Always good to see updates from you. I think that is a good insight about there being less of a chance of your H regretting his choices if you give him time and space now. I feel like that is especially the case with your H being so young. I would hate to see, down the road, him feeling like he was forced to "give up his freedom" too young. I'm sure that if you are patient with him, he will never have reason to feel that way.
I'm really happy for you both that you'll be spending Christmas together, and that some of that time you will be alone together. From what you've been saying it sounds like that alone time is something that is really good for the two of you.
Praying for the enlistment bonus to come through soon! Sounds like there is no question that it is there and due to your H, but that it is taking ages to figure out how to get it! How frustrating, but I am really confident that it will work out just when it needs to.
In the meantime are you still applying for jobs? Is your H applying for any jobs now? Are you considering different cities to move to or is that still up in the air?
Sorry about your company and the unemployment thing. I would suspect that there is some kind of rule about this, although it might vary with the size of the company. Sometimes small businesses, i.e. companies with less than a specific number of employees, are exempt from rules that would apply to larger companies. Also there may be different rules depending on the type of contract you have. For example if you were not guaranteed any specific number of hours per week when you started, this could have an impact as well. I don't know how this would work. If I were you I would definitely look into that!
In any case I still read your post as incredibly positive, and I'm so glad to hear that things, finances aside, are going well. Please keep us posted!
ITH
Last edited by istherehope; 12/14/0801:25 PM.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I think things are going really well. But I will feel much much better when the finances settle down and we get through Christmas. As much as I love this time of year it is hard when you are crunched finance wise.
Hopefully we will get more news tomorrow and Tuesday about this whole money/military situation. My hubby has a few more calls to make. I'm antsy because I know if it drags out much longer we will almost have to wait until the New Year to get news because people taking time off and such. I could probably wait it out that long but I would really be happier if we could get part of this settled sooner than that.
It seems like all the doors are closing around us.
But as always the most important and best thing is that we are a team in this and that each challenge will give us the opportunity to grow closer together! That's the goal anyways.
Oh trust me I definatly know that it sucks when the finances are tight. I have cut about 80% of the people off of my list and am only getting for my immediate family and best friend.
Don't stress about it though, even though things are not going as fast as you would like the relationship itself has improved dramatically. I am so happy for you that things are going so well and you guys are still doing future talk and have learned to talk about problems instead of fighting about them.
Things will get better just hang in there and keep positive!!
I am trying really hard to keep up the PMA but am not doing a very good job I'm afraid. I am really really stressed right now. I was supposed to work today (I did not work last week at all and this day was only because my co-worker needed the day off) and I was/am snowed in. There was such bad ice and snow that my work was not going to open so my only chance for a little money coming in and it gets ruined.
Because of the snow things with the army are getting even more delayed because people are not in their offices. So I am not holding my breath to get any news.
I am going to do some applications online but there is just not a lot out there right now. Then when the snow clears up I can take out some applications that I was planning on taking around today after work. Another botched plan I guess.
Things are still good between us but my stress level is really getting in between us. It's not as fun to talk because I always bring up the money situation. It's like I can't help it. I'm so stressed and feel out of control and he is laid back and "it's gonna work out" HOW!!! Tell me how it will work out and I will believe you and calm down. Until I see a solid plan I'm going to keep being stressed.
So still no fighting but I can tell that he is getting frustrated with me. Because of this I am going to try and keep contact low until I can calm down a little.
I'm hoping and praying that this will all pass soon and the New Year will bring peace and happiness.
I don't know if anyone will be around today but I could use some help.
Things are spiraling downwards at a rapid pace for hubby and I.
We have had two pretty serious arguments over the past few days and are in the middle of another one right now. The way he is dealing with it is making me insane and miserable and I am really questioning if I even want to be with this man anymore. He is infuriating and so immature and I do not know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.
We are arguing about the same things that brought me to these boards 7 months ago.
1. Common interests (or lack thereof) 2. Family issues (thanks to the holidays!) 3. Time he spends with friends rather than being responsible
I can't do this!
I am BEYOND stressed out right now and he will not do anything to help me out. He is still too busy playing with his stupid little friends to get a freaking job! He has been home for 2 months now and I understand that it is a tough market right now but COME ON! I just recently started applying and already have a job interview lined up. So it's not impossible. He is going to try to get unemployment this week so that we can afford to pay our bills. But that will not help us move out of our places and find somewhere to live together. It's just going to drag this process out.
Ugh.
There is so much to say. We have had a snow/ice storm here for over a week now and I am going crazy being trapped with my parents day in and day out. We are all getting on each others nerves and arguing. So that is not helping at all. And I have not been working and am down to like ten bucks in my bank account and my last paycheck is floating around somewhere because the mail hasn't been delivered in days and even if it did how do I get to the bank? Grr!
