I'm pretty much a mess right now. I feel like the person I was way back pre-bomb. Miserable in my M and w/ myself. I keep telling myself I am going to end up pushing H away again. I keep trying to remember how I felt during the whole D sitch. I certainly don't want to be back there again and would have to face the fact that this time it really would be my fault b/c I know better. I keep trying to picture H how I saw him during the D sitch. I couldn't believe I was about to lose him and now I have absolutely no SD again, almost feeling myself the ILYBNILWY crap.
I know I need to start acting "as if" I am the happiest woman in the world. I really should be actually -- I have a great H and 3 great little boys, but yet I feel pretty much angry & depressed all the time.
I wake up every morning telling myself that I'm going to turn myself & my attitude around, but then the day turns out just the same as yesterday.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I wake up every morning telling myself that I'm going to turn myself & my attitude around, but then the day turns out just the same as yesterday.
What do you need to do to have the day you want? Google Martin Seligman and "Learned Optimism" look up the ABC technique. It will work for you if you do it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So you're feeling like you're sliding back to where you were pre-bomb...my question is: what did you do for yourself (GAL) while H was away that you're not doing now? Any ideas what could be causing the anger & depression?
Like Saffie suggests, maybe you need to look into whether some AD's might help. From what you describe, a general dissatisfaction with your life, despite knowing you have a good H, children and family, indicates the common disillusionment we tend to have in modern life. We all are vulnerable to these feelings from time to time, and they should pass. But if they persist then maybe seeking some help would be in order?
There are a couple of things that have helped me (suffering from my own depression) aside from the AD's, and aside from my renewed walk with Christ (which is more than enough) -- I have found that helping others helps get my focus off of my own problems (for example, I just completed helping in a project to gather canned and dry goods to restock the pantry for the local inter-faith soup kitchen). And also remembering to take care of myself ( through GALing) is key as well (although I must admit this has been scarce for me the last month or so).
Hey all & thanks for the responses. I know some of you are thinking "big f'ing wah, kelly," and I truly know that the only way I'm going to get through this is to "man up" and just start thinking positively. I think that's a big part of my problem is that I allow myself to just dwell on the fact that I'm "not happy," etc.
I actually started getting a little spooked yesterday thinking that H may be feeling some of the same things and that I needed to just get my rear in gear & start db'ing again. When we were going through the whole D sitch, I could "act" happy etc., so I need to start doing it now.
I am on an AD, but I've asked my doctor if we can try a different one.
I've actually already started this a.m. While getting the boys ready, I was able to keep my cool unlike the usual "breaking point" I get to. I could tell I was getting upset so I calmly told the oldest that from now on I'm not going to continually remind him that he needs to get his chores done in the a.m. and that if he doesn't get them done, it's going to be on him as to the consequences (no tv etc). Then the youngest didn't want to eat his cereal, but wouldn't let me just take his bowl to the kitchen either. I ended up just having oldest walk so that I could wait on the other 2 to get done eating.
In other words, I'm REacting differently than I usually do. I've fallen into the old pattern of just being p'oed all the time when I really don't need to be.
I'm kind of rambling here, but I guess when Coach referred me to that one book, I realized that only I could change my patterns and ways of thinking.
I've also known all along if I would just give it all over to God, it would all be ok, but I'm just always so stubborn in wanting to fix it myself. I know if I just let go & let God, everything will be ok. I just need to keep that in the forefront of my mind at all times.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Hi RHW, Just checking in on you...you are missed on the other board. It's so hard getting caught back up in the routine of life...maybe you can shake things up, like take the family on some autumn type adventure? Or forget that, just pick up some Halloween candy for yourself...reese's is my personal fav!
Just wanted you to know that IC's little girl is having surgery today, so keep them in your thoughts/prayers...thanks!
Ok, would like some input on a totally different subject. I overheard my boss totally bad-mouthing me to a client who felt I was rude to him. I really want to tell my boss that it hurt my feelings, but don't know for sure. What if he says "well, yeah, I really do think you're a real biotch." I would have to totally swallow my pride to continue working here. We can't afford for me not to have a job & we do live in a pretty small city, so jobs aren't necessarily available around here.
What do you guys think?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
RHW, What is the relationship like between you and your boss? Do you sense that overall, your boss approves of your work? It may be that your boss may have just been trying to smooth things over and appease a client. My feeling is that you should sit on this for now...if your boss has any real gripe with you, he/she will let you know. I just don't think you are in a good enough space at the moment to handle this kind of confrontation. I say wait and give it some time until you are a bit less emotional/reactive/sensitive. JMO.
