I am certainly glad there were some "positive" posts in response to my issue. Reading through the "negative" posts can be quite depressing. I must confess - I had to take an absence from this forum for two reason... (1) my sex drive decreased due to increased stress which caused wife and I to me more in sync. (2) it seemed I was doing a lot of time defending my wife here. Every time I posted something I didn't like about my current situation people would start calling me to arms to go out and fight the battle. To be honest, I'm sure a lot of there were right and those battles should be fought - however, I know there is a time and a place for every battle and sometimes you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it.
So, basically what I am getting from this "game" that my wife has started is still the same. She is tired of "milk toast man" - she wants us to have a better sex life. This is a big advance from where I was 2 years ago when I was on this forum before. Back then, she her attitude was "once a month is good for me...take it or leave it"
I have created a situation where our entire sex life is her responsibility - I use all kinds or rules and measures to determine if it's the "right time" to ask/initiate. She has always said the same thing... YOU need to initiate when YOU want to. I want to feel like YOU are doing this, not waiting for me to do this or that or so many days to pass.
So, I was "about to" speak with her about our recent decrease in sex - but, she beat me to it... well, I'm always "about to" everything when it comes to our sex life... I'm "about to" initiate or "about to" man up or "about to" make her feel like a woman. But, I don't... there is a big difference between "about to" and "doing something"
So, since she is actively "doing something" about our relationship with a goal that is positive and something I want as well (being a more confident man and having more sex) - I am willing to play her game for now.
I have set up my own rules for this game though - so, don't think I am totally in for a whipping.
Someone said that she has elected herself judge, jury, and executioner - well, she has... but, that does not mean I have to go along with it. So far, she has just called it like it is. When I do some lame attempt at initiating she calls it like it is. When I am confident and manly she purrs like a kitten. If that ever changes I will be the first to call "foul" - if I am doing something that in my mind is a good attempt that I am proud of and she calls "poor attempt" I will contest it. So far she is just calling it like it is... when I go in there and do some last minute... gee ya wanna... she let's me know. Truth is, I pretty much know going in there how it's going to turn out - and that's the point she is trying to make. If you are going to do some wimpy - half-a%% attempt - how is that going to do anything towards getting her turned on.
As for the comments on her manipulating me into the man she wants and then not being happy because she made me that way. Well, that is not likely since she does not tell me what she "wants" - I have tried in the past to take the easy way out..."just tell me how to do it and what you want and then I'll do it that way and you'll be happy" - her answer is always "I'm not going to tell you how to initiate - you have to develop that yourself in your own way..."
So, my attempt Wednesday night was super lame. And yes, to the cries of many on this forum... I slept on the couch. But, last night I said the right things and touched the right places and she purred. I felt good, I was confident, she liked it. I will not be on the couch tonight. Now, whether "Fred" will be gone or not is another issue.
And to the person that said "if it's that time of the month she should substitute with other - oral, etc" - that has never been part of our routine (sex without intercourse) so, it's not something I'm going to introduce in the middle of this game. If, however this really does go on for 365 days I will definitely be introducing some non-intercourse offers in there since I don't see us increasing our frequency to 20 days a month and I certainly can't let her get away with "that was a great initiation, but I'm tired" 20 days a month.
To clear up that last sentence, I really can't see this going for 365 days since the last time she setup every Friday date nights that only lasted two months.
Good for you Texas, I think its great, and I feel bad if you felt as if you were having to defend your wife. I think maybe it was people thinking YOU were not happy, and were responding to that. So, good luck, and keep posting. There's a lot of great people here, with great advice and experience to share. Remember, its you who has to be happy here.
As you are no doubt aware, you aren't the first man on these boards who's wife has informed him, in one way or another, that a large part of her problem in not responding to him sexually is his lack of masuculinity -- both in and out of the bedroom: he needs to "MAN UP", take charge, and (figuratively and sometimes literally) 'take' her. When you have the time, read through the following threads:
I'm not saying that you'll identify with *everything* in both threads: Bear and I are quite different from each other, age-wise and otherwise, and have rather different situations. But there is a common theme there that you can follow, and can perhaps see some similarities to yourself in. Take a read, and let us some feedback (regarding both your wife and yourself).
Best regards,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Bagheera, I will try to read over your suggested threads.
on a positive note I have been wanting to try an experiment of my own for quite some time and never could get myself to do it.
DW always said that I never give her enough opportunities to say "yes" and always ask at wrong time/ wrong way so it leads to high percentage of failure. She feels this gives her an unfair "fail rate." She seems to imply that she is in the mood 30-40 percent of the time, it's just that I'm always initiating during the 60-70% she is not.
So, I always wanted to test her theory and either prove her right or wrong. If I initiate 100% of the time will our sex life increase from 10% to 30%??
Bagheera, I will try to read over your suggested threads.
on a positive note I have been wanting to try an experiment of my own for quite some time and never could get myself to do it.
DW always said that I never give her enough opportunities to say "yes" and always ask at wrong time/ wrong way so it leads to high percentage of failure. She feels this gives her an unfair "fail rate." She seems to imply that she is in the mood 30-40 percent of the time, it's just that I'm always initiating during the 60-70% she is not.
So, I always wanted to test her theory and either prove her right or wrong. If I initiate 100% of the time will our sex life increase from 10% to 30%??
we shall see...
I'd be very interested to see this as well. My own experience -- and observance of other "clashing libidos" relationships -- has always been that most low-drive partners' challenges like these end up being red herrings (Or is it "straw men"??? I always get those two mixed up . . . ), and never lead to more sex.
Just curious Tex...Does your W ever initiate ( I mean, prior to this game)? Do you want her to?
Yes, DW initiated prior to this game. Of course, we have had discussions with counselor about the fact that...
a. she has never faced rejection from me b. she can pretty much just say "let's go" and that's it - I have to be 45 steps more elaborate to get her motor running...
I'd be very interested to see this as well. My own experience -- and observance of other "clashing libidos" relationships -- has always been that most low-drive partners' challenges like these end up being red herrings (Or is it "straw men"??? I always get those two mixed up . . . ), and never lead to more sex.
Puppy
So far, it is NOT leading to more sex - though it is too early to tell since she was on her period for the first week of this "game"
However, I am keeping a journal of this "game" - I know it's not good to predict a failure, but I have a feeling I am going to need some facts if this thing goes bad real quick.
For example... two nights ago I think we should have had sex.
Why? Well, I initiated in a confident manner - she liked it, she had a 2 hour nap that day and was wide awake after kids went to bed... and she said "sorry, not interested..."
so, I'm keeping track of all these nights when she should have "just done it" and yet she chose not to.
Also something I think that is going to come up as this game progresses is the following issues...
- I am supposed to initiate EVERY night - yet, I am not in the mood EVERY night - So, I have to GET myself in the mood...come on strong...then get shot down... leaves me sitting there ready to go and now I have to go to sleep...makes me irritated that I got myself all motivated and now I have to un-motivate myself - she has taken the position that even if I initiate in a positive way...even if there is nothing preventing us from having sex...she can still say "no" -- with no penalty...
I think once we get a little farther into this I am going to have to insist that if I succeed in initiating and she says "no" then she either...
1. sleeps on the couch 2. does "something" to relieve my issues...
), and never lead to more sex.