Wife have moved out with my son..........now what

[nw626]

Hi everyone
I am a newbie here.
Here is my story. Sorry it is pretty long……!!!
We've been married for 4 years.
I met my wife at work. We were friends. We started dating roughly 2 years in working together. We bought a house together about 6 months in our relationship. Then we get married several months after. It is my first and my wife second marriage.

I thought I was the luckiest guy of the world. We want to build a family but she can't have any baby. So we decide to adopt one. We adopted our son from China when he was 10 months old, now he is 2½. He is the best thing ever happen to us. We love him dearly.

I don't even know when our marriage starts having trouble. She had complained to me before several times about I was controlling, treating her like a kid, don't trust her judgment, second guessing her decision, finishing up everything behind her. I guess she is right.

In my mind, I thought I was taking care of things. I want to do everything for her so she can just relax and chill out. I did complain to her before about spending too much money.

Finally back in June, she told me that she is not in love with me anymore. She had felt this way for a while because I ignored her feelings. She said her resentment to me slowly built up and numb her feeling toward me. She wants to move back to her hometown to be with her family. She has no friends here, not a single one......

In August, she started going to a support group site. I didn't think too much of it. She started become really secrecy. Every time I walked by the computer, she would minimize everything and clear out all the history.

I started to have suspicious. Sure enough I found out through her e-mails that she met another married man through the support site. All those e-mails were really graphic, like INTERNET sex. And they were planning to use the web cam soon. So I confronted her for the first time. She said sorry that she had hurt me. I thought she would stop after that, but no....

Next week her new laptop came in and she started sleeping in the other room. She said she needed space. She stayed up late so she could chat with him on line and of course doing things through the web cam. I confronted her again and she denied it. Keeps saying they were just friends. I believed she had fall in love with OM.

She left to her hometown (6 HRs drive away) with our son on Monday 09-08-2008 after another marriage talk. I guess I put too much pressure on her.

I called her the following Saturday just to let her know I will move out and she will have the space she asked for. Next thing I know, I brought up her affair again and asked her to stop and wake up from her fantasy world. I also told her she is breaking up 2 families. As you all can imagine, the phone call didn't end well.

I found out the next day (Sunday) from her mom that she has decided to stay in her hometown for good. I guess she couldn’t stand my constant nagging about her affair / marriage talk.
Since I had to go out town for business for 2 weeks, she requested me to drive our dogs and cat to her mom. By doing that, I got a chance to see my son but it was so tough because I didn’t know when the next chance will be. I also packed some of their belongings to them. Trust me, it wasn’t easy. I felt like I was sending my wife and son away.

On Friday (09-26-2008), the other man’s wife called me. Somehow she found my number. We confirmed out identity to make sure we are talking to the right person. Next thing you know, we talked for 4 hours. I told her everything that I knew about the affair, including they were planning to meet up. Anyway she called my wife the same night and gave her an ear-full. She also sent her several nasty e-mails. I think she has every right to do so.

On Monday (09-29-2008), my wife posted this on her blog. She didn’t send e-mails to me on this. I guess she knows I will check her site out.
I have done something very wrong and now I am paying the price in so many ways. I wanted a divorce and I still do because I think we are incompatible. I am very sorry that you got hurt. I know what you are feeling right now. You were right; I did end up getting hurt. But I just fell for all the things I was told...and I actually believed it. Add this to the already existing stress level and it continues to go up. We will both move on with our life. It will just take time for both of us. We did not see things the same way and I kept trying to tell you. Let's just maintain a civil relationship for our child. Thanks and take care.

As of now, I think the affair is over. She also states on her site “XXXX is moving on” and changes her status to “Divorced” which we haven’t. I know she is not wearing her wedding ring anymore. I guess she is out there looking for “Mr Right” in the weekend.

I haven’t talk to her for almost a month now. We have e-mails exchange here and there regarding our son. We also have separated our finance. She has her own account now. Her current job allows her to work remote, so she will just work out from her dad’s place. Her dad can’t find any work and on the blink of going under. She told me she will take over both her mom (not working also) and dad houses notes and bills. I don’t even know how she is going to do this.

For the past several days, she sounds so much happier from her blogs. Also my son is having a blast down there because her big family (more than 60 people). There are lots of kids to play with and plenty to do around the beaches. Unlike here, he is the only kid here in my family of 7 totals.

Is there still hope since my wife is so much happier now away from me?

Now I am using the last resort techniques and (GAL) as best as I can.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I appreciate your time of reading this.....

Thanks, NW626

[ms ladybug]

First of all, welcome here! This is a great place to come to for advice, venting, or hugs.
Now, your wife seems so much happier now. And, she may be. She's still in the "honeymoon" stage of living the single life. It doesn't last long though. She also may be writing about how happy she is knowing that you or even OM read her blog. It takes a lot of guts to move out, and often pride will get in the way of admitting that you made a mistake, tucking in your tail, and coming home.

Now, on your end. Your wife made in clear what was making her unhappy. What can you do differently?