It's like everything is hitting me at once and I can't take it anymore. It just seems like it would be better to cut him loose and move on with my own life instead of waiting around for him to get off his lazy ass and do something for us. He claims he is trying to find a job but he has like 2 applications out there. How is that trying? Everyone knows it is a numbers game and you will not get a job with 2 applications.
We argued about that last night and even though the conversation ended well I just don't like it and it's making me angry.
Today we are arguing about family and how it is a "non fixable" issue in his opinion because I "hate his family" and he thinks I am "too stuck on mine" Which is insane because I have been begging him to take me away from them for months now!!! I have offered to move around with the army to be with HIM not THEM. How hard of a concept is that? Ugh!
We have been text arguing this morning and he will not respond to some of my texts and will not take my calls and when I say I am tired of texting he says "then take a break. . ." What an @$$!!!
I'm sorry this is such a negative post for Christmas Eve, believe me I wish it were happy, cheery news. I just need to vent and I have no one here to vent to because even the walls have ears!!!
I'm just sick and tired of being in this position and I see no end in sight. With or without him it appears I am stuck.
Bottom line he is being rude and disrespectful to me and I cannot deal with this for the rest of my life so what am I supposed to do? How do I know when to get rid of him?
Well as it's Christmas now I assume you will be doing something other than checking the boards, but I wanted to check in on you anyway...I hope you are feeling better today!
As you're on the DB board, we're all going to tell you to hang in there, stick it out, that the hard work should be worth it etc. I am not any different in this, but in terms of your question, "how do I know when to get rid of him," of course that is your decision, and your decision alone. You have to decide whether you can deal with this (hopefully) short-term pain for a longer-term gain. There isn't a set breaking point based on time and specific actions, and it seems that even when the LBS hits a breaking point, the WAS often comes back, just look at Kalni's sitch...
I still think that many of the behaviors that you don't appreciate about your H are related to age and maturity, and that they would not be unique to him, and moreover will likely be traits that he will grow out of. Of course only you can decide whether to take a gamble on things improving over time, and only you can decide how long you can deal with things the way that they are.
I'm really sorry about your living situation. My hunch is that if you were actually with your H, a lot of these obstacles would seem more surmountable. I know it must be tough being stuck with your parents, and not having enough money to move forward. While it sounds like your H isn't showing it, my bet is that he is really unhappy about not being able to provide for you. I am not implying that he is handling things in the best way, only that it must be having an effect on him as well.
So let's say that you find a job first. Will this be enough to move you into a place of your own, a place where your H can stay? Are there any short-term solutions? I don't really understand what your H's living situation is like. Would it be at all feasible for you to stay with him? I know it feels like you are stuck, but there must be some way forward, whether you choose to move forward with him or not. Do you have mutual friends or family in another place that you could stay at together for awhile until you land on your feet?
Thinking of you and hoping things are improving today...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I appreciate the thoughtful post on Christmas. Very sweet of you.
Well my hubby just left. He ended up coming over last night and staying the night and spending all day here with me and my family. We had a long conversation on the phone about this whole situation and I think got a few things sorted out at least for now.
I think you are right in that the stress from my living situation and financial situation is making these other issues feel much worse than they actually are. I know he is young and I can see he is growing in small ways. There are days when I just get so fed up with his behavior. But it is more of an annoyance and not a deal breaker. I sometimes just think I deserve the best and that the best is this fairy tale image of a man and marriage. I think we all do that to some point.
In reality he is a damaged man who is trying to find his own way in this world without really knowing where to start. So it looks a lot like flailing around and can sometimes be painful or annoying to watch. But he is also very sweet and creative and loving. So it kinda balances out. And I think you are right and he will grow out of this stage eventually. And I think that when we are back on our own he will act more grown up because he will have to be more grown up.
As far as finances and living situation we are really both quite stuck where we are. He stays in the living room of a friends house with his family. I stay here at my parents. If/when I get a job it will not make enough money to support us both. The only way I was going to be able to move out on my own was by taking a full time and a part time job. The job I will interview for at the beginning of the year would pay enough hourly but I do not know how many hours it would provide. I suppose I could find another part time job and that job. Who knows. I do know that I am not going to work and move on my own and let him come live with me and do nothing all day. I highly doubt he would do that as he is trying to find a job (more than I thought he was, he told me other places he has been trying and asked for my help with another application) but I could see that building a lot of resentment. And without his enlistment money we will not have money for a deposit saved up so it would be a few months down the road anyways.
We do not have any mutual friends period as we have always lived in two seperate cities. As sad as that sounds. So that too would be a no-go. I am not trying to shoot down ideas ITH just laying out the sitch.
We talked more tonight about jobs and moving and blah blah. I know that he knows he needs a job. He is going to fill out some apps tomorrow and make phone calls on Monday. I just wish I could get inside his head for ten minutes and see what he is thinking. It's been 2 months now!
