Hello Friends -- My H and I are about nine months out from D-Day; I betrayed him. We are taking it one day at a time and I'm doing what I can to show him that I've learned and won't do this again. One thing that kills me is that he can't look me in the eyes when we are in conversation. Whether we are talking about the affair, the children, how our day is going, etc. He just can't do it. And I completely understand! However, what do DBers do in this case? Should I say anything like, "Honey, I understand you have a hard time looking at me, knowing what I've done, but ..." or should I just let more time go by and hope that he can start looking me in the eye? Thank you for any advice you can give me! LL
I find this strange behaviour. When my H cheated I didn't have trouble looking him in the eye....rather it was the other way around - he was the one that cheated.
Do you think your H is being straight with you?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, Thanks for replying! No, I don't think he's cheating on me. It's because of my actions, he can't even look me in the eye because if he did, he would have to see the person he married, the person who ended up betraying him. Does that make sense?
Looking at your other threads I would say your H can't look at you because he doesn't want to see you. If he really looked at you he would have to see YOU- the person you are-and then he might crumble and break his resolve - and actually treat you as a person.
To be honest, I am really shocked at your H's treatment of you and if I were in your shoes I would put some distance between you.
What you did, having an A, WAS hurtful. I have been on the receiving end of that so I know what it's like. If he really wanted your M to work though he wouldn't be like this. IMO he is just punishing you and trying to humiliate you for the hurt you have caused him; not a good reason at all to remain in a M.
I personally believe you have a better chance of saving your M if you try kicking him to the curb until he gives you some repect. You say on your other thread that historically you had trouble saying no to people. Well stand up to your H and say no to him. He is acting no better than the person who abused you when you were small. I also think that he is putting up such a front of hatred to protect himself. If he opens up to you in a 'soft' manner you may hurt him and he is scared of that. Also you have injured his pride. I think if you stood up to him his resolve may falter.
Having an A is a hurtful thing to do to one's S....but it doesn't make you deserving of this behaviour.
((((HUGS))))))
You are worth so much more than this. You are trying to do the right thing and he is punishing you. I would liken it to training a pet. When a puppy runs away from it's owner it makes the owner mad. However, when the puppy comes back, if you beat it for misbehaving, why would it want to come back to you in the future for further beatings. Even though it might feel like the wrong thing....one bites one's tongue and treats the puppy with kindness so that it wants to come back in the future. You learn not to let the puppy run free until it knows better and you give it firm, kind consistent care.....but continually beat it? NO
Your H has some major problems and needs professional help.
Sometimes you know, a person can't forgive another. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Welcome to divorcebusting.com; this is a tough place to be. It says so much you are here, trying. I am hoping and praying for you IC will help.
Have you read DB/DR? Both books are great resources. As Saffie stated, forgiveness is difficult. MWD has written an article on infidelity which may give you some insight on H's thoughts and feelings and help you both with the healing process. She has other terrific articles on forgiveness and forgiving yourself.
The people here are simply awesome and will help with any of your concerns.
