Expose the affair or not!?!?

[CME66]

OK. What is the best thing to do when the W is having an affair and thinks you don't know about it and is caught up in the deception and sneaking around? She will never be able to recomit to the M if there is continued contact.

Expose the affair or not?

What is the best way to expose it if that is the decision?

[CME66]

I, like others, feel that my life is spinning out of control and I don't know how to get some semblence of balance back. Exposing the affair may give me some sense of control back, but precipitate other consequences.

Who has exposed their spouses' affairs and what was the outcome?

[Yoyowife]

CM,
Sorry you are here. Yes, there is a lot of pain on these boards, but you will get lots of support and friendship. I don't know what I would have done without the board. It becomes like a lifeline to you.

As far as the exposure, there are different outcomes. Some have had success with it and others it really didn't make a difference. In my case it didn't make a difference. H showed very little remorse.

I do suggest that if you expose that you have some hard facts to make yourself credible. Tell your spouse how you know. Don't let your spouse think you are just assuming things. Your spouse will try to deny it, but if you have facts it will be impossible for them to deny.

I wish I could give you more advice, but I haven't been very successful myself.

Hugs, Yoyo

[InLikeFlynn]

Whats evidence do you have so far?

Look at some point you going to have to sit down with your wife and tell her you know she seeing the OM when she leaves. This will not stop until you expose to her that you know and then state you will expose to everyone unless she stops.

It looks like you don't have much other than she leaves for long periods and doesn't go where she says she does. She may feel that she is still pulling the wool over your eyes. If she knows you know then she just might stop.

Stop being afraid...it is not helping!! She probably thinks you know something is up and that is why she is using sex to placate after she has been with the OM. Just to keep you quiet.

If I were you, I would stand up....grab my balls!!!....and then confront her. Have a exposure plan. Does OM have a wife or girlfriend?? If so that would be the first place to expose. Then I would expose to her parent/family and then if it still doesn't work then everybody including your family etc.

By your posts this has gone on for awhile...stop it now!!!

[Babygirl]

I am not an expert on this, when I told H I knew about the lies and he was having at least a ea with the ow, he left. I really really hope puppy gets here on your thread, he is GREAT about these things.
stay strong
hugs

[CME66]

I have hard evidence. That's all I'll say here. OM is married, has grown children and grandchildren and extended family.

MC thinks that this would put the nail in the coffin for her to think that I am an ogre and unredeemable, but I am not the one with the low moral and ethical code at the moment. He thinks that letting her come out of the fog on her own over time will lead to a more successful resolution with remorse and a true desire for reconcilliation. Exposure will only possibly bring her back for 6 months when she can perfect her lies an then off she will go for another round of lies and deceit.

[Yoyowife]

CM,
Here are some things that you may want to look into.

Identify the issues that led your spouse to have an affair. First of all there is no excuse for infidelity, but some spouses do seem to find faults in their spouses. Lack of affection, not helping around the house, communication, anger issues, disrespect, and doing things together as a couple. Work on those things. Don't tell her that you are changing, show her.

Confront spouse about affair. Be specific about what is bothering you. Confronting is not the same thing as attacking. It is a meeting for clarification and that attacking is a hostile offensive that involves accusations, criticisms, and abuse.

Don't pursue or beg.This may mean that your spouse is given more opportunity to spend with OP, but that also means that they will find out that everyone has faults and irritating habits.

I did not do all of these things, but looking back I wish I would have.

[theoden]

CME66,

First of all. Take a deep breath and don't panic. You have time to decide what to do.

Here are some general things all people will agree on:

1. Perhaps the reason your W is having an affair, may have something to do with a mid-life crisis. So, perhaps it has little to do with you.

2. Perhaps the reason your W is having an affair is that your marriage was lackluster or had some serious problems. Addressing your contribution to those problems is key. Doing is better than talking.

3. Begging, pleading and being needy is not helpful -- it will only drive her away.

4. Chasing after her with romantic enthusiam will not work. This smacks of desperation. You chase and she'll run.

5. In some sense you need to find yourself again, regain your personal power and master yourself. Excercize, hobbies, rebilding your social life, are all ways of solidifying your emotinal and spiritual life during a time of free-fall.

6. Being grounded and strong is the best way to attract your spouse back.

There are several schools of thought regarding exposure:

1. Don't expose. This is more in line with Divorce-Busting philosophy. The idea is to detach from the affair, get a life, become attractive again, become less available and less desperate. The idea is that you become the better option and, as your wife eventually loses interest in the OM, she will slowly return to you.

2. Expose. This, sometimes, brings on unintended consequences, but it may bring things to a head in your favor. You need to be prepared for a more dramatic situaton.

2a. Expose only to your wife. Let her know you know. If you do, what's your plan? An ultimatum? Telling her firmly you want to work on the relationship? Begging and pleading for her to stay? If you are not prepared to make an ultimatum and she refuses your plan for reconcilation, then what? You can divorce-bust and try to attract her back by being your best self.

2b. Expose to your wife and OM's wife. This makes it more complex. It might work, it might not. When you actively try to break up their romance, it makes it more delicious and forbidden to them. What if your wife and OM don't give a rat's ass about the exposure and continue to see each other? This makes you look like you are all bark and no bite. Are you prepared to separate, divorce her is she doesn't comply?

2c. Expose to whomever you feel it's appropriate. Make the whole thing appear sordid. It's the scorches earth policy. It's the nuclear option. You fear losing nothing, so you can play hard-ball.

In my situation I wavered between DB-ing and exposure to others.

In retrospect, exposure of OM to his church/wife set him running with his tail between his legs and he dropped my wife like a hot potato and went back to his wife. My wife didn't give an inch and still doesn't have remorse.

General thoughts:

1. If your wife is in the heat of the affair, she's not likely to experience remorse.

2. You must master yourself.

Questions:

1. Do you have children?
2. Who holds the purse strings in the family?
3. Did you see this coming? What were your problems in the marriage

I think exposure to wife will happen sooner or later. Perhaps sonner is better. But, on the other hand, can you live with your wife not breaking it off with OM? Are you prepared to make an ultimatum?

--Theoden

[Yoyowife]

Theo,

Thanks for explaining it more thoroughly, you always come through for us!

[hoosiermama]

Before I knew about DB'ing, I exposed to H, to a very few and select friends/family, and to H's pastor; OW is not married. I don't know if I would have done things differently had I read DB/R. It was all so fresh that I thought these folks might confront H and bring him back to reality. What actually happened is that they eventually may have talked to H and been told a bunch of negative things about me and our marriage (and the A has been denied), because they all--ALL--have cut me off but continue relationships with H. I know those relationships are different, but they were all quite unsupportive of me, ultimately. I still don't understand that, and it still hurts.