He did not get here until late last night because there was slow moving traffic due to the ice storm and everything. So we stayed up awhile and had a good time together. And today was fine as well even though we were stuck with my family all day. We played games and watched a movie. Took a nap together which is always nice.
Bottom line for me now is that I know he is growing and trying. And I know that if I can hang in there just a little while longer we can really pull this thing together. It's just surviving the in between that is my challenge. All H's have annoying and undesirable qualities and habits. I'm sure I'm no picnic to live with either sometimes. He has a long way to go, as do we as a couple, but if I stay focused on the fact that we are very very young and that things will get better with time and effort I can stay motivated to keep on keeping on.
Thanks for dropping in ITH. I always appreciate it! Hope you had a marvelous day!
Hi Daisy and ITH, Just thought I'd drop by and say hi and offer some support. Financial pressure can be really tough... my wife and daughter and I were strapped (admittedly by the standards in which we grew up, which were fairly middle class) for the first 7 years of our marriage. Once I finally finished my education and started making good money (knock on wood and thank God!), some aspects of our marriage actually got WORSE! I guess what I am trying to say is that the money stuff CAN pull you together, if you approach it as a team. I can also tell you that when I was in my early 20s I was sponging off my parents and fairly directionless, but then finding this amazing woman and little girl (who, who knew, would one day be my wife and daughter, and then one day years later move out in a storm of fury and panic) helped me find my motivation to be a man and a provider. (Aside re me: I pray that this separation will help me discover a more loving side of myself, now that I seem to have the provider thing down).
Anyway, I GUARANTEE you that your H feels insecure about not "bringing home the bacon," and, like many insecure people, is probably a bit afraid to try right now. Maybe what he needs is less pressure and more support (that is in no way a criticism, since I live in the frailest of glass houses when it comes to that stuff)... what have you been saying to him? How would he react if you said something like, "I know you are having a tough time finding a job right now, I believe in you?" And just leave it at that...
My W is, bizarrely, facing a similar but different problem. I believe she has become frustrated and depressed with her role as a SAHM and wants to get back into the world of school and work, but has some insecurity about it. I wonder how SHE would respond if I just said, "I know you are feeling some stress about going back to school, but I BELIEVE IN YOU!" That would certainly be a heck of a departure from my usual, "It's your problem, you deal with it." (Yeah, I am becoming aware of the fact that I can be insensitive at times... hope it's not too late for me to change).
Anyway, my "advice" comes with the usual caveats... "Only you know your situation, only you can make your decisions," and "My marriage is FUBAR, so should you really be listening to anything I say?" All that aside, if your roles were reversed what would YOU want H to say to YOU?
Me: 33 Her: 39 M: 8 T: 10 K: D15, S4 Separated 10/30/08. My current thread
I am not familiar with your sitch but I appreciate your advice.
Finances is just a crazy hectic thing no matter how much money you have. When we first got married we had no money and yet we never fought about it because my hubby was in control of the finances so I never really worried about it. Then when he was gone for boot camp I took over and was fine because he was making a lot more money than we are used to. Then he got home and we did a hodge-podge job of everything sometimes missing a bill because we each thought the other had already paid or sometimes double paying a bill. So annoying! Then I lost my job and things got tight again and that was when things were unravelling anyways so it did not help at all. During our seperation it has been no big deal, until recently, because we each had our own accounts and delt with our share of the bills. But now it's tight and stressful! I want him to take over the finances again and he will once we move back in together but for now we are still working as a team to get bills payed and find money it's just stressful to try and balance it all out.
When he first got home and started looking for a job I never really nagged. I assumed he would find something quickly. But the longer this has dragged out the more naggy and controlling I have become. Which I hate! I have tried the "I trust you will get this worked out" speech along with "well you're trying your hardest" thinking it would motivate him to know that I was here and believed in him (which I do. . .I just think he is lacking direction and that is causing the hold up. He is quite ambitious when he can see the end result or the goal line if that makes sense) but still nothing happened. Then I slowly started getting more and more impatient which has led to the all out panic I feel now! Which has upped the nagging. Still nowhere near the level at which I used to nag but I can see it wearing on him. I try so hard to stop but I feel so out of control I don't know what else to do. And I have explained this to him and he says he understands and I think that is why my nagging is not bothering him that much, at least that I can see.
I am going to try and leave him alone and just trust him to work something out while I focus on my own thing. I have a job interview coming up so that should help. And he is calling to set up unemplyment today which will also help. As long as the bills are being paid I can wait this out a little longer it's just scary when you do not have enough money in your bank account to pay your basic expenses.
Sigh.
Something will work out soon. But between the ice storm and the holidays things have slowed down a bit but once everything gets going it should happen fairly quickly. Fingers crossed.
Thanks for the imput CL. It's nice to have a man's point of view.
