Guess I'll stay in the MLC forum. Maybe I'm having one too. I thought about going to 'separated' but I feel like I need to be here.
I need to get my house in order. My life, my kids, my financials.
Been playing 'victim' too long.
I need to be at peace with the life that has been presented to me, the life I've been living didn't really work. I think if I can find peace in accepting that my W didn't have the strength to help me through my tough times, and I didn't have the strength or understanding of what was happening to me.
Life is what it is. She looks for a new 'man' to be her knight and rescue her from her bad feelings, her fears.
I medicate with alcohol and withdraw, hoping someone will break into my prison and pull me out somehow.
3 times she has run away. Two of those times I gave her everything she asked for, did everything I could, to bring her back. Each time I died a little more but didn't really see it. All I saw was that I still hurt, and after a while I withdrew again. And I stayed there because I was alone, because there wasn't anyone to pull me out.
This time, I'm pulling myself out. It's been about 9 months and now I'm facing basically 100% destruction of my marriage now. Even I'm tired of this cycle.
So, I'm going to spend the next several weeks focusing on my relationship with God, and getting my own house in order. I'm moving on and doing the work I've been avoiding for so long.
I've let W go, now I'm going to stay dark, but be myself when I do talk to her. Just be me.
One of the things I have trouble with it whether or not to take down 'family' pictures with W in them. The kids live here in our home and I don't want to hurt their feelings but I also don't want to feel the hurt when I look at them.
But you think you can find peace in accepting that W didn't have the strength to help you, and you didn't have the strength or understanding of what was happening to you?
Aren't you seeking to find peace by making yourself out be the victim all over again?
But you think you can find peace in accepting that W didn't have the strength to help you, and you didn't have the strength or understanding of what was happening to you?
Aren't you seeking to find peace by making yourself out be the victim all over again?
No, I'm accepting and letting go of those feelings.
W came over this morning to pick up D13 for school. She was supposed to go get an MRI for her knee and told me she didn't go because it cost too much.
And that she's been doing 'energy work' on her knee and it's been helping.
She called me later from her work to ask me questions about E-Mailing lists of people with offers. Did I know someone her boss could use to do xyz. See, I'm still useful. I did get a sense that she felt uncomfortable talking to me. I talk businesslike to her. I did end the conversation telling her to have a good day.
I realize that when I talk to her I'm still to nice. I try to be businesslike, neutral, but I end up being pleasant.
I don't want to do that any more because I end up hating myself afterwards. She's an adulterer. She's a whack job and so are her friends. Have been for years. And she's destroyed my family.
I hate myself for being weak. For being afraid to offend her or hurt her feelings.
Frank, I can totally relate to being the nice guy. I have the same feelings of being too pleasant to my wife after she has treated me like dirt. Dont think of it as a weakness, but simply that you are a nice guy. Once you are past the anger and hurt, I am sure there is many a good lady out there that have a desire to be with a good guy such as yourself.
BTW... I took all the pictures with W in them months ago. Sure makes it seem like it is all my home again. She, in her nutty thinking, wants to put those pictures of us up in OM's home just like he has of his last 2 wives. I sometimes wonder if it is like trophys for them.
Personally, I would offer any of the family pictures to your daughters, to be kept in their room.
The rest I would put up, out of sight.
The last thing I needed after the ex left and took up with other guys was a daily reminder of the family we once had together.
My youngest was allowed to keep any pictures he wanted, and he can keep them in his room. I didn't throw any of them away, because one day the boys might want them. But I did not need to see them hanging in the house where she no longer lived, or cared to live.
This was for MY emotional well being.
Your anger is there on the surface Frank, and you're going to have to deal with it at some point. We all HOPE that our spouse who wants free will get out in the real world and find it not so much to their liking. That's natural. But I see you slipping close to actually wanting to see her suffer. And while I understand where that's coming from, I hope you realize it's not a healthy place, and you need to deal with it and get down from that position.
Maybe what's happening is that you are finally moving to the place where you are ready to let your wife FEEL the repercussions of her choices. Maybe you are ready to stop the easy access to the house, under the guise of seeing the girls. Non-custodial parents typically do NOT have the option of seeing the kids in the custodial parents home. And I know you are not divorced, but you are separated.
Channel this anger into positive, healthy choices for you. Begin to eliminate the things that bring constant reminders of the hurt she has caused, and begin to clean up your life of those reminders.
You ARE a good man. Unfortunately, like many of us, you wound up with a spouse who was not equally good.
Now it's time to fish or cut bait.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
