Today W called me as I was driving in to work (late because of S7's suspension from the before and after school program). She was cordial, nice even, but her main purpose was, of course, to see if I could get to the real estate lawyers office early tomorrow to sign the papers -- the buyer wants to close tomorrow. She also talked about our kids and was engaging me in trying to figure out what had gotten into the both of them yesterday. For example, she offered the possibility that she had given S3 a vitamin supplement yesterday morning (which she doesn't usually do), and maybe S3 had some form of reaction to it. She had kept S3 the night before all night because S7 and I had been at a scout meeting, so she probably worries that S3's behavior might be attributable to that.
W also suggested that separating these two overnight like we did might be part of the problem. And she offered several other possibilities or solutions -- like upping S7's Ritalin dosage.
Whatever. She always does this, beating around the bush while an elephant is standing in the middle of the room. The whole time she was speaking I kept thinking to myself that the simplest explanation could very well be the answer -- that S7 and S3 are simply reacting in protest to the loss of their home and their family.
Maybe I inadvertently wear my angst on my face just a bit too readily for them to see. And it doesn't help that I hardly sleep anymore of late.
Whatever. She always does this, beating around the bush while an elephant is standing in the middle of the room. The whole time she was speaking I kept thinking to myself that the simplest explanation could very well be the answer -- that S7 and S3 are simply reacting in protest to the loss of their home and their family.
NoCode... I know this all too well. My XW has my kids in every freaking activity imagineable. A counselor we were seeing at one point commented (as have numerous family members) that she believes this is distractionary compensating behaviour. Not unlike perhaps your W's over-talking.
In looking at this sitch with my ex, and others, the Parable of the Talents comes to mind ( Matthew 25:14-30). Where the wealthy businessman before he leaves on a trip gives 3 of he servants a number of talents to manage while he is away... am sure you know it.
Anyway... one conclusion I come to is that the guy who did the least talked the most. If you look at the text, the guy who only buried his talent int he ground and didnt even get interest spoke far more words talking around his poor decision than the two who did more and got results.
Perhaps, somewhere not to far below the surface, your W knows what she is doing is wrong and hurtful. Like my XW, she may have a sense that she is making a decision toward permanent, lifelong compromise and this discomfort is expressing itself. Denial is one of the most amazingly cunning things. My XW expesses her denial in avoidance and by attempting to be super-mom. It started immediately after we separated. I had coffee with one of her family this week and the family member still shakes her head at how overloaded my kids are.
And yet, way, way down the list is time and relationship with Dad. She sent kids to counseling but discourages them from doing any counseling with me. Nor will she do any counseling with me. But she will do counseling with OM and his daughter... btw... his daughter is now distanced from her Dad. Myriad of reasons I am sure, but this is all at the expense of what "they" created and what "they" want.
It is so freaking convaluded and full of contradiction. No wonder the world we live in is so messed up.
Anyway... I know the type of scenario you describe well.
I have found that if I just keep making simple, responsible, honourable decisions, life works out a lot better. People will recognize on their own the over-compensating behaviouir of your W. Sadly, the kids are the most innocent victims in this whole thing. But having one sound, fair, and rational parent is more than most have and will serve them well.
to see if I could get to the real estate lawyers office early tomorrow to sign the papers -- the buyer wants to close tomorrow.
Wow. Fast closing, huh? Will you get some cash in your hands soon? That will always lift the spirits, huh?
Maybe the boys DO miss each other. I suppose in their eyes, that's quite a switch up, so be somewhere without the other sibling. Never thought of it that way.
Gentle intervention about to take place here....
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And it doesn't help that I hardly sleep anymore of late.
I have been noticing bits and pieces of symptoms in your threads, things like the insomnia, more tears lately, more feelings of anger, sadness, etc.
Why let the emotions hit you so hard? Weren't you better on AD's? Maybe, just maybe, nocode, you could go back on them, for a bit longer. I have a feeling there are going to be some more rough patches on its way. Why suffer more than you have to. I feel that AD's just level a person out really well (I am not on them, but see the amazing difference in my real life friend on them).
Chazz, well put. You voice well what I've been thinking.
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Sadly, the kids are the most innocent victims in this whole thing. But having one sound, fair, and rational parent is more than most have and will serve them well.
<sigh> I know that I probably wouldn't be half as upset with my W's behaviors were it not for me continually thinking about the impact to our kids. I've said before that I could more easily detach, GAL, forget W and put her completely behind me were it not for my two little ones. And that's the thing about this that continues to make me crazy.
Well, I went ahead and signed the papers this afternoon to sell my house. The buyer will close at 10 AM tomorrow and that will be the end of it. Nine years later since we planned, built, moved in and lived there, made it our home. The house W insisted we really had to have to be able to truly start and raise a family.
