I am a frequent lurker here & you may see me pop in here and there & try to offer support & prayers where I can..but, let me tell you something. No matter WHAT you did to your husband, that does NOT give him the right to berate you, ask you to be a cum receptacle or treat you like that. WTF? You have clearly accepted the fault here, that is perfectly clear..nothing you could have possibly done justifies this kind of abuse. He is an adult, and when adults get their feelings hurt or are betrayed, they find a way to deal with it.. AS AN ADULT..
CME66..tell me something..what POSSIBLE benefit do you see in continuing to come here on her thread and spew your venom? Does it make what your wife did to YOU better? You are projecting your anger, your venom and your hatred for YOUR WIFES actions on her. Suck it up? Follow your own damn advice, why don't you? Suck it up, your wife is human, just like lifeline. She made the very wrong choice..and I can only imagine how SHE is paying for it considering the anger you project here, to a perfect stranger..
You are ranting and raving about accepting the blame, etc..well..you know what..take a look at yourself...people just don't go out and cheat for the hell of it and, yes, it is very wrong...but Lifeline knows where she went wrong, she is trying to address it and is asking forgiveness...and that does not come at the cost of her dignity.
Lifeline..sorry to hijack, but man...that could NOT be held in!
I am very humbled by your ability to share your 'faults' here. Our job is to be compassionate and help you brainstorm to save your marriage.
You and your husband both are in a lot of pain. And when you're in a lot of pain it's hard to deal with your partner's pain and also their jabs at you. It certainly isn't for cowards.
Your H is going to need a lot of room for making these errors, and you are going to need a place to vent, and yet stay focused on the important things in your marriage and healing here.
That's what we're here for.
Now you understand, Lifeline, that a lot of these folks have been in your H's position, so your words may trigger the memories or current realities of their pain.
So...we all need some room here.
Let's let compassion and healing be our focus.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am offering her an insight into her husband and how he feels. She is here because she mysteriously is in a quandry way her husband wants a cum receptacle rather than offer his forgiveness when she has apologized.
However, "I'm sorry" is just not enough and no matter how ernest she feels the apology is, she still is puzled why everything is not hunky dory now.
Well, men have lots of layers (not like chocolate cake or parfait, but like onions) and each one is in pain. When the affair is exposed, every lie, deception, askance look, etc is reinterpreted in the new light. And whole hosts of scenarios are played out in the husband's mind. He is now imagininghis wife eagerly meeting in a restraunt, touching hands, going to the den of inequity, kissing, carressing, removing dress, bra, panties, shoes, seduction, caresses, penetration, etc...
You get the picture.
Yet Lifline still chooses to engage her husband in the "You drove me to it and are to blame" when her temper gets in the way. Freudian subconscious is still justifying the affair to herself to repress it so she can feel comfortable with her sin and violation.
If not, she would be seeking true forgiveness when each and every misdeed brought forth the visceral pain, anxiety, and despair in greater measure in her than what her husband is feeling right now. When she can truly comiserate with her H, she will be taking the first true steps toward forgiveness and repair of the M.
But she has not. She still is at the "OK, I apologize already, lets get on with it" stage for her.
Sorry, but Lifeline has not penetrated down to the layer of her husband (remember the onion analogy) where he can know that she is feeling the true depth and breadth of his pain, betrayal, and is truly remorseful.
I have to respectfully disagree..she is not 'wondering' why he is not just forgiving her. She has laid her heart, her soul and every error she KNOWS she made...right out here for all to see (and in some cases, judge I guess)..From what I've been reading, clearly Lifeline does not expect to say 'sorry' (that kind of apology stopped being acceptable back in kindergarten) and think everything will be 'hunky dory'..I don't see where she's asking for that, what she's asking for is to be treated like a human being and not degraded like a common hooker. She feels his pain,betrayal and disgust with her..each and every day in that house when he won't look at her. Yes, you are on the other side of this "story", and I'm not going to pretend to know how that feels..it is the ultimate betrayal. While my marriage was littered with abuse, infidelity was the one thing I was spared..so NO, I don't know how the 'other' side feels, and I will be upfront about that..
BUT...emotionally abusing her and using sex as a nasty weapon against her..well, yes..that is going to make her angry because, at the end of the day, she is just asking for it to be recognized that, as a human, she made a grave error. She wants to fix it and is putting her completely raw self out there, willing to allow herself to be degraded in a way only she can truly understand..no he shouldn't 'just forgive' her...but she is not resigned to a life of constant degradation. That is simply my opinion, and we can choose to disagree...
the demise of a marriage is most always a 2 way street...even in my abusive situation, I could identify and recognize the role I played and accept that responsibility. No...a failing marriage is not a license to cheat, but (again, my opinion) nor is it a license to treat someone as sub-human. Good luck
No matter what lifeline has done it does not warrant the kind of treatment she is getting from her H. My H hurt me more then any person has ever hurt...but you know it did take 2 to get us to were we were, sure he had choices and he made some bad decisions, and yes I struggle everyday with my feelings over this, and what he did. BUT at no time have i ever had a desire to make him feel like a piece of garbage, I have never wanted to exact my revenge. If I want my marriage to work then I have to let it go! and that's what lifelines h has to do, and if he isn't prepared to do that then decisions have to be made. I understand hurt and anger, boy do I understand that! But this is something more, this is just plain mean and lets be honest childish! So lifeline sweetie, you keep posting, and you keep vent here and we will support you the best that we can!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Lifeline has to actually face her H and this forum is where she can get support as well as the negative side of her A. She will sit with her H and have to take his venom and hurt and pain and agression and frustration and depression and saddness and betrayal and face them all IN HER HUSBAND. That is where it counts. She does not need forgiveness from us, but from him. If she is still being defensive about blaming him for the A, then she really is not ready for a repair of the R or M. In the heat of an argument she blurts out his faults, then all this mea culpa is really just more pablum she is spreading to get some online support for why she "deserves" to be forgiven by her H.
But since he is acting hurt, agressive, despondent, etc (all a symptoms of his hurt and betrayal) even after she has made a "sincere" apology, then this must also be his fault for not forgiving her.
Blaming your husband in the midst of an argument for your adultery means you still blame him for all of it and have little or no real remorse. Consequences can be really crappy sometimes.
I think that we have beaten this to death now, I think that everyone is making valid points. Ulimately the outcome of this situation is up to lifeline and her H now. ((((lifeline)))
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Everyone -- thank you for all your remarks. I do apologize if I cause betrayed spouses to trigger and that's not my intention at all. I have been to another infidelity site which has specific forums for WS and BS and it's pretty clearcut where everyone should post. However, lately I've felt it isn't as pro-marriage as I am looking for. I didn't think about whether it would be appropriate or not to post in this forum because I thought the common denominator here is the fact that we are trying to save our marriages. I will keep coming here for guidance because you all have been so helpful to me. And I will be sure to edit my posts for "triggers" and pray I don't offend anyone. If I can be of help to anyone, I am certainly always lurking around. Thank you again for everyone's insight. LL
hey dont run from here just becuz a few people were harsh with you. I read your post, actually for some insight into why people cheat. you didnt hurt my feelings. really! hang in there!!!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
I am not trying to beat up on my wife through you. It is a hard row to hoe and getting the warm an fuzzies from folks here when you originally posted that your husband was demeaning you is not going to get you to sit on the couch and let him vent his anger and frustration and hurt while you bite your tongue. No arguments, no trying to justify your point of view to him (or us). Just bite your tongue.
This is training ground for you because the real fight is for your marriage and your husband's love and trust. Not for our approval.
