all that terrible lay it all out. Maybe the kids need to, at least, hear one parent ADMIT their fault in the situation.
If you are the one filing, I'm assuming you have suffient grounds.
You can and should tell them without blaming. They may ask what happened. Why. And you can share with them, that stuff, too.
But age-appropriate.
In my opinion, It is absolutely appropriate to tell them you did not (do not?) want the marriage to end. I think it is utter bullspit to say "we've decided together to get divorced" when that is just not true. I'm certainly not going to lie to my kids that way. "we've decided...."
You'd better practice what you will say, to make sure you're not leaking anger when you tell them. Just the facts!