W called me driving back from the attorney's office afterwards. She had already signed a few hours earlier for herself, and she asked whether I had taken care of it. I told her I had and then added, "Congratulations." I meant it both with honesty and with facetious sarcasm.
She threw it back at me like I am supposed to be happy about it. It rubs me the wrong way how glib she can be now about such painful matters. She used to call me "cold" and still continues to suggest I need to be screened for Asperger's. At this point I felt like telling W she needed to have herself screened.
I'm trying hard not to feel the bitterness welling up inside me over this. I can now truly understand how someone can come to hate their former spouse, and I can see now how deadbeat dads and derelict former spouses are born. It is only the will of God and His command that compels me to uphold my integrity and to stand fast in the breach. Otherwise it would be so easy to run away from all of this.
W called me driving back from the attorney's office afterwards. She had already signed a few hours earlier for herself, and she asked whether I had taken care of it. I told her I had and then added, "Congratulations." I meant it both with honesty and with facetious sarcasm.
Hey... if it is going to happen, just as well to get these things done. I was in treatment when my house sold. I remember sitting in the Lawyer's office in a city far away from home where I was in treatment. He happened to be a Christian and was very understanding and gave great guidance on the sitch.
Frankly, am glad it happened like that cause if I was in town, I may have tried to get too involved. I hurt tremendously at the sale of the house cause we had it built for our family and had many, many wonderful times there. I am sentimental that way.
Yet, these kinds of things are going to happen if our WAWs move forward so best not to resist and just get it over with. Believe it or not, you are in a better place now that that step has been takne.
BTW... my new wife works with aspergers and autistic clients professionally. I know the blank, experssionless, emotionless manner of those with the condition. I sometimes wonder about my XW in how she can be so singular and only see her needs. It is a wide spectrum of a disorder so not beyond possiblity that some very otherwise typically functioning people have traits. Those that have this one just cannot see beyond their perspective. They just cant.
Rather than aspergers, I prefer to just think of my XW as a "conscienceless sociopath". It bears far more meaning to me. Then again, I have my biases.
Hey... here's one for ya....
Woman goes to Dr. saying all her friends are complaining about her and that she should get checked for PMS.
Dr. does tests, comes back... "I have good news and bad news"
Your CW working with Asperger's and HFA patients? Wow, it is a small world. My S7 has AS, and W has decided he inherited it from me. Never mind that I've already had myself screened by specialists in UNC's TEEACH research program -- and was cleared. But, no, my arrogant STBXW, an RN and a lay-expert on AS/HFA, still thinks they, the professionals, are wrong and she knows more than they do. Yeaaah, riiiight.
And you're right, I know for myself I will be better off in the long run. It is just so painful to me to see the loss this will be to my S's. They are losing their home, their intact family, the continuity in their lives. The house represents the haven they've know nearly all their lives, and the legacy of a location they could have looked back upon with fondness one day when they're all grown. Now that is all broken. They will struggle some day to even remember the home we built for them let alone what it looked like. The very foundation of their early lives will be unbuilt, with no anchor to hold their memories.
Yes, they will survive and adapt. I know that. But it pains me to think this security of continuity was all thrown away because of the utter selfishness of their parents. Such a waste. It's so unfair to them.
As for myself, I came to the conclusion that Jesus Christ held no real property, and lived the life of a rolling stone. I should try to minimize my dependence on material possessions. I should accept a life more transient, and out of my comfort zone.
Hey, NC, was busy this week but checking in on you. You know, my kids are autism spectrum also. About a year ago we went to D8's psych and told her about the divorce. She said the most important thing for autism spectrum children is to try to keep stability and routine and not change too much too fast.
I think what's going on in your sons' world is obviously not stable and routine, so acting out is maybe a result of that? But anyway, just wanted to say that I don't think you should blame yourself in anyway. You're the stable rock for them, and I think as they get older they will realize that more and more. Karen
They are losing their home, their intact family, the continuity in their lives
I still mourn this. Its so hard to watch/witness.
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I should try to minimize my dependence on material possessions.
Its true. Funny, I *have* to minimize my dependence on material possessions because I am broke. lol I know you were serious, but its possibly a teeny tiny ray of hope with all this D muck. That we can remember that we don't need a whole lot to raise these 'major' children. Instead of $50 dropped at Chuck E Cheese, we dropped $1.06 at one of those Redbox video rentals and they loved the movie we watched after baths the other night.
We can do this. And we will do this, putting them first. Because I am sure, like me, those babies are your world.
Hmm, nocode. I don't know if we can associate any longer. After seeing your obvious disobedience on another post. I don't like being 'hooked in' with such a rebel. I'll be re-thinking our relationship.
