Wife filed final divorce papers last month. We'd been married 17 years. We had a lot of difficulties but I did not want the divorce, she did...said "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and all the rest. I did many of the things Michele warns against after she asked for the separation 6 months ago. About a month ago I read DR and learned a lot, then read SSM, which applied to our situation. I've been applying LRT recently. Can't tell yet if it has helped. About 2 weeks ago I got and listened to KLA, learned all the wrong things we did. Loved KLA, when listening I felt like Michele was talking directly to me. Anyway, wife/ex and I have been talking all along, and yesterday I e-mailed her to see if she would like to listen to KLA. She replied today: "Sure". But now I wonder if she will interpret my eagerness to have her listen to it as pressure to reconsider the divorce. Early in the separation I of course tried to convince her to change her mind and I think doing so only made her more determined to divorce. Now I worry that after she listens to KLA, she will interpret it as me trying to convince her to stop the divorce process, and it will increase her resolve to get divorced. On the other hand, the last CD in KLA gives her the info about divorce I think she needs to hear. Anyone here have an opinion or suggestion?
Me: 47 W: 44 No children Separation: April 2008 Divorce finalized: October 2008
Let her watch it, what do you have to lose, if she already filed final papers. Just let her watch and don't comment. Let her bring it up.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I did let her listen to it. She returned it to me a week after I gave it to her. She made no comment at all. Not sure what to make of that.
Divorce is now final (I received the final papers) but if she changed her mind I would take the opportunity to see if we could reconcile.
After she returned the KLA CDs she went on a business trip out of state. During her absence I took care of her cat and mail. The day she returned, before she arrived I returned her cat and left a vase full of tulips, with a note welcoming her home. She did not respond to that the day she arrived, only the next day, by e-mail, thanking me.
Last week, she asked me for a book I had. I called her to return it to her. I live only a mile or so from her townhouse, so I walked over with a firm intention not to stay unless invited. She opened the door, and I offered the book, ready to turn and leave. But she invited me in, then asked if I planned to walk more and would I like to walk together. Of course I said yes. We walked a talked together for at least an hour.
The next day I sent an e-mail, thanking her for walking with me, and saying that I enjoyed it. She replied that she enjoyed it also. Same day she brought by some files I left in her file cabinet. Looked like shes still intent on clearing me out of her life, since I didn't ask for the files.
Not sure where this will go, if anywhere. Following my counselor's advice, I am building my own life as if from here on out we will never reconcile, I am not yearning for a reconciliation, nor depressed.
Sometimes I want to call her and ask her to do some of the things we used to enjoy together, like playing frisbee or long walks, but I've avoided it to make sure she knows what life will be like without me, if that matters to her at all. Also I don't want to do the "hot pursuit that drives her away."
I know that when married one of her complaints was I did not pay enough attention to her, but it seems unwise now to pay a lot of attention to her, since she would likely interpret that as me trying to change her mind. I don't think she's getting a 180 from me, but I don't know what else to do. I just keep telling myself it is over, time to move on, yet know that if she gave even the slightest sign of interest in renewing our relationship, I would be happy to do my best to renew it.
I know Michelle says don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. So at this point I half believe she's happy with the divorce. Seven months since separation, about a month since finalized divorce.
Me: 47 W: 44 No children Separation: April 2008 Divorce finalized: October 2008
Well, about 2 months ago, ex-W told me she wanted to get together regularly, talk, and see if we can build emotional intimacy and see where that goes. We have been seeing each other about 2-3 times weekly, going for walks together, once a week spending an afternoon together, watching a movie, talking, or other activities.
About 3 weeks ago, she asked me if I wanted to try holding hands. I said yes, and enjoyed it very much. But since then she has not made any attempt or request to hold hands. About a week ago I asked her how she felt when we held hands--did she enjoy it. She said something like "it felt comfortable." I wanted to know what she thought of our relationship. She said she wonders if we are just friends. She's not sure we are compatible. Arrgh!
So the next time I saw her I told her I think we aren't compatible because I think we are compatible and she thinks we may not be. So I wasn't sure if we should continue acting as if we are compatible (i.e. as friends). She told me she felt very sad to hear that. Huh? She wanted to know if I thought that meant I wanted to stop talking regularly. I said I would keep talking if she wants to.
Since then we have met a few times. She seems impenetrable to me. I don't want to lose an opportunity to reconcile, but sometimes it seems she just wants to keep me at arm's length -- close enough to keep me in her service, but not so close that we reconcile.
Don
Me: 47 W: 44 No children Separation: April 2008 Divorce finalized: October 2008
At the same token, are you approaching the opportunity as to 're-kindle' what you had (ie expectingit to be the same)?
If so, and utilizing stuck's statement to the same effect, that no longer is yours, but, what you do have is the chance to start over and be different about it.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Don't get discouraged. Several months ago I felt like my ex wife would never get back with me. Now we are back together and working towards reconciliation. Believe me, it felt like an impossibility, but I kept fighting for our marriage even after divorce despite the tears and sleepless nights. Whatever you do - don't give up so easily. The road to reconciliation is a tough one, however I think you have a really good shot.
The best thing you can do is to work on yourself - to make yourself attractive. In many ways, it is almost like dating, except you are trying to win your wife back rather than date other people. However, the same concepts apply. Appear and be confident around her. To show her that you have you life under control even when you feel you don't. It also means being a gentleman and learning how to flirt and start up a conversation/listen. Flirting and conversation are skills that are easily forgotten if we don't practice them on a continual basis (one that I am still learning). It is also important to show her that you love her, but not through words and being needy. But by being there for her on her terms. That is tough, but it has to be that way. If you can learn to show her that you want her to be happy no matter what, that will go a long way in saving your marriage.
I can't tell you how many times I felt like I was making no progress, but you don't see what's happening in the inside of your wife and you need to ahve patience to stick it through even when there are no visible signs. The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself and to be there for your wife when she needs you. However, do not be pushy and try to make something happen. Overtime, if you are consistent with your behavior, she will come around.
I'm in the same boat as you. Best thing to do IMO is continue to GAL and maintain a PMA, let her see that without saying, the rest is unfortunately up to her. Be open to any suggestions that she has re meeting up but make sure that they are on your terms and not simply you dropping everything to do what she wants. Women want a man not a lap dog.
Try to detach - I'm not doing well on this. Physically I am, but mentally I'm still obsessing - not good
