Thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice!!! I decided to wait a little longer, and then tonight B called me, when I was on the phone with a good girlfriend (incidentally, encouraging her in her DB'ing)!!!! I clicked over and told him I was on the other line, but that I was excited to talk to him and he told me to feel free to try him later. I talked to my friend for almost an hour and then called B back. He was in a coffee house in Maine (to play at his symphony job) and about to hear a fellow fiddler do some tunes. I laughed and said, 'so you should get off the phone so you can give him your full attention' and made some jokes about the fiddle fellowship. He said he would try me later though he wasn't sure how long I would be up or when the fiddling would be finished.
So he called me a bit later, and we talked a little bit about the fiddling. I could tell he was nervous, there were some awkward pauses, but I think we both tried to keep things flowing, but I still was mostly just listening. Then he told me that he had watched the movie (genghis blues) that I sent him a link to a clip of a couple weeks ago (!!). (It's the story of Paul Pena, a blind bluesman who learns tuvan throatsinging & travels to tuva to participate in their throatsinging competition). A friend of his had the DVD and B asked to borrow it. He told me in the beginning of the movie he thought some of the moviemaking was a little silly, but that later in the movie he cried. He said the movie reminded him of Dave Chapelle's Block Party movie (which we saw together and B also got me the soundtrack for), because of how vulnerable the main characters were, and how he loved the vulnerability. He said that he loved how Paul was completely himself in the movie, and how he immersed himself in a new musical language and then traveled to where it came from. B said he knew that was something I desired and that was something he desired too. He told me his favorite parts of the movie, and I told him my favorite part that I remembered.
I told him that the first time I watched it, I was really excited that Paul learned something brand new and went to a faraway culture--and how that inspired me in a lot of ways to do the things i've done like travel to bali and work with musicians there. But watching the youtube clips a couple weeks ago what struck me was how he was also rooted in his own blues language, and it made me question if I needed to root deeper into my own language too. At this point I wasn't sure if we were still connecting or if I was asserting too much my own preconceptions. OVERALL I was excited that he was talking to me about something so vulnerable, like crying over a beautiful movie, and saying that he and I both wanted something similar with our musical dreams.
Then he told me about how he was going to go hiking with a male friend in between his symphony rehearsals/concerts, and about a hike they had done a while ago. I asked if they were going to just do a day hike or go overnight and he said that it would probably just be a day hike because B didn't have any hiking equipment. I joked that he probably wasn't up for sharing a sleeping bag.
Then he told me he really wanted to know about my search for a new cello. I told him the whole story of the unexpected appearance of the "lamborgini-for-the-price-of-a-volkswagon" cello, and how I totally fell in love with it, played on it for a month, and then started to think that maybe I liked parts of my own cello better. And then today my teacher told me it wasn't for sale after all because she decided to keep it, but that she would help me figure out how to get a similar one if I wanted.
We had a lonnnnnnnnngggggg discussion... about how he thought I should go for it, at the price it is like pocket change, but if I wanted something that had a real quality sound and not just a lot of volume, I would probably need to go up to a certain price range. We talked a lot about sound quality, price brackets, the experience of asking people to give you their feedback on different instruments. He told me about his brother's recent experience hunting for a new violin, and his own experience looking for a new violin bow. He mentioned that his dad had uploaded some videos of B performing on youtube this summer, from a performance where part of B's bow actually fell off and hit the ground (bad news, but B laughed about it). I asked him if he was actually on the market to buy a new bow ("if you find the one you want, could you just buy it?") and he said just about.
I told him I was really excited that he was in a position to finally get a new violin bow--this is something he has been saving up for and hoping for for SO long.
At this point we had been over the phone for over an hour so I said, "I should probably get going" and he said he was excited for my journey looking for a new cello and I said, "It's so great to have your feedback and perspective, none of my friends down here have been through this, It really means a lot to me to hear what you think, thank you" and he was like, "Totally!" I told him I was glad he enjoyed Genghis Blues (the movie) so much and that I hope he had a great time playing in the symphony and going hiking. He said, "I'll talk to you soon" ( ) And I said, "Awesome! Sounds great!" And then we both said goodnight & goodbye.
An hour and fifteen minutes on the phone.
It felt so good! At times I felt a little overwhelmed by the information we were discussing... but overall it was really relaxed and open feeling. I wasn't planning to stay on the phone that long but mostly it was me listening and I really wanted to hear what he had to say.
