Hello, it's me again! Thank you for accepting me and giving me advice. One thing my betrayed H and I are having problems dealing with is the truth -- not a big surprise there. I completely understand that he cannot believe ANYTHING I say because of all the lies I've told him. How do I respond when he brings up certain situations that occurred during the infidelity and says that he believes it happened a certain way. And he says that he knows I will deny it happened his way. I do deny and explain all the above, i.e. I know he can't trust me, but this is the truth. And it's such a vicious circle. I really just don't know how I should respond when he brings these things up and is convinced he knows the truth. Does this make sense? If you are the BS, and felt you knew the truth about certain things, what would you even want the WS to say if you didn't want them to continue to deny (because it actually is the truth)? Since I cannot convince him when I am telling the truth at this time, I'm just looking to find a response that will show him I understand he can't trust me right now (without adding a "but" -- but I don't know what else to say). LL
Honestly LIfeline...I'm so worried about you. The way you and your H are going about this "reconciliation" seems to be more about him trying to beat you into the ground than reconciling.
But as for this topic, can you be a bit more specific about what the "thing" was that there is a disagreement over the "truth" about? You can change details to make it more generic if it is something painful. It would help though to know what type of thing you are speaking of...?
And one more thing...You only briefly mentioned in another post...that your H had a porn problem and possibly an EA online...can you please fill us in on that, a little bit? I think there is possibly something being overlooked here...
I wanted my H to be truthful - even if it hurt. My BS meter was on high alert after being told about the A and any discrepancies in anything he said would get picked on and mulled over. The only way he could be get round that was to be truthful. If he tried to save my feelings....and in doing so was less than truthful....if he forgot and changed his story the next time I would have known......and even if he had done it so as to try to lessen the hurt it would have reduced my belief in him again.
It meant that at times I had to accept that the truth was sometimes him saying he couldn't remember; because he couldn't. The details would be etched on my brain because they hurt so badly and I would go over and over them in my head....whilst for my H they had lost their importance - in fact he wanted to forget because remembering just made him feel bad.
LL - I understand your H is hurting....for goodness sakes, I have lived it...it caused me to try and end my life.....but your H's behaviour is going to far.
Personally I think you need to question whether or not this R can be saved....and at what price and in what time scale. Don't lose yourself in the process. Be sorry for what you have done to another human being....but don't be reckless and let him abuse you. Don't let him beat you into emotional submission and make you forget who you are....otherwise later on you will hold it against him and look outside the M again.
I know he is probably just testing, but it really is going too far. Be honest, be truthful, be clear and act in good conscience now and in the future. You can't change what you DID but you are in charge of your future.
Being betrayed does not make your H right about everything or entitled to treat you like this. Look at the majority of the LBS on here; they wouldn't act like your H is doing.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
DQ -- the porn viewing and possible (never confirmed) EA was about 8 or 9 years ago and we dealt with it through counseling. I really feel like it has been handled well. As far as what type of lie he is convinced I'm not being truthful about -- an example is whether or not OM and I discussed each other's spouses. We didn't. I am sure we didn't because if we discussed each other's spouses then we would have to accept that what we were doing was wrong. Make sense? But my H is just positive that married people having As MUST be unhappy with their spouses and MUST talk about it. There are a couple other examples but what they all have in common is the fact that my H feels I'm lying because of how he thinks. Also, he guessed I was having an A right away and has been 99 percent right about a lot of things. So he feels that if he was right about that much, why wouldn't he be right about the other 1 percent. I hope that helps describe what is going on here. They say it takes 2-7 years to get "through" the effects of the A -- if that's the case, I'm still pretty early so I feel I need to wait until the two-year point and make any kind of separation decision then. To be fair to him.
Saffie, Yes, I know what you mean about telling the truth even if it hurts. I told most of it on D-Day. Then I told a little more about three months later after realizing I wasn't protecting my H by not being truthful. Then I told the final truth during a lie detector test. I passed the test but a few details came out during the interview and that's what my H said is killing him. So he really does know every dirty detail, and I mean every dirty detail but he cannot be convinced of this. I know what you are saying about asking myself if the M can be saved. I do ask myself that. I do keep myself in check and have started standing up for my self-respect. I am starting to learn that I do need to forgive myself even if my H can't forgive me. Thank you, LL
ok I am so proud of you for telling the truth. that is something so many of us will never have!! and I see you feel guilt, I pray every single day that my H feels some kind of guilt, and someday will just say I am sorry.
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
If this was more of a normal situation I would say you are going to have to give him time, and that he has to begin seeing that you are telling the truth. But I to am worried about you and this situation. I am not sure if its be asked and answered before, but have you talked to him about going in C? I feel that he is trying to punish you more then anything else, if he was truly trying to reconcile, then he wouldn't be going out of his way to hurt. Of course there is going to be hurt, and of course sometime we lose our cool and may say something in the heat of the moment that may be hurtful, but we aren't setting out to be hurtful.
Maybe just flat out ask him what he wants from you, what is it going to take for you both to truly begin to heal and move on, and based on what his answer is it may give you some direction on which way to go.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
He made you go to the extent of a lie detector test? I am flabberghasted. Can you see this isn't quite normal? Will he have you on Jerry Springer next?
LL - can you see how people on here are worrying about you? And most of us are LBS - this should tell you something. Are you trying to punish yourself?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I had same problem but H was right i had not told whole truth. Took 3 years for me to tell truth. H asuured me that it was the lies that was killing the marriage.
So out it came and he has never hated me as much.
Regrets - some. Trouble is that now, everything he asks and the answer he does not like , he thinks its lies.
Very frustrating. Maybe enough talk now. I know your fighting for a marriage but everything you have done so far is not working.....
Try saying enough . I dont think you have nothing to lose now.