It's NOT OK to have your son 6hrs away. Not OK at all, And, an occasional email exchange regarding your son is not enough. At this rate, you'll be completely out of his life in no time at all. Why don't you call him every night to say good-night? We do that in my house with d5 and s2. Tell him, every night that you love him and miss him, and set up a time, NOW that you will see him again. You need to take him for a week or a weekend, or whatever. He's your son as much as he's hers. If divorce is down the road, the courts will look at how much time you spent with your son now to determine how much time you'll see him later. Your are setting a precendent NOW. Don't blow it.

Hopefull others will chime in here. Meanwhile continue with your GAL. That's the best you can do now.

[nw626]

Hi Ladybug

Thanks for the advice.

My wife suppose to call me tonight so I can say "Good night" to our son. I am still on business trip in London which is 6 HRs ahead of her. Hopefully I will get a chance to talk to him tonight. He is out on a field trip with his cousin today. I don't think my wife has any intention to keep him away from me.
It will be much easier when I am home this Friday.

I am working on my controlling issue. I realize I have stopped being her friend and become her advisory, bad mistake.
I am trying to get back to basic and become her friend again. I am trying to support her in any way that I can if she will let me.
I was also very judgmental toward her and her family. That's one of the biggest issue. I didn't put myself in her shoe before I made my stupid comments. She had a tough childhood. Her dad divorced twice and her mom divorced 3 times and they are single now with no income and saving.
There are so many things that I need to work on. I am trying to change it day by day, little by little. I am taking this challenge to make myself a better person for myself and my love ones.
This is so tough. Sometimes I just can't see the light of the tunnel. If I see the light, hope is not the cheesy one....

I was planning to drive down to see my son at least once a month for now. I still need to take care of my mom and grandma (86) at home sometimes because they both don't drive and don't speak too much English. My sister and I both take care of them.

The past several days, I was even thinking move to her hometown so I can be closer to my son, but it is tough to leave my family here also. I guess I can't worry about that now.

Thanks for all of you listening...

[nw626]

My wife never called last night.
I texted her and called her, no answer.
I wasn't able to talk to our son again.
Looks like I will not able to until Friday when I am done with my business trip. This is so frustrated. I wasn't even planning to talk to her. May be I am stressing her out again.
The last e-mail that I had from her yesterday, she shows the anger that I have ended her affair, spying on her and destroyed the other M's family by talking with OM's wife.

My plan right now is no more e-mails, texts and calls to her from me, even I really want to talk to our son.
Since I was bugging her everyday about talking to our son, will this move counts as 180?

Is this a good plan?

Please advice....

[hopeforfuture]

May be I am stressing her out again.
The last e-mail that I had from her yesterday, she shows the anger that I have ended her affair, spying on her and destroyed the other M's family by talking with OM's wife.

Stressing her out??? Isn't she the one that had the affair and moved out with your son?? Don't worry about her stress levels. Focus on yourself and reducing YOUR stress.

My plan right now is no more e-mails, texts and calls to her from me, even I really want to talk to our son.
Since I was bugging her everyday about talking to our son, will this move counts as 180?

NO, NO, NO!!! Call to talk to you son. Period. Call everynight to just say goodnight. Don't use it as an oppurtunity to talk to wife. Just ask for son, say goodnight, Daddy loves you and then hang up the phone. 2 1/2 is pretty young to have much phone conversation, but you do need to stay relevant in his life.

[nw626]

Hi Hope
Thanks for the advice
Wife actually e-mail me and apologize for not call me.
She said she will call again tonight. We will see about that.
If she is not calling, I will call them.
I am also thinking sending my son a video e-mail. I don't want him to forget his Daddy here. At least he can see me.....
This is not easy....!!

[nw626]

Hi all
I finally talked to my son tonight.
It makes me so happy just to hear his voice. On the other hand, I am really sad because I am so far away from him.
Of course, my wife didn't talk to me. Her sister called instead.
I think she will not talk to me for a long long time.
Everyday it seems like the hope to save this marriage is getting smaller and smaller.
At least I feel better for the past couple days because of (GAL) and work.
I still found myself constantly checking e-mails, text and calls hoping from her. God I am so pathetic.

I know I am whining here.....but man this is tough.

[nw626]

I called my wife tonight. She actually picked up the phone.
I was able to say "good night" to my son. It was really nice.
Actually wife seems to be open up little bit.
We didn't talk anything about our R. I let her pretty much dictate the conversation. She talked about how she's been doing and such. I show sign of caring toward her but not like H and W. She treats me right now as a friend.
I guess this is a good start. At least I didn't feel her anger like before.
It looks like I am finally doing something right.
My next goal is seeing her......hopefully soon.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi nw626, Just stopping by to say hello. You have gotten some good advise for your rollercoaster ride. Hang in there. Let patients be your friend .... you will need it, like we all here do.

[Clayton]

Hey there nw626,

My wife left me 5mths ago and initially it waw pretty tense between us. In the initial few weeks after the seperation, I felt that she was made of ice the way she interacted with me.

I deciced early on to treat her with respect, kindness and love no matter where this road went.

We are now slowly rebuilding our relationship as a friendship and who knows where this will lead.

I strongly suggest that you take the high-road whenever possible and behave with dignity and honour. Read "divorce remedy" and work out a stragegy on how you will move forward with your situation.

You will get a lot of support here and meet many people with similar challenges and we can work through this together.

Good to meet you.
Clayton