Yayyyyy!!! T!!! You are doing SO WELL! I feel the love and connection in the story. Damm I wish you and B didnt live in different cities. You are incredible!!
How exciting that HE RANG YOU FIRST!!!!! You are obviously doing this so right.
I dont know what comes next - maybe just appreciating that lovely toddler step for a while is enough.
Thinking of you and am so happy that you got to have such a good conversation. You sound really peaceful (is that right?) xxxxxxx
Wow T, you are going from strength to strength !!! And of course I read it all :-) . I loved that you had the foresight to NOT speak to him when you buzzed through and not only that, but didnt wrap up your other convo in like 10 minutes, but stayed on the phone another hour, before calling back. Thats so cool! And then for him to speak with you and CALL YOU BACK again later and you to have such a long conversation!? I'm thrilled for you.
I meant to respond on yuor other thread to the thing you said about your Moon/Pluto stuff.. yes, this is a HUGE pattern in your birth chart and very very influential on your inter personal relationships, so I would do a bit more reading/thinking about that one, like you said. Might throw up some frutiful lines to talk about with your C. Also, I have been posting alot of stuff on my thread about pluto and mars and scorpio and stuff.. its been rumbling on for the past year or two nearly, kind of comes to some conclusion by Christmas I think (need to check), but I thought you might find it interesting. I havent seen you lately, so perhaps you already read it, but I thought of you last week! So much Pluto/Scorpio energy lately in the skies..
I am totally happy for you that your exBf, the one who was once just mailing you random keys with no note (?) is now talking to you on the phone and deep, personal, intimate subjects that are close to his heart (like movies that inspire him and new bows). You are ace!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
That convo was really amazing, you handled it like a champ in my opinion. I agree with Lisa, what do you feel is the right thing to do as what you are doing at the moment is working.
thanks so much for all your support and loving observations!!!
I feel good! I was thinking about different ways to reach out next. It seems like asking him for help/advice has worked, and so has showing him the youtube clip from a really cool music movie.
I thought I would wait a bit to give him a chance to reach out to me, and then maybe email him a clip from this awesome documentary about gypsy music. And/or email/call him asking for advice about my chamber music group. He has a lot of experience in chamber music & is also very skilled at dealing with difficult people
Down the road I had an idea that I could even ask him to help me go cello shopping around Christmas or something, when I could conceivably be in NYC, since he seemed to be so excited about talking about instrument shopping.
I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I think him telling me that he cried watching a movie (that I recommended) is pretty friggin' vulnerable of him!
So I'm thinking... wait a week-ish? then send an email? then wait a week, and then call and ask for advice?? I want to keep reopening the connection but without smothering. I will go with my feeling...
(((((Essie))))) yay!!!! I'm glad you felt the love and connection, I did too!! I wish we lived in the same city too, but that could happen soon enough... and sometimes I wonder if the universe is protecting us by keeping things slow for the moment, with the distance. I do feel really peaceful. It was especially nice because the phonecall was the day before the one year anniversary of bomb #1... man we have come so far!
((((Ali)))) thank you so much for your enthusiasm !!! Where should I start learning more about pluto/moon? I am not sure where to begin. When I read some of the stuff in my chart I was like, "wooooooahhhhh... this sounds COMPLETELY new, which either means it is extremely perceptive & pointing to parts of myself I have never explored, OR totally irrelevent, I don't know which one!!" I wish I could explore the pluto stuff with my C but I used up all my sessions for the time being!!
((((Lisa)))) (((((julia))))) yay, I am so glad for your support!! It is nice to feel that I can trust my gut to lead me in the right direction !!
Hi T Who recommended Passionate Marriage to you? I'm only about 1/10th of the way through reading it and I'm finding it really tough - its so challenging!! I normally am a total book worm and love self-help style books. But this is so much to digest, and it feels like its too hard - I dont want to do the personal growth, I just want to click my fingers and be differentiated! Ha ha! Did you feel the same way when you read it?
Hey T. From what I've heard from you and you wanting to 'excavate' your feelings (Pluto is the Underworld, the deepest darkest place inside of us) and your issues with your Mum and cello teachers and bf's etc.. its all very pluto/moon!
So, unless your birth time is not right and then the Moon would have moved out of alignment??
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
) And I said, "Awesome! Sounds great!" And then we both said goodnight & goodbye.